Saturday, August 21, 2010

mooooooooon talk

foggy moon mirror,
hiding behind arms and hands of green
you stayed silent,

and whole.

The smoke is lacing fingers with the trees,
the gravel is printing faces on my knees
and the reflection up there is

Sunday, May 23, 2010


My mind is blank.

Not in a negative sense, but in the sense of simply existing. I am aware.

Last night it appeared to me that I have a hard time enjoying and soaking in silence. Because I have lived in the Western society where silence is "empty" and where stillness is "nonproductive".

Silence provides the unity of stillness.

It is a necessity in regards to the spirit.

To live life just to fulfill a goal is accelerating the circle of impatience and disappointment. To be Here NOW is essential.

Don't fear the moments of nothing. Without nothing there would never be something.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Wasabi cupcakes
Are the worst dessert ever.
Drink all your water.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

India: Child Labor

In my government class we were assigned to present a project on a world issue. Jasmine and I chose child labor in India. Since last year I've been pretty interested in the conflict of Indian poverty and what that has resulted in. I feel that India has a beautiful history and culture, going back to Ghandi's salt march, a which influenced peaceful protest for other leaders including America's Martin Luther King Jr.

It has moved me since starting this project, with browsing the photos. What's sad is that I sense that other students feel they have to find the most shocking photographs in order to get a better grade, but its really all about the ability to relate and find the human heart beneath any of the assigned topics; such as AIDS, female mutilation, even endangered species and enviromental concerns.

But just look at these.

When I saw this, it reminded me of how it felt to be a little kid, getting suddenly lost in the grocery store and not being able to find your mom. It's that sudden fearful jolt of being alone. And some of the kids working in the factories rarely see "home", their residence is usually the factory itself, spending the night in hazardous conditions such as mines because the new shift starts in just a few hours.

In the manufacturing business, children are not provided with protection from chemicals, nor given simple equitment such as gloves and goggles to protect their developing eyes from the shards. This child is welding, and according to our research, it is most likely he will be blind by the time is 15 to 19 years old. Can you imagine not being able to see anymore after your teenage life? Can you imagine your skin being eroded and scarred from the intense heat and dangerous chemical exposure??

And because of the work hours, usually 8 hours with a small break for a meal, if there is even one provided, the children recieve no education. They aren't able to just be kids, they aren't able to live out the joy that the majority of Americans experience as a young kid. That innocence and simple happiness is distorted for them.

According to Indian government sources, there are currently 20 million child laborers in the country, but according to outside sources, there is an estimated 50 million.

I'm hoping that I can help with this situation in some way. It's been hurting me deeply, to imagine a childhood without smiles, without laughter, without love.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Back to the Future and oh....senioritis...

It's saturday night, and I'm here at home alone watching Back to the Future. Great flick. Anyhow, I'm really excited and have been practicing my jazz beats. There has been a lot of tripping and falling on my part in my personal life, all due to me not looking at the traps on the ground. If there's one thing I want right now, it'd be stronger eyes through Christ. My actions lately have not been showing the love for Christ I really do have. And its brought out the worst in me.

The remedy to the problem is always helping others, or trying to show others how much I love them because I know Jesus put that emotion in my heart. Jesus is going to break the chains in my life soon, and He's going to give me opportunities I'd never thought of because of my availability in His name.

This second half of senior year reminds me alot of the late night drive home from a show, and stopping by a 711, totally out of it, all the lights too bright and you almost forget why you came in the first place. Going into school is similar to this sensation. I've always wondered why they decide to put 39082309 lights in one room. It burns my eyes and, literally, has been scientifically proven to cause headaches. All of the teachers voices have melted into one goo of "wah wah wahhhh". I'm drowning in the sea of senioritis.

There's this new thing I've decided to do for my friends. I'm not going to reveal what it is on here, but I know that I've been a selfish person and want to turn that around. Big time. I want to love, I don't want to self glorify.

