Saturday, February 21, 2009

Strange, but Great

Ok, so what if this movie is a little creepy and off the wall? Coraline is an amazing film! My friend Ash and I saw it last night at the beautiful and ghetto Carmike theatre. No, I'm being serious, I love that theatre for its run down look compared to the often visited Commonwealth 20! Hey, not to mention its cheaper!

What was really really supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was that we saw Coraline in 3-d! Trippy! The opening credits of the movie is an odd scene of a metal claw making a doll of Coraline. Right then and there we thought, "Oh gosh...what did we just pay for?". But then it got even more strange- Scottish dogs cheering on two old ladies singing, a retired circus man doing flips off a banister, and not to mention a door that leads to the world Coraline wishes for. What does she wish for? Her parents to be perfect. Turns out these "other parents" on the other side of the door are EVIL and DEMENTED! Gotta be careful what you wish for!

Then when this gorgeous film came to an end everyone in there said "WOW THAT WAS AWESOME!", including myself and Ash. Yes, it was the kookiest film I've possibly ever seen, but its depth in animation and creativity blew me away! If you're a fan of Nightmare Before Christmas, I highly recommend Coraline. Did I mention the cool 3-d glasses?

When we went there were people waiting outside the door who had just seen the earlier showing. I thought, " it that great?", but it is! So it's official, I'm in love with this movie. Next up- Slumdog Millionaire!!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Already I miss the summer air,
its embrace around my perspiring freedom.
Enough of this bitter sting, Current Breeze!
Calling on the elevated clouds to smile with white instead of gray,
my calendar tells me that winter is here to stay.

Already I'm losing memory of that sensation,
of being lifted by a thousand hands,
while hearing the anarcho punks yell into their sweat induced microphones.
Speakers blaring out any noise in my mind,
grass stains drawn onto my t-shirt as I land in green life's patch.

Already I am excited,
about the sound of crickets chirping tremendously,
the organized chaos of night.
Moon, above, is crooning peaceful booming tune,
forcing eyes to stare at its creative complexion.

Already I await trees' prime,
when children climb, and see the massive world from smaller eyes.
Trees being comforted more because shade they provide,
and keeps our skin cool in scorching light.

Already I miss summer,
the memories and dreams produced,
the people left in its realm,
the tan tone and red ground.

Already, my heart jumps about for summer.
Be gone, chilly weather.

Saturday, February 14, 2009


As days pass it's becoming quite a challenge,
to face the fact I don't have the power to know how my body and mind will react to life.

Or what new things I have to take and try,
the old things I'm told to stop.

Attempting hour after hour,
to not be pessimistic.

God's been minimally testing me,
and in multiple ways I feel completely honored that He sees me strong enough to face these trials.

I'm becoming independent of material things (which I was never really into in the first place),
and starting to be dependant on His love.

We must be thankful, no matter the level of stress in our lives.
And I must say I feel decently stressed, whether or not it's under my control.
I'll come out of this, whatever this is, and be new

For right now,
I'm thankful that He's given me silence

and separation from things around me that I've relied on lately.

So I can hear what He has to say.

And silence is not being quiet.
Silence is a pausing moment when you learn the truth behind the freeze frames.

"What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" (1 Corinthians 4:7)

"We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ." (1 Corinthians 4:10)

I can't afford to sit here and ignore God or try to cover up my belief, because He is getting me through. It upsets me when I find myself slipping and doubting His power, when Christ is the mightiest and highest over anything, anyone, myself, my wants, my needs, the earth, the universe.

And then God's been speaking to me through this:

"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power." (1 Corinthians 4:20)

God is most visible through action.

I can no longer talk more than walk, I must do the opposite. How do I feel I should act? With more generosity, respect, kindness, concern, and belief. All at once not putting myself above anyone else, but promoting my confidence in the faith of God, keeping my self confidence from overflowing.

Lord is above all, and He is asking me to not doubt Him to others or to myself.

