Monday, February 2, 2009

The Waiting Room

Today was bloody weird. And by bloody weird I don't mean to sound British. I've literally had three nose bleeds today!! Probably because of the dry weather outside. Alas, the air is warm and comfortable today. However, where I was a few hours ago was the exact the opposite.

Ever heard of the psychiatrist? Yep, that's where I went. Let me just say that there are some quite interesting people there. The reason I have to go is to get a prescription for medicine. My problem is much smaller compared to many of the other patients. The waiting room was a strange moment.

That room was filled with so many patients, it made me feel nervous. What was creepy was that even though there were an abundance of people in there, it appeared to be more silent than having two humans whispering. Some of those people waiting looked depressed and lonely. Others looked at the wall for hours with wide eyes. Me? Well...I observed these fellow attendees. So I probably looked a bit psychotic myself! The biggest complaint I have about the waiting room was how it stuck true to its title. I WAITED for one and a half hours to see my psychiatrist, and fell asleep in the process after reading an obnoxious fashion article on Uma Therman. There was obvious tension in that room. Embarrassment. Especially whenever some one's psychiatrist would call their name out loud to come to the back. When I heard the words, "Jennifer Hall" I shot out of my chair in excitement to simply get out of that environment!! My name never sounded so good!

But as others' names were called, they would immediately look down and get up or keep their eyes focused on their doctor. It was almost like their identity was being revealed and their presence in that office published to the world.

What moved me was when I saw a soldier in there. Gosh, I can only imagine what he might be going could tell that he was struggling with something because he would smile nervously at everyone. A little boy in there saw him and pointed going, "WOW!!!". The commitment our armed forces have to our country right now is just incredible. To fight for a war that I personally disagree with. This, however, is a different discussion. There was another man who was dressed up as a cowboy...I don't really know what to think of that. And I don't mean to sound rude. I literally have no reaction to it.

I've been thinking for the past few hours how it was a little hard to stay in that room for over an hour, because the longer I was in there the more I observed and thought about people. I tend to think about and automatically care for them in some way. Therefore I did what I always do when I feel for others, I prayed.

Beside me, my mom was reading The Shack (that Beth Brawley kindly let me borrow). Mom is a pretty fast reader. She started it this morning and is almost done! As she was reading it, a lady in the waiting room said to her, "That is an amazing book, I couldn't put it down." Now I found this interesting, because this lady seemed to be the most quiet out of all of them.

Gosh...looking around that room I really did feel bad for the ones who are going through difficult mental illnesses that are out of their control. Anything from ADHD to depression to turrets to even what I have, anxiety. I closed my eyes and prayed that He helps these people. I can't deny that it was awkward being in that waiting room, but it was also a miniature miniature miniature test of not thinking these people are all around insane in every aspect. More importantly to not JUDGE!!! Judging is something I've also been working on. I've been breathing by this bit of well known scripture:

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged....Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:1, 7:3)

It would be wrong for me to make fun of the patients there, for I am one of them. And even if I wasn't, wouldn't that be incredibly mean?

The outcome of the appointment resulted in a transition in medicine. This angers me. Why can't I control what's going on by my own terms? I have to learn to let go of wanting control! The fear of changing medication every three weeks, having to adjust physically and emotionally to a new drug for eight months scares me. Because of my anxiety I can be at the lowest of lows self confidence-wise. Thinking to myself, maybe my problem is not important enough to really focus on healing, and unfortunately I used to think that I shouldn't possibly pray as much about it to God, that this is too small. I've changed my view on that. With these words:

"Look at the lillies of the field...Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you...Seek the Kingdom of God above and all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need" (Matthew 6:28-30, 33)

Have you ever seen a bumper sticker on someone's car that sticks in your memory? When I left the office, I had this frustration built up. That office was made me feel like a scientific study. There was no personal care from the way the psychiatrist asked me some quite personal questions in front of my mom. How uncomfortable! The attention to me as a subject about to undergo a series of drug trials rather than a PERSON experiencing a problem that bothers me daily disturbed me. I felt somewhat unwanted or not put in regard. On the car ride to my therapist we stopped at a stop light and stuck to the car in front of me was a bumper sticker that said:


Oh, how I will continue to praise Him through this! It can be so difficult, but I must remain determined.


Salty Duck said...

good post! i wish you the best with your anxiety disorder.

i like the bible scripture on judgement as well :)

YesNoMaybeSo said...

thankyou!! that's very kind of you to say. Scripture is a helpful source of guidance for me these days, so I'm glad you enjoyed it!