My dreams have been strange lately. Last week, I dreamt that some friends and I skipped school to go to a strawberry field. As we were walking through this gorgeous valley, Mr. Noechel happened to be there. When he saw us he jumped in shock, "OH! What are you guys doing here?! I'm not here...well...." Which absolutely cracked me up when I awoke. Another one was last night, I dreamt I was riding in this car, this red car, with a person, and all these bizarre things kept occuring. I don't even know how to explain, so I'm not going to attempt!!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

People are not one dimensional. We are multi-dimensional, and with so many different spiritual wires putting our souls together as we are. Along with this comes the inevitable nature of jealousy, anger, and sadness. It's very depressing to feel the worst of someone become the only thing you see. I try so hard to see people as good, but sometimes that can only hurt me worse. Friends I gained over the summer I've either pushed away too far or brought them in too close. The horizon is in my sight, but not exactly shining in my heart just yet. I know there is a foundation for my future in just a few months (school), and I will placed in a position with new people and probably a new life. Powhatan, its so lonely almost.

But everyday I think of certain things I've done over the past months and how its negatively affected some of my friendships. Even breaking one. It sucks. So bad. So bad. Especially when you are given all the blame for a two part occurence. Anyhow, I am going to try focusing on the bigger things rather than the small for now.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Blabbering about English

Brave New World is by far my favorite experimental/satirical novel, next to Clockwork Orange. The second time I've been reading it has been the best time. The question our class quickly debated on today was the subject of whether or not the characters' absence of individualism means loss of morality, or if their actions of taking excessive amounts of drugs and having excessive amounts of sex is immoral or just a social standard. I believe that it is just a social standard because, like today's culture, it is socially "acceptable" to be permiscuous and use drugs (to an extent), but these actions can sometimes not line up with one's moral standards. There is a possible guilt involved. The characters have no boundaries or limitations, which means no morality in my opinion.

The savage regards to Shakespeare sonnets as "magic", something ethereal and powerful, and in many ways this is true. Language, written language, can cause emotional response, making it an effective piece of art whether or not the reader completely understands the given material. By reading the assigned poems this past week, I have rediscovered that feeling. It makes me feel more whole as an individual, it allows me to be more in tune with my spirit and my feelings. Even the smallest of details, such as in "At Grass" by Larkin, excite me.

At Grass by Philip Larkin
The eye can hardly pick them out
From the cold shade they shelter in,
Till wind distresses tail and main;
Then one crops grass, and moves about
- The other seeming to look on -
And stands anonymous again

Yet fifteen years ago, perhaps
Two dozen distances surficed
To fable them: faint afternoons
Of Cups and Stakes and Handicaps,
Whereby their names were artificed
To inlay faded, classic Junes -

Silks at the start: against the sky
Numbers and parasols: outside,
Squadrons of empty cars, and heat,
And littered grass : then the long cry
Hanging unhushed till it subside
To stop-press columns on the street.

Do memories plague their ears like flies?
They shake their heads. Dusk brims the shadows.
Summer by summer all stole away,
The starting-gates, the crowd and cries -
All but the unmolesting meadows.
Almanacked, their names live; they

Have slipped their names, and stand at ease,
Or gallop for what must be joy,
And not a fieldglass sees them home,
Or curious stop-watch prophesies:
Only the grooms, and the grooms boy,
With bridles in the evening come.

The lines, "Do memories plague their ears like flies? They shake their heads," gives me chills. Poems that present a new way of looking at things, such as the way flies buzz and buzz around the horses' heads, and their head shrugs.

But I'm still trying to figure out what Huxley is trying to say as he killed off the Savage in the end. His feet were described to have dangled and point in all directions as he hung himself.

In regards to how Huxley advised to handle the 20th century, I believe he was saying to remain the individual amongst the masses. Seek the true individual, seek the truth of an individual. And this makes sense, Huxley lived true to his message, because later on he tried to further deepen his perception in Doors of Perception (which he was on a powerful psychotic drug).

But, alas, these thoughts just ran wildly through my head, and I felt the need to write them down. So, these thoughts might be concluded next time, or new ones may arise.