Whenever I do find myself not feeling His power, I think of the sun.

Have you ever realized the intensity of the sun?

Well....God created it.

That humongous, bursting bulb of energy.

And without the sun, there'd be no biological life!

So think about it...
If God could make that with His hands,
then He can fix anything in our lives with not even a thumbnail!

A blunt, simple, (perhaps cheesey?) poem I wrote

Take my pain,
free my brain

it's lost tonight
but I know I'm found in Your sight

Calm my shaking arms,
grip my descending soul,
God I'm giving up my cross,
You have all control.

and when my eyelids shine with those tears filled with fears,
Your holiness cures my loneliness

even if there's no clean water in my heart's desires,
Your wall of defense halts these running addictions
from an affliction's fire

You give me everlasting peace,
because you know I'm tired.

God I might not deserve to be granted such a beautiful gift,
but You so loved the earth its in Christ's blood I live,
I might feel done but the Holy One allows love to run in me.

So You take my pain,
my hurt,
my hate.

Jesus, You free my brain,
from the chains of earthly remorse.

I'm found in Your sight,
eternal light.

Lord You sacrificed,
so I am healed forevermore.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Valentine's Day eve

Valentine's Day- either you hate it or you love it. I've always been inbetween. For the past two or three years my valentines have been gay guys, and let me tell you- buying gifts for them is hard! They aren't afraid to tell you when you've failed to please them. Last year I wrote a poem in spanish for my friend Matt. :) How I miss him!

However, this year, my best friend was my valentine! I told her that she's the best valentine I've ever had! Why? Her gift to me. It has a shrouded mystery, a hidden code, a metaphor.

What could this mean- "Give your potato peeler a time out."? Does this say, "give the things that cause you stress a time out, seperate yourself from them?", "it's 2 a.m., the early morning and beginning of something new, so give yourself a breather in self development and be proud of what you've already carved and chipped your soul into"?

Sarah is creative hahaha and also my best friend, a sister in Christ. I'm so thankful that God has brought her into my life!! We have decided to aid each other in finding scripture, sharing the awesome word of God. I've noticed that it makes me even more passionate! Thankyou, Lord.

So to those of you who are reading- what do YOU think "Give your potato peeler a time out" means?

Bible verse of the day:

"Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ." (Romans 10:16)

Shannon also gave me a really sweet valentines card!! I LOVE HER SOOOOO MUCH!!!

I'm about to go see Friday the 13th!! Wooh! hope everyone has a great valentine's day!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Silence the Chaos

Silence...tediousness...then eruption!

That's my anxiety. I've noticed more and more everyday that there seems to be a pattern to my stress.

And a result of my stress? Insecurity.

The evil in this world is strong,
it's widespread like a disease and callouses our hearts,
we wither away into a claustrophobic mass of filth and disgust

.Self loathe.

Why do we try to control ourselves and our own lives,
when there are so many signs infront of us
calmly, then URGENTLY translating God's plans?


Lack of trust.

All of us at some point are a victim of these sharp edges of discomfort brought forth by evil. Though the "word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit."

And evil makes us feel guilt for our sins!

But it's the beauty of Jesus' sacrifice that destroys a torturous guilt.

I imagine Christ in heaven, standing there with invincibility
Saying to the devil, "I am the people's witness, the people's leader who I've taught their world with love, and love for the God that can defeat any challenge you put upon them."

The anxiety I undergo everyday has swings. I'm thankful I can still laugh. My psychiatrist has questioned by ability to. But I can, I'm still a happy and free being beneath the surface of my "disorder". For those close to me, I'm sorry you have to see me down often, but I know you guys realize that the anxiety does not define my personality.

And so today I went home today due to an experimentation in amount of medicine to take. It was too much to say the least.

Under that influence I felt taunted by horrible gut feelings, my body was shaking because of angst and anger that I can't really help myself with this. I fell asleep immediately once my head hit the pillow, and instead of reciting some grand desperate prayer, I called in my heart, "Jesus". Really, I was trying to please God by letting Him know I was holding on when I felt thrown onto thorns.

