Monday, March 30, 2009


We know what it's like
to sit on the edge of indifference,
staring at a night sky filled with both stars and cigar smoke

The world is a cloak and fails to blind our sight,
from the blaring sound of God's communications.
Amplify, amplify, amplify,
these spurts and piling love,
so that the earth can see not East of Eden.

How does a tree swish softly in secrecy,
when its life is tremendous and wise?

How does the Lord dig into hidden cracks,
attack any oblivious pain
stuffed or slapped to the back of our brains?

The heart is a progressing element,
doomed to prepare for hurt,
and trained to overcome with Christ's mercy.

God's great weapon to put us in His planned place.

Something we don't deserve afterall,
Yet the Lord delivers us to stand tall,
so we never have to crawl into a sheltered corner of darkness,
ever again.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

an awesome awesome weekend!!

God has blessed me this weekend, along with many others.

Especially at PCC this morning.

Near the end of the service, while the super talented Beth Brawley sang to the Lord, "Thank you for healing me", multiple members of our church came on stage to present their cardboard testimony. On one side of a person's board it would read something like "Abandoned", and once they would flip it over it said, "Completely and unconditionally loved by the Lord". Although I don't remember his name, a little boy who I've seen walking around with a cane went up there and said that now he is walking in His light. And he then put down his cane and proceeded towards his father's arms. What a tear jerker moment for those who went on stage this morning, myself included! The crowd was crying, it felt like everyone was praising God at that moment.

My board said "Felt unaccepted", and then I wrote on the other side, "Now accepted by Christ & PCC". The impact by PCC has really changed my view on the Lord and has helped me tremendously in allowing Christ to move my soul. When I held my board infront of the church, inside my heart I was praying to God, thanking Him and realizing that I am not the person I once was. Nor will I ever be, because God wants me to move forward onto greater things with His guidance. Like Brian said at the end, "It doesn't stop here, folks." My prayer today is that people continue to be wowed by God's amazing love and surrender their pain, fear, addictions, and unhealthy pessimism to Him. We don't know how He heals, but He does, and always will!!

On Saturday I went to Carry Town with my cousin and sister, then to Hollywood Cemetery (loved it!!). After that we went to Common Groundz to watch my best friend, Sarah, perform. This girl never fails to deliver her best, and her talent made the whole room silent, so it seemed. She did awesome!! I'm thankful that we also got to hang out last night!!! LAAA SARRRAAAHHHH!!!! hahahh

There I met one of my blogger friends, Carra! That chick is so cool! Already I feel inspired by her passion for God!!! My prayers go out to Carra as she discovers God's plan for her. As I told her earlier, it makes me so happy that God has led me to fellow Christians through writing, and to simply genuine people!

My grades have been progressing in a precipitous manner lately. I've prayed to God to give me a sign that I can improve, give me some type of encouragement. Because of my anxiety (although I really hate to use this as an excuse), I try to avoid any type of homework or studying because it makes me worry and fret pretty bad. Any ambition that was present in my school work has left me over the past few months, but I can restore that. The challenge is- how? Prayer, pushing myself. But God did speak to me, when I opened by bible to this verse.

"A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge, and happiness..." (Ecclesiastes 2:24-26)

"What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil- this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him." (Ecclesiastes 3:9-14)

"So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because this is his lot." (Ecclesiastes 3:22)

And so this is yet another small part of our whole life that we have to give to God, our effort in everything we do, in order for our future to be by His will.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A List of Today's Observations

Some things I noticed today:

1.) The Powhatan County Library smells like fried rice
2.) Mr. Noechel is a whole lot younger than I thought
3.) Cinnamon graham ers are quite delicious
4.) If you blur your eyes while looking a fire exit sign, it looks like a bright red splash of neon powers.
5.) When people are awkward by themselves, it causes everyone around them to be awkward.
6.) Frantic self defense tends to be a conflict for people to overcome.
7.) God is amazing for creating hearts rather than just minds.
8.) God's word is only for the best, and never meant to harm us.
9.) Tortilla chips can pierce through the gums between your teeth pretty hard.
10.) Having the name "Jesus" on your cake makes it even more spiritually tasty.
11.) Janis Joplin had one heck of a voice, but made a drastic choice with in the end.
12.) Friends are supposed to be there when you do something wrong, not walk away and make you feel ashamed, but help.
13.) If there are problems and addictions in your family, you can be the one to stop it all by choosing to not continue the pattern.
14.) beaches must be awkward.
15.) The times we need silence the most can be the times we want distraction more than anything.
16.) Graham is a great dude, he deserves a lot of love.
17.) I can't control the uncontrollable.
18.) The english AP test really wasn't THAT hard.
19.) Before I take the leap and give my all to help others, it can't be too selfish to try fixing myself as well.
20.) Shannon, Audrey, Sarah, Brandon, and Jessie have constantly been there for me.
21.) My sister deserves the best guy out there. Enough with immature boyfriends.