Monday, March 1, 2010

some thoughts

It's been about a month or two since I've started trying to reform my relationship with Christ. There's this hard shell around my spirit that has yet to crack. I'm afraid of being completely vulnerable because new, thicker walls have been built by my concious. These walls can only be broken by Christ alone, and I have to let them be torn down eventually. I've been praying for that day to come, so I can wake up everyday with that love and comfort that He's granted me; so I can be encouraged to say NO with the wisdom to know the difference, to say YES and be AVAILABLE when He needs me to be His hands and feet. There's no longer this question of whether or not God exists in my life; because He is in the air I inhale and exhale, He puts my soul to rest even when I don't realize it. Now, I want to realize it and feel more thankful for that knoweledge.

People will always let you down. It's in our nature and that's perfectly fine. Because we have a beautiful King in Heaven that is perfectly planning our lives, that planned our lives forever ago and wants to see us prosper spiritually in His image.

GOD is great. No matter what lifestyle, choices, feelings, etc.....GOD is great.

GOD is great!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Virginia Beach HORROR

Not meaning to hate. But there's something that makes me cringe when I walk to class and see someone wearing the dreaded Virginia Beach tie dye hoodie.

All of us have witnessed one of our doomed loved ones, or maybe our acquaintances, sport this confused/innocent/blotched/downright unfortunate cotton sweatshirt. The colors, meshed all together, with yellow closely resembling the shade of rotten butter; is trifling. We must raise awareness of this sight hazard.


I have an amazing mother, an amazing mother who called me yesterday saying, "Hey, so you want two Dave Matthews tickets?" while I was at Cattura's with Kelsey. Since the place is pretty quiet and chill, I was trying to encumber all the bold control of my voice and keep it low. So, it's official. This July, I'm going to see Mr. Dave along with my hero, Carter Beauford!!! Yes. The lawn experience shall be a life changing one.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

List of...

There are only a few months left of high school. It's hard to believe that the people I spend almost everyday with won't be where I am next year. At VCU! I'm so excited to start college in the fall!!!! To start fresh and learn more about myself...

Last night I went to small group with my sister in the first time in a while. I'm glad I went. We talked about insecurities. It made me realize how negative I am, how happy i could be if i focused more on the good than the bad.

So, what I am thankful for today:
- Noechel being in a good mood for AP and journalism
- Molly excessively wagging her tail when she sees me come out of my car.
- Having dinner with my mom and sister at El Cerro
- Talking to Mrs. Burley afterschool
- Getting a 7 on an ICE
- Going to God for love when I felt the opposite
- The Sun!!!
- Mr. Lewis' smile
- The fireplace that is keeping me warm

And although there is a deep pain present in me, I can still laugh and rejoice in God's name.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I think I met You
In the wind of the dancing grass

I think I knew You
As the water cleansed the past

Something is swelling
Inside the dryest root

Your love is the first
Your love is the last
Your hands hold eternity
All of it is a vision
breaking through stained glass

Break the walls
the exterior of my sorrow

Sew me back together
Just as you knitted my heart to be

How I need You

Some Jank to Get Off My Chest

Rainy days get me down. No matter the mood or what's going on, the grey atmosphere and cold wetness is depressing.

I'm waiting for it to be warm, so that my fingers don't feel numb. It feels awesome to go outside and not have to wear a jacket or run to the car because of how cold it is. I love the summer. I love the spring. I love seeing new life sprout from the earth and feeling a sort of freedom being comfortable in the sun.

Now it's up to question whether or not I can go on World Changers this summer. I know that God will make it happen if it's what He wants.

The third nine weeks of school feel pointless. Instead I'd rather get a job to start paying for my tuition and fees, for World Changers, for the Dave Matthews concert, for the 311 show, stuff. I'll be working so much this summer, that I'm not sure how much "fun" I'll be having. I guess this is the part where I gotta grow up. It'll make good money. I'll be getting off at two or three every afternoon. I'll be in Richmond rather than at a possibly even more boring job in Powhatan.

Today I was thinking, wow, I don't think I'm going to cry when I graduate. I just don't. It seems like the majority of the kids who are really enjoying "being" a senior are the ones who have had the highest high of their life in high school. Well, that's not too many people to count, and I'm certainly not in this category.