You see, God found me in the thorn patches, and His righteous hand saved me from letting the worries of life blind me from Him. I shudder when I imagine where I'd be now if I didn't have God. There is anticipation of reaching a higher level of faith in Him, so that I can face any negative force.

I'm not oblivious that there are two forces in the world: hate and love. But love overrules forever.
So the Lord, in Heaven, is using His light to burn the pain inside my soul. He's holding my days' misery and optimism to sculpt my spirit into one that exists in ethereal yet real security in His eyes and kingdom.

"Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood...but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full of armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with our feel fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." (Ephesians 6:10-16)

This is probably the heaviest post I've written, for myself atleast. I hope it doesn't appear I'm trying to preach. I'm expressing myself, and I respect anyone's opinion towards that.

For those who are in need of assurance that God is there for You, I pray His grace scatters upon your spiritual wounds and seals them up with strength.

Mutemath's song Chaos displays that feeling of being lost, but seeking God.

"I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos"

Jesus hears our cries louder than the ears sitting next to us, than our own selves. Lord, take control of the atmosphere.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


This might offend some people, but I do not mean to in anyway. From reading my previous posts I hope people understand that I take scripture seriously and love it. But there's something I must say.

Revelation is trippy. If you've ever dug into it, you know what I mean.

JAM (my awesome small group) has been studying this book for a few weeks now. Tonight was great because we were very open to possibilities regarding whether or not certain images or events are metaphors. Seriously, being an english addict I am captivated by the mystery of Revelation. The certainty within the uncertainty. What it all comes down to, past all confusing messages and questions, is that as Christians we are overjoyed knowing that one day His name will be praised by everyone and every part of the world. Jesus saves! Noticed I said saves not just SAVED.

"You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
purchased men for God
from every trible and language
and people and nation.
You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve
our God,
and they will reign on the earth." (Revelation 5:9-10)

I want to make it clear that I do not mean to offend anyone's religious beliefs, and that I just wanted to express mine. And by sharing this verse I'm thankful that God sacrificed His son for ALL PEOPLE! Even the people who don't even know His name, or lack faith. Those that sin without remorse, and those that are determined to remain devoted. He is there for all humanity. It's awesome that He would do this for us. We are loved!!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I want to ride my bicycle! bicycle!!

I'm in love with my bike again.

Here he is....(drum roll please)...Stuart the bicycle!!!!!

Isn't he a beaut? A 97 Mongoose. Yeah, I know, vintage!

Over the summer I rode my bike for a few miles every other day. After I went to warped tour and other shows, I discovered all my energy was expressed through the thrill of live music. Coming home at three to five o'clock on almost three days of the week wears you out! Since the weather's been loopy and changing from hot to cold every other second (global warming I tell you!), my hobby of bike riding has sort of died out even more. Until this past blessed Sunday, as I had posted a few days ago, I hopped on and took off in spite of my spontaneity!

Everyday gets a little more dangerous. I love riding down hills and releasing my grip from the handlebars, putting my arms in the air praying to God I don't hit a rock! It's so cool! I've been praying also in general that I let go of the steering wheel in my life and let the Lord have His way. Jesus take the wheeeeelll!!! hahaha

Ditches, natural ramps in my gravel driveway, and the usual accompaniment of vehicles or small animals all bring thrill and excitement to my times with Stuart on the road! But it is the trail in my woods that threatens my physical health the most (um...I don't own a helmet). Zillions of trees bombarding my face, the wheels of my bike collecting torn and dry leaves as they panic in the midst of zooming on soil, the random bumps and snaps of hidden tree trunks surprising my ears, and my gleaming face as I see the end of the trail draw near, my creek's visibility increasing.

