Thursday, February 12, 2009

Silence the Chaos

Silence...tediousness...then eruption!

That's my anxiety. I've noticed more and more everyday that there seems to be a pattern to my stress.

And a result of my stress? Insecurity.

The evil in this world is strong,
it's widespread like a disease and callouses our hearts,
we wither away into a claustrophobic mass of filth and disgust

.Self loathe.

Why do we try to control ourselves and our own lives,
when there are so many signs infront of us
calmly, then URGENTLY translating God's plans?


Lack of trust.

All of us at some point are a victim of these sharp edges of discomfort brought forth by evil. Though the "word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit."

And evil makes us feel guilt for our sins!

But it's the beauty of Jesus' sacrifice that destroys a torturous guilt.

I imagine Christ in heaven, standing there with invincibility
Saying to the devil, "I am the people's witness, the people's leader who I've taught their world with love, and love for the God that can defeat any challenge you put upon them."

The anxiety I undergo everyday has swings. I'm thankful I can still laugh. My psychiatrist has questioned by ability to. But I can, I'm still a happy and free being beneath the surface of my "disorder". For those close to me, I'm sorry you have to see me down often, but I know you guys realize that the anxiety does not define my personality.

And so today I went home today due to an experimentation in amount of medicine to take. It was too much to say the least.

Under that influence I felt taunted by horrible gut feelings, my body was shaking because of angst and anger that I can't really help myself with this. I fell asleep immediately once my head hit the pillow, and instead of reciting some grand desperate prayer, I called in my heart, "Jesus". Really, I was trying to please God by letting Him know I was holding on when I felt thrown onto thorns.

You see, God found me in the thorn patches, and His righteous hand saved me from letting the worries of life blind me from Him. I shudder when I imagine where I'd be now if I didn't have God. There is anticipation of reaching a higher level of faith in Him, so that I can face any negative force.

I'm not oblivious that there are two forces in the world: hate and love. But love overrules forever.
So the Lord, in Heaven, is using His light to burn the pain inside my soul. He's holding my days' misery and optimism to sculpt my spirit into one that exists in ethereal yet real security in His eyes and kingdom.

"Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood...but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full of armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with our feel fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." (Ephesians 6:10-16)

This is probably the heaviest post I've written, for myself atleast. I hope it doesn't appear I'm trying to preach. I'm expressing myself, and I respect anyone's opinion towards that.

For those who are in need of assurance that God is there for You, I pray His grace scatters upon your spiritual wounds and seals them up with strength.

Mutemath's song Chaos displays that feeling of being lost, but seeking God.

"I know you stay true when my world is false
everything around’s breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
everything around’s breaking down to chaos"

Jesus hears our cries louder than the ears sitting next to us, than our own selves. Lord, take control of the atmosphere.


Sykes Kid said...


warriors for Christ with His armor only, we are protected!!!


i'm glad we are sisters :)

i love my sisters and pray for them and fight with them!

Vincent said...

Jenn, I would like to share something with you. I became very religious some years ago (1972) and within two years I was struck, mildly at first, with an illness called chronic fatigue syndrome, which I only got over in 2005. the biggest part of my cure was to understand in the deepest part of my body and mind that I had been suppressing emotion - something that I had done as a part of my spiritual attitude to life.

When we dedicate ourselves to an ideal we force ourselves to ignore or over-ride those parts of ourselves which don't conform to that ideal. Emotions are the body's messengers, and (though contrary to religious ideologies) the body is a lot wiser than the mind. Anger, fear, grief and other emotions can be processed easily enough by taking appropriate action. If we ignore them, they do, precisely as you indicate, erupt periodically like volcanoes.

There is a remedy as I found, both as a patient and later as a therapist for a short while. It is, in brief, to put your own needs first, and respect the wisdom of your body in not tolerating your head's efforts to impose some ideal behaviour upon it, which generates a tension and a repression.

The medication will not in any way cure you because it will just try to help your head ignore what is going on within you. The medication will try to assist the repression. I didn't want to worry about you, but I hope you will take appropriate action, sooner or later.

Vincent said...

Thanks for your response to my comment which you posted to my blog, Jenn. I take note of what you say, but feel it belongs here on yours, so please don't be offended that I have deleted it from mine. I shall append it underneath this. Of course feel free to delete this on yours as you see fit!

Vincent said...

YesNoMaybeSo commented to me as follows:

In response to your comment on my latest post- although it might appear as if I try to ignore my body's feelings, I do not. It might also appear that I speak religion constantly throughout my day, but the purpose of my blog is to express my love for Christ, or for my life, and the struggles that come with it. In person I am quite closed up about my religion, and then very open in my writing and amongst my fellow church goers. I am thankful for your advice! Thankyou for sharing your personal story with me. I have close friends who I call my family that have been the true supporters whilst I undergo my physical challenge. To them I release my anxious feelings. Holding on to God, though, has kept me from being completely miserable in thought. I'm pleased that you respect my views, as I do with yours. Do not worry too much about me, for I am blessed with various sources of comfort. You're correct, the medicine won't cure me, but it is meant to help calm my physical state, to decrease the amount of repression as you said. I've had to switch back and forth between anti depressants because of the suicidal effects. But I know I'm strong, and the fact that you have given me a piece of your wisdom lets me know I do need to take as much action as possible. Thankyou very much!