Some classes are a foil to my optimism. "Well oh well, since you guys don't give a crap about the rest of your senior year, I'll see you at a bar, homeless"- my physics teacher has quoted to us TWICE this week. Or, let's take for example, another teacher of mine who has random mood swings and decides which days to be mean and others to not. I'm so lucky to have him for three hours straight every other day! Especially when you are the target of ridicule! I can't get enough of it!

The other part that really annoys me would be how some teachers assume I'm either stupid or a trouble maker. Sometimes I literally will act retarded in order to piss them off, because their either over enthusiasm or franticness bugs me. CUT LOOSE!

I remember in tenth grade I was so offended because my english teacher accused me of cheating on an in class essay, saying that I "copied other online sources and essays". Well, darn, lady...I know I'm not kissing your butt every class like some other individuals, sorry I'm not what you expected- smart.

Because I came out a long time ago, I've learned to deal with homophobia. But since becoming a Christ follower, it has been difficult, especially in an area where that discrimination or disapproval is accepted. I know that my brothers and sisters love me very dearly, just as I love them. But, come on. Don't regard to people who are homosexual as more sinful people than others, don't regard to people who are gay or lesbian as someone who doesn't deserve Christ's love. Being gay or lesbian is just one part of someones life. Folks are just folks. We are all united in the blood of Christ and that's where we shall attempt to keep our hearts.

One of my dear brothers, who I've known since junior high and became a close musician of throughout high school, stood up for me last summer at World Changers. While we were in drumline together he always debated with me the subject of God and homosexuality. As time passed and our relationship grew in an odd way (but a good way), he became closer to Christ, and all this time I hadn't. He thought about whether he believed homosexuality is a sin or not. Although I'm not quite sure of what his final view is, I know that he still loved me.

In the van during World Changers, he asked if I could talk to him. He had told me that in the showers that some guys were making fun of gay people, and that he went up to these guys and told them to stop. This made them furious, starting a whole debate. My friend insisted that there was no exact quote in the bible that referred to God hating gays. They cornered him, including a grown man, getting angrier. He was fearless, however, and challenged them with a question, "well what if I'm gay?" (he is not), this made them angrier.

Atleast the good that can come out of anger like this is the fact that I'm sure this made the guys think about the subject more. Hoepfully HOPEFULLY in a more in depth and thoughtful way rather than ignorant.

I want to help those in my life who are homosexual to feel that they are loved by Christ just as much as any other straight person. Or, any person.

We must remember, that no matter what, Jesus wants us to LOVE and that His blood shed for every single man and woman.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Songs of Joy

Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with Him.

(Psalm 126:5-6)

My Sweetie

I love this girl. She has the grandest personality of a dog I've ever known. Although she can be a bit of a hassle, when she is calm and loving, I can't deny that I adore her to pieces. Right now she is sitting beside me, eating her Pedigree-supposed-to-make-her-breath-smell-better bone.

Occasionally she will glance up at me with her eyes squinted, she must be in doggy heaven. Oh, how I love my dog! hahaha

Saturday, February 20, 2010


The possibilities
Floating into a sphere of existence
Trapped by fear

Aligned inner spirits
One by one
Into chaotic piles

There's no way to see the floor
When you have cards flying
and sticking
(or maybe disguising)
the core

King Harvest

Two of the best rock bands ever (in my opinion) have written some amazing music, with amazing relation in their lyrics and tone, their rythyms and harmonies, their rawness and their control. In times of the desert, what I need is a little bit of inspiration, a little bit of a push to keep on truckin'.

However, my life has brought many blessings this winter. Like great friendships being strengthened, some friendships taken away, news of what my future holds, the thoughts of who I am spiritually, the idea of a better way, the hazy nights, the glaring sun, the hiding moon, and the standing trees.

I have been selfish, devoted, too inward, too outward, loving, and hating. Isn't this normal? The spirals that conduct your life's actions and paint the sky grey or blue. Bittersweet moments are the most remembered, irony grips onto your mind and perplexes the most intellectual particles of your soul. Whether you believe in fate or not, some things you know were meant to happen, or not meant to happen.

The feeling of being threatened by an impossibility can encourage me more than the easy ticket sitting plainly infront of my chances. Perhaps this is why lust kills the innocence and joy we can lose so quickly.