I've noticed that reading the bible down there is pretty peaceful. The only thing I can say is that...well...when it gets darker the more noises pop up. I must be quiet down there, since I sit on a towel reading God's word and all the sudden I see a deer, or hear some creepy animal calls. When I was younger I used to be really afraid and run FAST when I'd hear these sounds, but now I'm not nearly as afraid. From now on when I get the opportunity I plan on doing A Call To Die down there. My concentration and isolation from home stresses are centered at the creek, and it also makes me READ differently...if that makes any sense. I absorb it more.

Then a question arose within me- doesn't God powerfully communicate through nature?

I think He does.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Thankyou the Clash!

Staying up until two last night finishing The Great Gatsby, reading a Call to Die, then resting my eyelids listening to music, this great older song came on. "I'm Not Down" by the Clash! hahaha the lyrics have been keeping a smile on my face today!

If it's true that a rich man leads a sad life
N' that's what they from day to day
Then what do all the poor do with their lives?
Have nothing to say on judgment day?

I've been beat up
I've been thrown out
but I'm not down, I'm not down
I've been shown up,
but I've grown up
And I'm not down,
I'm not down

On my own I faced a gang of jeering in strange streets
When my nerves were pumping and I
Fought my fear in, I did not run
I was not done

And I have lived that kind of day
When none of your sorrows will go away
It goes down and down and hit the floor
Down and down and down
some more depression

But I now there'll be some way
When I can swing everything back my way
Like skyscrapers rising up
Floor by floor,
I'm not giving up!!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

This Doesn't Even Sum It Up!

Has anyone been outside today?
If not, please take a step outside and bask in God's natural luminosity,
shown by perfection in temperature and smiling sky
with puffs of white sighs

The stench of two nights ago is swimming
in the stitches of my jacket
The smell is a racket of regrettable decisions

But that's what grace is for :D
To be forgiven not only by the Lord,
but by my own human self!

"-yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed...Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." (2 Corinthians 7:9-10)

My sneakers that have walked on ash paced towards my bike today once my I closed my bible. I rode up the steepest hill of my neighborhood, keeping a steady cycle in my moving legs.
Drawn on the pavement by sun and trees, were icy shades...
then a blinding light.
This pattern alternating on and off,
back and forth.

And everytime I felt those rays,
it made me ignore those agitating moments of darkening shadow
that light kept my body pedaling up and up that hill
and made doubt a thing of youth, of insecurity that God erases

I reached it, I reached the top
the rising of showering heat overcame my heart
there at the end of the hill was peaceful light with no shade

"See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing..." (2 Corinthians 7:11)

In the back of my woods there is a creek
Unlike years before
It's shallow
But now I can see what lied underneath those tiny rapids all that time!
Spiritual stability and flame within my soul

And in my pain,
my sorrow,
my confusion that has tried to conquer my life,
God has provided me shelter in His love.

There are times when my mouth is parched,
and so badly wants to speak words of nourishing hope

"O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water." (Psalm 63:1)

The creek that ran before me today rang in quiet song
"You of little faith, why are you so afraid?", the Lord whispered

I could see through the water,
the blisters of my past that I must let the Holy One heal
rather than I, myself, pick them off immediately (lack of patience)

how my soul thrives on it

how my soul has bathed in its destructiveness!

the most I can give to You is my entire heart

I slipped up...
but You knew I would, that all of us would thousands of years ago

and You love us beyond comprehension

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

I've been attempting, and will continue to attempt
encumbering all my spiritual strength and love
to sacrifice my hurt to you

It will be hard,
It will be rewarding

"...the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:8-9)

And the sacrifice will require all of me.
My expected stumble onto former addictions was a mistake,
but with the promise of reward, I am encouraged to battle

"Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God." (2 Corinthians 7)

That knowledge of Your constant gift of cleansing my soul keeps me alive.

Your righteousness endures forever!!!

So help me Lord, help me stay on track and focus on You above all other things. Bring about an enthusiasm to do good not for self benefit, but to honor You.