Monday, March 23, 2009

short update


I haven't blogged in what seems like a while compared to my usual habit of writing every other day. Well, I'm back.

And...there's not too much to say.

This isn't a bad thing whatsoever.

Inside there's been something accumulating all my knoweledge of Lord, of the love given to me and given back, the words of another going through a mental illness, that has given me silence. A pondering without startling fear. My hands aren't shaking as much.

Maybe I'm becoming calmer.

This whole trusting in God thing-

a little tip for everyone-

kinda really works in the long run I've noticed.

With anything,

great or bad.

There's this book my friend Marissa let me borrow the other day...and I love it. Some other people who have read it and find the guy depressing. The author does have depression, but I saw his book, "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now", as a creative way to express his feelings. I think that for people who don't even have clinical depression can relate to many emotions he conveys. Feeling alone, longing for someone who doesn't want you, and just disliking the world, I believe, are all common feelings. Or so I hope, because without these dark moments we wouldn't be able to appreciate the brighter ones. And pain is what makes us all the same in the end, and that can make us more secure with ourselves and with each other.

So check this guy's site out. Yes, there's a bit of inappropriate stuff.

My cousin, Sarah, and I have been hanging out a lot lately. It's so neat. This is an answer to one of my long said prayers to God. She moved back this past January. That was the first time I had seen in her in five years!! It's been really awesome to get to know someone within my family like I'm getting to know her. Infact, she just came over.

We watched this horrible movie, called the Chumscrubber. It was hilarious and bad!! We didn't really understand it....

And we try to play really trifling songs on guitar like "photograph" by nickelback....yeah! yeehaw!!

That's all for now... :D

Saturday, March 14, 2009

He is going to fix this

There's this fear and awareness that I could be falling back into the old habits I once had. And everyday it gets closer. My control is sliding down the wide and easy path to walk on. Then I pray, I pray that God will help me not see satisfaction in the readily available sources of "happiness". And I've worried about people finding out I'm suffering from this, because I don't want them to think my faith has fallen short. But that's an unhealthy way to think! My faith is personal, only God and myself know how things are really going in my life. But I have to keep leaning on Him.

This morning I opened up my phone to call someone to vent to...or something....and instead I closed it. I shut it off for about an hour and just read the Bible and prayed. Knowing God is there is a much greater comfort than any person could provide. Although, I love my friends who have constantly been there and they do bring me a wonderful sense of hope! The love of God shown through people in my life has been amazing.

Last night was rough, and I saw that responsibility is now being put on me to look after my sister. I'm fine with it, this is not a complaint. She's my sister and I love her very much, and we're dealing with stuff together. The one thing I want to make sure of is that she doesn't make a mistake that many of my other family members have made in the past, and find herself unworthy of being cared for. My sister is worth dying for, and yes we have some wounds that need healing, but we are trying to seek God together in order to recover and move forward.

I think about people around the world who experience crucial pain, and how people who follow Christ in those situations still find a reason to smile and praise Him. And my reason to praise Him is that He exists and is saving everyone from their earthly remorse, even when we think He's left the room.

Have you ever thought about how the soul is infinitely deep? Usually I enjoy getting to know people extremely well, but in the past I've found myself stopping at a certain point. Because I see how everyone is imperfect. Why did I do this? Maybe I didn't want to deal with truth. But now I realize it's a beautiful truth, so we can all relate.

You know, everyone has those moments in life when your heart feels beat up and torn, and you cry and cry, but your heart still hasn't said everything it needs to express. And recently I've told God to take it all.

God is going to fix all of this.

And for those who read this and see me often, if my face is sad and pale, I'm fighting. The instances where these hands shake and my mind says that I'm alone is complete crap. I want that feeling to go away. This is intense for me to be this honest...but that's how it is right now. I'm not going to sugar coat the situation. I can't expect me to NOT have bad times either, and having strong faith in Christ is not worrying about the troubles that lie ahead. That, in my opinion, takes tremendous strength, but it makes perfect sense.