I'm going to PCC tomorrow. Not sure why, but I am. It's been a long time. I'm not going to see anyone (not saying that in a mean's that people are not my encouragement this time), I'm going to see why God wants me there. Since last night questions have sprung into my noggin. The only way they can be answered are through meditating with the Lord. No matter what people believe in, I hope they hold ONTO that positive mystical power that fills their heart with happiness.

Friday, February 19, 2010

GOD does not hate gays. GOD does not limit His love to one certain group of people. GOD's love is everywhere, in everyone, for everyone!

Less hate, more LOVE
For some reason, some twentyish minutes later, I am drawn back to writing.

There's a part of me filled with angst, and the other half is filled with optimism and love.

Yesterday when Kelsey and I drove into our driveway, and my sister grabbed the mail, I recieved my acceptance letter to VCU! I couldn't stop screaming for hours. A huge weight is lifted off my shoulders, and the official notification of my acceptance brought me peace. Kelsey said that before she opened the mailbox, she spoke a tiny prayer in her head for me to hear back from VCU. CRAZY HUH?!

So, yes, now I just gotta apply for some dormage.

God definitely blessed me with granting the opportunity to hear back from them sooner than I had expected. Along with the letter, there was also another one from my friend Greg who I met on the World Changers mission trip. Exciting day! He is my brother in Christ and he always has encouraging words and stories to share. I'm thankful for our friendship!

My dad got me a job at VCU parking. This means that I will have to get up at four thirty every morning during the summer! Insane!!!! (I'm not looking forward to the exhaustion, but def the pay)

Anyhow, tonight I'm going to Hayley's eighteenth birthday party. She is so boss.

Well, gotta fill out this app. Peace to all!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Yesterday I found out that my Spring Break will be spent in NYC with my friend, Jessie, and my sister! So stoked, so happy! We bought our Lion King tickets today, which is also thrilling! All of us have watched the movie several times throughout our childhood (many...many times). It's ironic and maybe intended that this was the Broadway play for us to go see, because by graduating it is the "end" of my childhood.

So, besides that exciting news I have been applying for jobs. Mainly in Westchester Commons. Surprisingly enough many shops there are hiring, and surprisingly many of hte managers were there today when I went to go introduce myself. AND SURPRISINGLY the greatest chance I have as of now is a job at GameStop. INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE...INSANE IN THE BRAIN! When I was younger I was addicted to video games, so atleast I have a decent knoweledge of what's up, and yes, I still play Metroid Prime late at night (or replay Legend of Zelda: Windwaker). Wow...maybe I shouldn't post this stuff online.

But the main motive for getting a job is for the obvious gas money reason, and to go to more shows. I can't go to any if I don't have money. And the Dave concert is in July, and I must, must go. Also, the Neptune, NJ trip is in July, and I need to find funding for that as well.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Dave Matthews Band coming to VA Beach July 20th! I MUST GO RAHRAHROIAUER)(#*)R(*#!!!!

For reals, I've loved this band since I was freaking seven dude! AHHH!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Elementary Sports

Carrie Underwood acabo de cantar. The Superbowl is about to start. For this house it means occasionally looking at the score and having an excuse to eat excessive amounts of chips and salsa.

Truth is, I've never cared for football. Infact, I don't know any of the rules to the game. I know what a touchdown is and interception (?). But thinking about sports today reminds me of how I used to be an atheletic kid, and how opposite that is today.

There are a few memories of my early childhood sports. When I was in kindergarden and first grade I played softball. The only thing I clearly remember is how one game they put me in outfield. I was staring at the seams of my glove, how they made a thousand little ties and squares and a few knots. For some reason, it was fascinating. A few minutes into my observation, I heard a ball pop off the other team's batter, and the ball magically landing in my glove. I stared up at my team mates and they came running over to me excited as poop because I had saved the game. That's one fine example of coincidental heroism.

Softball also had strange kid moments. Before a game in the summer I had just started using deoderant. Because it made my pits smell amazing, I thought, hey! I sweat on my arms during games! why not! And so I smeared deoderant stick all over my arms. My mom was pretty amused and confused as to why I would want to do that. Hm, I don't know why either.