Friday, February 6, 2009

To Rocko's Modern Life

Oh, Rocko, how you drew a smile on my childish face!
Your cross-eyed stare, your humorous voice

And Heffer,
the stupidity in animation made me glance past
your rather circular shape
and i always wanted
those red suspenders

Nickelodeon betrayed thousands of kids
just like me
who would spurt milk out of their nose at dinner time
while watching Rocko's Modern Life,
the cartoon of tilted houses and gnarly spurts of pastel colors.

you took away Rocko and Heffer.
No more colorful prime time.

My childhood remains within the sketches,
the VHS tapes,
resting in peace within backroom vaults.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Comfort In My Struggle

Day 1 of A Call to Die was great! I LOVE THIS BOOK!!! My fingers wanted to turn the pages with such eager rapidness! Jesus, He is beyond awesome for sacrificing Himself for everyone. The concept is huge, and cannot be grasped to its full extent by us until we reach His kingdom of heaven. At my small group (JAM), we indulged ourselves into an interesting conversation about worshiping. Its differences of capability on earth and in Heaven are obvious- once we are granted the great gift of eternal life we are promised (as we follow Him), placed before Him on that mighty throne, we will take enormous joy in praising Him constantly. We all thought at one point- sheesh, wouldn't that get a little tiring? Bowing down and saying, "Lord almighty" repeating FOREVER?! Dawning upon us instantly, and us as pretty passionate young Christians, we agreed that it would be an HONOR to have to the PRIVILEGE of praising God for all time. He deserves a bit of recognition afterall!

The comfort to know that once we lose someone on this earth, and that we never lose them in our heart and spirit because they are in heaven, prepares me for upcoming deaths. My great grandmother has dementia and is close to passing away. She has been an inspiring grandmother to my father, and her occupation as an artist has kept me appreciative of expression. Her current residence is a nursing home in Amelia County, and my family members visit her often. Before that transition she lived in her house of who knows how many years in South Carolina. It was a small brown house with a decent sized garden. As she got older she payed someone to take care of that garden. Her yard is my most fond memory of her house. Kelsey and I used to run around on the cobble stones between my great-grandma's plants. The last time we stayed there it was raining, and (oh no here comes the deep stuff) I loved how precipitously driven rain drops rested on the violets' petals. hahah

Why am I sharing this? Well, I've had to accept death before in my family, and I know it will be coming soon. I pray for my Dad, since I know it will be hardest on him along with my aunts. My great-grandma lost her husband before I was born, and it's been hard on her ever since. He was a paratrooper in World War II! How cool! Whenever we visit her she often mentions Otis (that's his name). This makes me think of how I will lose people in my life, but will be aware that God's gift of eternal life makes it possible that they still live within us, and eventually our spirits reunite in heaven!! AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME! I know that she will be so happy when she finally gets to be with my great-grandpa again!

And one other thing.

I was challenged today. Challenged by my anxiety, by the effects of my medicine. To protect myself I am going to keep some information private about what exactly happened to me today. Before going to sleep last night I prayed to God that I know challenge is near, that conflict is on the horizon. Well, it came. Though a change in detail emerged! I prayed before trouble, while in trouble, and after trouble. A Call to Die said to memorize John 3:16. When I felt the rushing waves of anxiousness crash on me, I repeated the verse. My friends' tremendous care was given to me today, and I thank God for that, for not letting me be alone. I love these people who have continued to show me what love really is.

What I continue to pray is this:

Jesus, let the light of your presence shine on areas of my life that need to die, and let the fire of your Spirit burn those things away each day. Let my life be so consumed with your love and strength that I become a lighthouse for others, but Lord, only you can accomplish that in me. Have your way, Lord Jesus. Have your way. Amen.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Something New the Lord Has Brought Me

Starting today I am beginning to read a book Sarah let me borrow called A Call To Die. I'm very pumped about following this journey it's provided for others, and to most importantly become closer to God in ways that I haven't experienced!! The book instructs to fast something over a forty day period that usually takes up a portion of your daily life. I've decided to fast all Internet except for blogging (because this is how I express myself these days, and need it). The other thing I've decided to fast is texting, but not completely. To tell you the truth I haven't really decided exactly how much of it I am going to give up. I think that it'd be best if I allow myself to only text during a certain time of the day? Only after nine? I don't know, but basically I am LIMITING the amount of texting I do.