But Jesus hears our cries, and He's not going to leave us in our battles. He is our shield.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

the need

Today's conclusion: Virginia's weather is bipolar.

BUT I LOVE THIS HOT WEATHER!! I MISS IT! All of the windows in my house are down, and for once I didn't have to sleep with an electric blanket all the way up!!! SO EXCITING!!!

It seems that lately I am going through another phase of study. Some reading and "meditating", trying to find myself spiritually.

The struggle is still on, but everyday I strive to say out loud, "God, I'm giving this to You." My friend has been telling me since I first started talking to her that I need to give this up to Him, and depend on Him. And in a way, this has been a tough situation for me to be raw and real with God when it comes to my pain. It's getting better though, tremendously better. And when I pray honestly and admit my hurt, I feel really great afterwards!

Another thing I'm starting to see is that religion is pretty personal. I mean, it's funny, because in other parts of the world people live on their religion because they don't have anything else. They don't have the freedom we do in America, either, to practice any belief system they want.

And I'm starting to notice how many people I've known are secretly sad, worrisome, and desperate, but are deadly afraid of going to church. I'm well aware of what it feels like to not want to go to church, but it was never because of a fear towards God, it was a fear of how people there would perceive me.

What does that matter in the end? Church is for worshipping and concentrating on God. And God loves us just the way we are, but wants us to excel spiritually as well.

It's frustrating. The fact that the words "Christian" and "church" have such a bad reputation sometimes. Now when I hear Christian I think of people who recognize Christ as their savior and have faith in His sacrifice, wanting to walk by God's word and in His plan for us.'s serious. Saying you are a Christ follower is not a joke. Galatians 2:20 says it all. I want to LIVE by the spirit. No, actually, in reality, I NEED to live by the spirit. He is in all of us, but maybe it's up to me to open my heart and let His wisdom move me in my actions and words. I don't want the selfish desire for me to be in control of everything anymore.

When I feel alone, God is there. God is everywhere, but ofcourse I have my moments where I wrestle with Him because the evil in this world is trying to make me suffer. But God destroys that emotion in the end with love. He is love.

So the struggle continues, but God hasn't left my side...

Monday, March 2, 2009

Hangage, Slumdog, Sex God, and Acid Tests

I believe this weekend was probably the best I've had in a very long time.

Let's see....

For one: hanging with Mike and Sarah on Friday night was a blast!

Where would I be without these two? They're very special and geniune people, and I feel more than blessed to have them!! I love them!!!

Two: Slumdog Millionaire (need I say more?)

Speaking of that film, I felt pretty hurt to see those children treated the way they were. It kind of broke my heart. And what made me mad was that barely anyone in the theatre seemed affected. There just wasn't a tension in the room. Ok...seriously...people need to wake up and smell the horrible coffee of our world's reality!!! I feel pretty moved to help those kids someday in India, or other areas in poverty. After witnessing it on screen, my mind can only produce even more graphic and realistic images of the truth. Part of me feels that it would eat away at me if I never helped while I had the chance. SO I GOTTA DO IT ONE DAY!!!

Three: Snow.

I think many of Powhatan's residents' prayers were answered last night as snow started to fall from the sky. Snow- does it look more like powdered sugar riding the wind or lazy bits of cloud not wanting to stand so high anymore? Hm...I don't know!

Either way I feel loved, happy, and mentally exposed to great things.

Four: Books.

There are two books I started reading yesterday that I haven't been able to put down.

SEX GOD and Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test

Two polar opposites, I know.

SEX GOD has been great, and given me a new perspective on how spirituality and sexuality link. Really, it's shown me in an even more straight forward direction that when we try to find escape or comfort through sin, or try to completely ignore our desires, we are therefore disconnecting from God. And beneath our wants and needs, there is usually a spiritual emptiness.

Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test is crazy! For my English semester project I'm doing Tom Wolfe and his grip on the subcultures in the sixties and seventies. It's been an interesting study so far! Hippies, the New York art scene, and feminism are the main cultures I've been looking into so far that Tom Wolfe wrote about. There's a lot more to be read!

As of now it's day 26 of "A Call To Die"! Not too far away from being day 40. However, my friends and I are searching for a new devotional. Any suggestions out there? I recently found this book called Godology, that looks really cool. But, besides that, nothing sticks out.

Hope everyone is enjoying the snow! To all my friends- get some rest! I know you guys are busy!!