I also had this attitude problem. One of my friends on the team, Jessie was her name, was the pitcher, and hit the other team's batter. I shouted "Yeah Jessie!", cheering on the violence. Sheesh, I bet her mom in the crowd still wants to strangle me to this day! HAHA

But then in third grade at Spring Run Elementary, I got into basketball. Since I was a fast growing kid at the time, and taller than the majority of the other girls, they placed me as center. Whenever we played a game I always felt proud of my responsibility. Yet, I was an aggressive kid and stole the ball atleast three times in the game because I was not afraid to get in those girls' faces. Yeah, that's right, I was a boss! Ha, not really.

After the games when we lost, we would all get in the line to high five the other team's hands, and instead I twisted their arms. For an entire season I got away with this until one of the last games, and the mom of one of the many victims confronted me holding her daughter's wrist, furious at my action. My mother was freaking out afterwards and thought that the family would end up suing me if there should be a spranged wrist or what not.

Once I moved to Powhatan I quit all sports because I was going through a very awkward and shy stage. Powhatan was so different from Chesterfield, the people were different, the camo and confederate flags terrified me (hahaha), and it was strange to go to a place I had never heard of in my life and leave all my old elementary school friends behind. However, I adjusted to my new home and discovered how much I loved music. That's when I began taking guitar lessons for two years, classical guitar. No, I don't remember how to play anything. Since then, music has been my thing ya hurd?

Thursday, February 4, 2010


Thursday. Is it thursday? Well, only an hour and 22 minutes left of it. The week has been different, a turning point.

Hopefully we will be snowed in tomorrow...our pantry is loaded with ramen and diet dr. pepper (my crack, in other words). I rented Dazed and Confused, Smiley Face (again), Woodstock, Year of the Dog, and Smart People from the Clover Hill Library as well as two books: East of Eden and Thank You for Smoking.

Going to the library today made me feel happy. It's quiet there, and on all of those shelves are thousands and thousands of pages that will only make my mind bigger and better. Getting into the swing of chain reading gives me something to focus on, something to think about, and something to keep me entertained.

When I'm in the middle of reading a good book, I sometimes will randomly remember a certain scene or description. For example, in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, I thought about how the main character always took pictures of each significant object or person in his presence, how he saw New York. In the story he is a nine year old child who lost his father on September 11th. I was also nine years old when the terrorist attacks occured, so how he percieves the evil reminds me of how I did. It didn't make sense, all it seemed to be was a pain that could not be healed. Thankfully I did not lose anyone on that day, but I can only imagine what it would've been like to have experienced such a loss.

So, yes, I am becoming a book nerd once again. It's crazy cool how animated your mind can be by just reading typed words created by someone else. I always wonder what the author pictured as he or she wrote, but perhaps thats the art of writing, you leave space for the reader to make their own world out of your piece.

Hoping that we don't have school tomorrow, so I can read. HAHA sounds a little strange, but it's the truth. I want to have a little alone time, a break from school once again, and just focus on growing my mind rather than melting it sitting in a chair, listening to a teacher try to fill up the time span of two hours with useless worksheets or horrible "educational" videos. Gosh, I want to learn, not to let my brain go to waste.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

For anyone reading...

For those who might be reading this or come across this...I thought it'd be nice to post one of the most meaningful prayers in my life as well as other's in my family. The Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

Snow Snow Snow...Pray....School

So far, school has been cancelled for two days this week. I am thankful, because it has allowed me to rest. Also, last Friday was the end of the semester, so I don't have any schoolwork to fret about (maybe reading Brave New World...yet I've already read it twice in my life).

The time away from school and in this house makes me think.

What's next?

Ever since Sunday's service, I've felt rejuvenated with the love of the Lord. Sunday was also the first day I cracked open my Bible and really read, really thought, and really understood the Word in a long time. I'm thankful that He has blessed me with time to pray and pray. Usually during school is when I want to pray the most. But it's a constant motion of thinking and writing and walking and speaking and either failing or passing that is a distraction. God wants us to put the business of our lives aside in order to have time for Him. It surprises me how differently society has changed. Back in ancient times people had to find ways to survive every single day. Do we do that? And instead of asking for things, they THANKED the Lord (which also reminds me of the scene of Utopia in Candide). In my prayers I've been learning the joy THANKING gives more than asking.