It's not only fasting objects or activities that this forty day segment asks of me, it's also attitude adjustment. To be honest, this will probably be a more arduous task. Being a teenager I have my natural selfishness, and letting go of that will help me grow as not only a human but a Christ follower.

The book mentions being more encouraging than sarcastic, which I find neat. Everyone has been on the side of receiving a slightly ignorant remark about their situation, and it does cause some hurt. That tiny verbal slash that makes you feel ignored or not put into sincere consideration. Just a few seconds ago I started thinking, "How would I feel if God gave me a sarcastic response to my prayers or requests? My thanks?". Is it not a job as a Christian to follow Jesus' footsteps which spread the love and sincerity of God? This can be so difficult as humans, since we are easily drawn to sin, hate, lust, self-centerdness. All of these things keep us from seeing people as our brothers and sisters in the name of God, the creator of us all. Not to mention- seeing God in general!!! The times I push these humanistic behaviors aside are the moments I rejoice the most about God's given willingness. At first it feels like being a child, where you want to avoid discipline, and since self discipline is the most difficult of all types, the path to appreciating following God's words and obedience is not always the most fun. It's when we separate what we consider "important" to what's genuinely important to God that we are blown away by His direction. I believe life is full of these trials that He brings into our lives, and He'd never place us in any maze that we wouldn't have the capability to escape. The key to being free is through God!

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law." (Galatians 5:16-18)

"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control..." (Galatians 5:22-23)

What do I pray that I gain graciously through my walk with God? All of the above in my life!! Right now, though, I seek self-control, patience, and peace most.

My only thing is, I'm a bit perplexed as to what I should read in the bible. Recently I've been reading Daniel and John, and bits of Mark. But I'll pray for God to provide me guidance and lead me to scripture that will affect me.

This will be challenging, but then again it will make me stronger!! Every passing day of this experience I will recite the words of Britney Spears.

"I'm stronger than yesterday

Now it's nothing but God's way"

Ok so I changed the lyrics a LOT but hey you get the jist. Wow, whoever thought Britney Spears really preaches about self growth and gaining will or maturity through the merciful Lord??

God, You are so great.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Go Ahead, Call the PO-PO!!!

THE GREATEST thing happened today!

I thoroughly enjoy car rides with multiple friends, consisting of dancing in a retarded fashion. What an art! What a joy! Life brought about one of these today after school. Sarah was the driver of her fabulous SACHL, while Shannon, Mike, Anna, and I were the passengers of transportive destiny towards the mystical and zesty El Cerro Azul. Music of the gods amplified from the speakers of righteousness (this music would happen to be 3oh!3, the most dance inspired music of today). 60 looked gorgeous and uplifting as we strolled down in pure delight, jerking our bodies caused by our brains' chemical reaction to blaring and animated soundwaves.
Then it stopped. A woman in the lane beside us, driving a red saburban with kid in passenger seat (eating TWIZZLERS!!! what a lucky son of a gun), glared at my friends and i with possessed demonic pupils. To share our love of dance and music, we looked at her, just trying to share the common love of having a good time. Instead, the woman took great offense to our fun that she rolled down her window, cell phone in hand, and yelled, "I AM REPORTING YOU TO THE POLICE!!"



Some people have a low toleration towards public display of physical dance and happiness.

It's a car full of teenagers! What did she expect?

....It's always an adventure.