Still waiting to hear back from VCU. It shall be nice to hear whether or not I'm accepted, to have that secure feeling of what school I'll be attending next year. But my heart has definitely decided on VCU, so hopefully the reply from them will correspond with these feelings.

Sunday, January 31, 2010



Because I have VICTORY through Christ.

Today my heart is dancing.

Today my heart is fufilled with His love.

Today brings no worries, for Christ has given me FAITH.

Today, I am blessedly speechless, so I can listen to the power of His GLORY,
which is pounding my dancing, fufilled, heart!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

"Crack Not Included"

A strange dream passed through my mind last night during slumber.

My friend, Kasey, told me to come to her house. I tried to get there, but it turned out this secret gang had taken over Schroeder Road in Powhatan and there was even a guard competition happening there at the same time. STRANGE.

So anyways, I get there, and time is warped. It seems that SOME houses are there, and others aren't. I could only get to one portion of the road, while the other half was nonexistent.

Katie Rusch was there (it turns out I was supposed to be a freshman in high school during this dream), and Carra Sykes was also there. I confronted them, panicky, saying, "DUDE! WE NEED TO FIX THIS!".

Immediately we broke through the time warp window, and realized everything was sculpted out of blackened cocaine. Because of certain footprints, I assumed that other people from PCC had tried to solve the warp. Carra jumped over some cocaine blocks to cross this green river, while Katie and I were like "DUDE WE DON'T WANT OUR FEET TO GET HIGH!"

And that's when we all said at once, "In this journey, CRACK IS NOT INCLUDED!".

We never reached Kasey, but atleast it was a crack-free trip. Because, well, crack is whack.

Friday, January 29, 2010

He who sewed my spirit

He who sewed my spirit,
painted forth the perfect Love,
is jealous for us.

the One who is Grace,
I pray that you lead me to Your path,
and heal the cuts from the thorns.

I can't stop writing about You,
Christ who died for me,
The blood you shed was turned into eternal life,
We're given the gift to be FREE.

Yet someone else put me together,
the devil with his clever greed,
from below he attempts to snatch my feet.
but YOU always pave over his snarling sin
and hold me,
Your humbled child, so tightly
with feathered wings.

Pride and Wisdom

Pride has overtaken my ability to freely admit the pains gripping my heart.

I become angry when I think about certain people who might use me as an example of someone who hid from Christ. Yes, I am weak to the LORD, but I cannot stand being weak to others, unless I love them.

Sometimes I only want the issue to be between God and I, but I know that humility is a process of healing and reconstruction. It's the hardest part, perhaps, for me to take the weight of my pride and use my spirit's concious arms to push and push and push the fears of feeling powerless away. I know that I am only useful in God's vision, not my own or other's.

It has appeared to me that the time gap between devotion and this reborn devotion was filled with insecurity. With that insecurity I caused myself a personal masquerade. Who did I want to be seen as? Who did I want to see me? However, not all of what I wanted was based on my actual interests or heart. This is a problem, this insecurity I barely realized is all the sudden unmasked and bare before my thoughts.

Jesus, who I miss feeling the significant presence of so deeply, wants me to give up MYSELF, carry MY cross and come to HIS holy wisdom.

Matthew 18:3-4
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

The Need

I need to listen to God rather than myself.

I need to follow God rather than my desires.

I need to let God catch me rather than run away.

I need to let Jesus love me, rather than finding someone or something else to fill the void.

I need to LOVE rather than hate.

I need to FORGIVE rather than hold a grudge.

I need to be the heart Christ formed inside me, rather than the being outside me.

I need to love,
and love.

He picks me up

This week has been rough. No lie. Infact, it seems it was a drag for most people I know.

But the week is over, and the snow shall fall this weekend.

With struggles or challenges, we can face them with GOD. I'm still trying to really practice what I preach.

"When I was oh so tired,
You come along to wake me,
Time and time again and again,
With a smile You save me

Rain, rain, rain down on me,
Again and again,
Rain down on me.

we play our cards,
And I question by the grace of what,
We play our cards at all.
Come fill me up,
oh, fill me LOVE when Im empty.
When Im all dried up

Rain, rain, rain down on me,
Again and again,
Rain down on me."
- Dave Matthews Band

Thursday, January 28, 2010


After playing drums for a good while, I am sitting here infront of this computer screen with my hair out of my face because of this red head band. God told me to write, and so here I am.

Yesterday something strange happened.

During first block my friend, Erin, and I flipped through these books of useless information (literally, they were books titled "Random or Useless Information" or something along those lines). It's always entertained me how pages in paperbacks feel slightly rough, and the slight breeze they cause as you swiftly cause them to propel over and over. This was what I was doing. I opened to a page about Humphrey Bogart. I pick up the next book. Once again, another reference to Humphrey Bogart. Another book, Humphrey's there.

I've only seen Bogart in a few movies, most noteably "Casablanca".

Maybe it really IS all useless, however, when I searched quotes from "Casablanca", I came across this:

Rick: Don't you sometimes wonder if it's worth all this? I mean what you're fighting for.
Victor Laszlo: You might as well question why we breathe. If we stop breathing, we'll die. If we stop fighting our enemies, the world will die.
Rick: Well, what of it? It'll be out of its misery.
Victor Laszlo: You know how you sound, Mr. Blaine? Like a man who's trying to convince himself of something he doesn't believe in his heart."

When I find myself tripping over the things I've stood up for in my life, and realize that my heart is not into the purpose, it can be frightening. However, I feel that I have avoided defending my own faith because of doubt.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


The past two weeks have shown me the sincerity of many people because of the Haiti tragedy. When I saw the photographs of the hurt and ruined country, my heart broke. On 60 Minutes, they showed a bulldozer literally dumping hundreds of bodies into a truck. "It's for sanitation purposes," one man said. Indeed, it is for sanitation, but how awful it is that a natural disaster has caused over a 100,000 deaths. Deaths that will not be recorded, mass amounts of corpses piled into a single grave without any identification, civil war-like medicine practiced on the wounded survivors because of the lack of supplies and electricity, people still caught under the heavy and ashy rubble crying out for help.

If this doesn't break someone's heart, I don't know what else could.

However, it has affected the people of our nation so much, that we are giving up our simple money at various opportunities to aide Haiti as well as our servicemen flying down to the poverty stricken area. This is God's love, no matter what title is put on these kind actions. I believe it is Jesus Christ's love for the poor, for the hurt, for the desperate that He plants in His follower's hearts that enables many to feel obligated and encouraged to help.

I pray and pray for Haiti. I pray and pray that He gives me more ways to help the people.





I want to go to college.

Senior year is strange. It's almost as if I'm really only there for one meaningful class (AP English); and even though I'm kicking my own butt to do well in there, my grade isn't reflecting my efforts.

Clover Hill Library is really neat. For the past couple of Tuesdays I have explored their selection of random CD's, movies, and nonfiction titles.

A good find so far:
Smiley Face starring Ana Faris

By far one of the funniest movies I've seen in awhile. It's about a California pothead who eats her roomate's drugged cupcakes, and then needs to find a large amount of marijuana to replace them. However, she's broke and is in desperate need of paying her dealer back and paying the power bill, or else she'll have her 1000 dollar heavenly mattress taken away! So she goes on this random journey through town in order to find money and pot.

It really is a funny movie if you enjoy stupid humor. Which I do.

Hmm...another great find...
would be...
Polyphonic Spree albums!

Although I've been listening to this band for a couple of years now (since Eternal Sunshine came out); I never got the chance to sit and listen to an entire album.

Good stuff!

I'm really ready to graduate. This is a stereotypical Senior statement, ofcourse. Especially a Powhatan High School senior statement. If I end up attending VCU this upcoming fall, I'm quite sure I will not be visiting Powhatan every weekend (unlike the usual modern Powhatan High graduate). I know that I am beyond ready to take the next step towards my own independence (life wise and education wise).

SOOOOO....June 12th?

Could you come any sooner?