The Face of an Angel

Marissa Delano has the most amazing amazing amazing amazing face!!!! I LOVE HER! She's so totally rad because she reads some sweet vintage literature! And have you seen her style?! Incredible. Marissa is my math bud, we fail that class together in boredom yet happiness! If she wasn't in that class with me I would die of confusion.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Waiting Room

Today was bloody weird. And by bloody weird I don't mean to sound British. I've literally had three nose bleeds today!! Probably because of the dry weather outside. Alas, the air is warm and comfortable today. However, where I was a few hours ago was the exact the opposite.

Ever heard of the psychiatrist? Yep, that's where I went. Let me just say that there are some quite interesting people there. The reason I have to go is to get a prescription for medicine. My problem is much smaller compared to many of the other patients. The waiting room was a strange moment.

That room was filled with so many patients, it made me feel nervous. What was creepy was that even though there were an abundance of people in there, it appeared to be more silent than having two humans whispering. Some of those people waiting looked depressed and lonely. Others looked at the wall for hours with wide eyes. Me? Well...I observed these fellow attendees. So I probably looked a bit psychotic myself! The biggest complaint I have about the waiting room was how it stuck true to its title. I WAITED for one and a half hours to see my psychiatrist, and fell asleep in the process after reading an obnoxious fashion article on Uma Therman. There was obvious tension in that room. Embarrassment. Especially whenever some one's psychiatrist would call their name out loud to come to the back. When I heard the words, "Jennifer Hall" I shot out of my chair in excitement to simply get out of that environment!! My name never sounded so good!

But as others' names were called, they would immediately look down and get up or keep their eyes focused on their doctor. It was almost like their identity was being revealed and their presence in that office published to the world.

What moved me was when I saw a soldier in there. Gosh, I can only imagine what he might be going could tell that he was struggling with something because he would smile nervously at everyone. A little boy in there saw him and pointed going, "WOW!!!". The commitment our armed forces have to our country right now is just incredible. To fight for a war that I personally disagree with. This, however, is a different discussion. There was another man who was dressed up as a cowboy...I don't really know what to think of that. And I don't mean to sound rude. I literally have no reaction to it.

I've been thinking for the past few hours how it was a little hard to stay in that room for over an hour, because the longer I was in there the more I observed and thought about people. I tend to think about and automatically care for them in some way. Therefore I did what I always do when I feel for others, I prayed.

Beside me, my mom was reading The Shack (that Beth Brawley kindly let me borrow). Mom is a pretty fast reader. She started it this morning and is almost done! As she was reading it, a lady in the waiting room said to her, "That is an amazing book, I couldn't put it down." Now I found this interesting, because this lady seemed to be the most quiet out of all of them.

Gosh...looking around that room I really did feel bad for the ones who are going through difficult mental illnesses that are out of their control. Anything from ADHD to depression to turrets to even what I have, anxiety. I closed my eyes and prayed that He helps these people. I can't deny that it was awkward being in that waiting room, but it was also a miniature miniature miniature test of not thinking these people are all around insane in every aspect. More importantly to not JUDGE!!! Judging is something I've also been working on. I've been breathing by this bit of well known scripture:

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged....Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:1, 7:3)

It would be wrong for me to make fun of the patients there, for I am one of them. And even if I wasn't, wouldn't that be incredibly mean?

The outcome of the appointment resulted in a transition in medicine. This angers me. Why can't I control what's going on by my own terms? I have to learn to let go of wanting control! The fear of changing medication every three weeks, having to adjust physically and emotionally to a new drug for eight months scares me. Because of my anxiety I can be at the lowest of lows self confidence-wise. Thinking to myself, maybe my problem is not important enough to really focus on healing, and unfortunately I used to think that I shouldn't possibly pray as much about it to God, that this is too small. I've changed my view on that. With these words:

"Look at the lillies of the field...Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you...Seek the Kingdom of God above and all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need" (Matthew 6:28-30, 33)

Have you ever seen a bumper sticker on someone's car that sticks in your memory? When I left the office, I had this frustration built up. That office was made me feel like a scientific study. There was no personal care from the way the psychiatrist asked me some quite personal questions in front of my mom. How uncomfortable! The attention to me as a subject about to undergo a series of drug trials rather than a PERSON experiencing a problem that bothers me daily disturbed me. I felt somewhat unwanted or not put in regard. On the car ride to my therapist we stopped at a stop light and stuck to the car in front of me was a bumper sticker that said:


Oh, how I will continue to praise Him through this! It can be so difficult, but I must remain determined.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I will overcome

I'm tired. Happily tired. This weekend was a painting (or atleast that's how my friend would Mike put it), where I was confronted by several emotions and various actions or words.

Friday was the first show I've been to since October when I saw Okkervil River, and it was much different from my past concert experiences. I went with Mike and Sarah, which I loved because they are two very special people in my life! Since I can be an idiot I was freezing half of the time because the only near to warm thing hanging on my body was my American Apparel thin hoodie! Yeah...standing in twenty degree weather for thirty five minutes in line is not a hobby of mine, but it eventually started to feel warm. Maybe this is a bad thing.

I forgot to mention that the band we went to see was Citizen Cope! What a man! My favorite activity to participate in at shows is dancing, for several reasons. 1.) There's no way you look the most ridiculous in the crowd...take a look around. 2.) The music just makes you move mannn 3.) WHY NOT LET THE POWER OF MUSIC OPERATE YOUR LIMBS?! Citizen Cope was BY FAR dance music material. Mike and Sarah laughed at me because apparently I looked high. Well...I kinda was, unfortunately by association.

You see, this show had many audience members that the "general" public would label as "hippies". It's no secret. So obviously with that in mind there was pot at this show. The girls smoking it were actually behind me. Ever since I quit I've feared being near it. I feel that if I surround myself with it that in time I would pick it up again. The fact that it didn't bother me at the show was NOT a sign of weakness or vulnerability towards drugs for me, but a justification that the sensation of being slightly high did not want me to go any further. Only because I admittedly and regrettably enjoyed it. Let me restate that. My physical self enjoyed it. And with that personal decision to not do it again or morally ENJOY the feeling, I felt stronger than the drug. When I smelled it I prayed. For protection. Sarah told me not to do it. I wasn't going to anyways, but I'm thankful I had her there, to have that care shown. Really, though, I didn't think that her command was authoritative. Her command was out of friendship. Gosh that feels so great to say!!

What's totally rad is the fact that the whole night I felt God. I felt Him in my heart the whole time. I had a premonition earlier that day that I was going to be faced with the challenges of being in the presence of drugs, the things that scarred me. The last show before Citizen Cope, I had still been smoking. Things were different then. It's crazy to take a minute right now..........ok done with the minute, to see how much God has changed my life!!! He's given me STRENGTH. I can feel it. I did feel it.

At the same time, I'm still challenging the aftermath of my exposure to marijuana the other night. Since I had an addiction to being either high or under some influence, that small dosage I received at the show has been making my brain want it to the full extent. This feeling that is even in my head right now reminds me a lot of how my body felt when I wanted to take drugs or drink more often. Addiction has been a dark portion of my life. As I've mentioned before, it has not only been to drugs but to other horrible things. This is a challenge, and I WILL overcome it! At this moment I have this mental vision of what this problem is to me. To close this up, this is my poem, and my cry against addiction.

The longing is there again,
Sticky like glue
(trickling and stopping, running then clumping).

Its RED eyes are stabbing my definition of ventilation,
...everywhere glaring at my new happiness.
wanting to steal my ability to feel more than numbness
wanting to possess my heart in tune with this mind

Yes those struggles push me onto splintery sin
but God saves, lifting me up again
to look down from above at what deceived me as a means of escape.

With Lord's grace all that remains from that monstrous maze
Are a few physical scrapes I might never drain or erase,
rrrrip off, rid of.
But I feel the highest love
From His heart which frees me of misery,
and weak, temporary evil tries to see my heart suffer
(Cruelty shall never win
For Jesus' power mends)

You offer nothing better than what my God offers
You will be conquered