Saturday, February 27, 2010

Virginia Beach HORROR

Not meaning to hate. But there's something that makes me cringe when I walk to class and see someone wearing the dreaded Virginia Beach tie dye hoodie.

All of us have witnessed one of our doomed loved ones, or maybe our acquaintances, sport this confused/innocent/blotched/downright unfortunate cotton sweatshirt. The colors, meshed all together, with yellow closely resembling the shade of rotten butter; is trifling. We must raise awareness of this sight hazard.


I have an amazing mother, an amazing mother who called me yesterday saying, "Hey, so you want two Dave Matthews tickets?" while I was at Cattura's with Kelsey. Since the place is pretty quiet and chill, I was trying to encumber all the bold control of my voice and keep it low. So, it's official. This July, I'm going to see Mr. Dave along with my hero, Carter Beauford!!! Yes. The lawn experience shall be a life changing one.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

List of...

There are only a few months left of high school. It's hard to believe that the people I spend almost everyday with won't be where I am next year. At VCU! I'm so excited to start college in the fall!!!! To start fresh and learn more about myself...

Last night I went to small group with my sister in the first time in a while. I'm glad I went. We talked about insecurities. It made me realize how negative I am, how happy i could be if i focused more on the good than the bad.

So, what I am thankful for today:
- Noechel being in a good mood for AP and journalism
- Molly excessively wagging her tail when she sees me come out of my car.
- Having dinner with my mom and sister at El Cerro
- Talking to Mrs. Burley afterschool
- Getting a 7 on an ICE
- Going to God for love when I felt the opposite
- The Sun!!!
- Mr. Lewis' smile
- The fireplace that is keeping me warm

And although there is a deep pain present in me, I can still laugh and rejoice in God's name.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I think I met You
In the wind of the dancing grass

I think I knew You
As the water cleansed the past

Something is swelling
Inside the dryest root

Your love is the first
Your love is the last
Your hands hold eternity
All of it is a vision
breaking through stained glass

Break the walls
the exterior of my sorrow

Sew me back together
Just as you knitted my heart to be

How I need You

Some Jank to Get Off My Chest

Rainy days get me down. No matter the mood or what's going on, the grey atmosphere and cold wetness is depressing.

I'm waiting for it to be warm, so that my fingers don't feel numb. It feels awesome to go outside and not have to wear a jacket or run to the car because of how cold it is. I love the summer. I love the spring. I love seeing new life sprout from the earth and feeling a sort of freedom being comfortable in the sun.

Now it's up to question whether or not I can go on World Changers this summer. I know that God will make it happen if it's what He wants.

The third nine weeks of school feel pointless. Instead I'd rather get a job to start paying for my tuition and fees, for World Changers, for the Dave Matthews concert, for the 311 show, stuff. I'll be working so much this summer, that I'm not sure how much "fun" I'll be having. I guess this is the part where I gotta grow up. It'll make good money. I'll be getting off at two or three every afternoon. I'll be in Richmond rather than at a possibly even more boring job in Powhatan.

Today I was thinking, wow, I don't think I'm going to cry when I graduate. I just don't. It seems like the majority of the kids who are really enjoying "being" a senior are the ones who have had the highest high of their life in high school. Well, that's not too many people to count, and I'm certainly not in this category.

Some classes are a foil to my optimism. "Well oh well, since you guys don't give a crap about the rest of your senior year, I'll see you at a bar, homeless"- my physics teacher has quoted to us TWICE this week. Or, let's take for example, another teacher of mine who has random mood swings and decides which days to be mean and others to not. I'm so lucky to have him for three hours straight every other day! Especially when you are the target of ridicule! I can't get enough of it!

The other part that really annoys me would be how some teachers assume I'm either stupid or a trouble maker. Sometimes I literally will act retarded in order to piss them off, because their either over enthusiasm or franticness bugs me. CUT LOOSE!

I remember in tenth grade I was so offended because my english teacher accused me of cheating on an in class essay, saying that I "copied other online sources and essays". Well, darn, lady...I know I'm not kissing your butt every class like some other individuals, sorry I'm not what you expected- smart.

Because I came out a long time ago, I've learned to deal with homophobia. But since becoming a Christ follower, it has been difficult, especially in an area where that discrimination or disapproval is accepted. I know that my brothers and sisters love me very dearly, just as I love them. But, come on. Don't regard to people who are homosexual as more sinful people than others, don't regard to people who are gay or lesbian as someone who doesn't deserve Christ's love. Being gay or lesbian is just one part of someones life. Folks are just folks. We are all united in the blood of Christ and that's where we shall attempt to keep our hearts.

One of my dear brothers, who I've known since junior high and became a close musician of throughout high school, stood up for me last summer at World Changers. While we were in drumline together he always debated with me the subject of God and homosexuality. As time passed and our relationship grew in an odd way (but a good way), he became closer to Christ, and all this time I hadn't. He thought about whether he believed homosexuality is a sin or not. Although I'm not quite sure of what his final view is, I know that he still loved me.

In the van during World Changers, he asked if I could talk to him. He had told me that in the showers that some guys were making fun of gay people, and that he went up to these guys and told them to stop. This made them furious, starting a whole debate. My friend insisted that there was no exact quote in the bible that referred to God hating gays. They cornered him, including a grown man, getting angrier. He was fearless, however, and challenged them with a question, "well what if I'm gay?" (he is not), this made them angrier.

Atleast the good that can come out of anger like this is the fact that I'm sure this made the guys think about the subject more. Hoepfully HOPEFULLY in a more in depth and thoughtful way rather than ignorant.

I want to help those in my life who are homosexual to feel that they are loved by Christ just as much as any other straight person. Or, any person.

We must remember, that no matter what, Jesus wants us to LOVE and that His blood shed for every single man and woman.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Songs of Joy

Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with Him.

(Psalm 126:5-6)

My Sweetie

I love this girl. She has the grandest personality of a dog I've ever known. Although she can be a bit of a hassle, when she is calm and loving, I can't deny that I adore her to pieces. Right now she is sitting beside me, eating her Pedigree-supposed-to-make-her-breath-smell-better bone.

Occasionally she will glance up at me with her eyes squinted, she must be in doggy heaven. Oh, how I love my dog! hahaha

Saturday, February 20, 2010


The possibilities
Floating into a sphere of existence
Trapped by fear

Aligned inner spirits
One by one
Into chaotic piles

There's no way to see the floor
When you have cards flying
and sticking
(or maybe disguising)
the core

King Harvest

Two of the best rock bands ever (in my opinion) have written some amazing music, with amazing relation in their lyrics and tone, their rythyms and harmonies, their rawness and their control. In times of the desert, what I need is a little bit of inspiration, a little bit of a push to keep on truckin'.

However, my life has brought many blessings this winter. Like great friendships being strengthened, some friendships taken away, news of what my future holds, the thoughts of who I am spiritually, the idea of a better way, the hazy nights, the glaring sun, the hiding moon, and the standing trees.

I have been selfish, devoted, too inward, too outward, loving, and hating. Isn't this normal? The spirals that conduct your life's actions and paint the sky grey or blue. Bittersweet moments are the most remembered, irony grips onto your mind and perplexes the most intellectual particles of your soul. Whether you believe in fate or not, some things you know were meant to happen, or not meant to happen.

The feeling of being threatened by an impossibility can encourage me more than the easy ticket sitting plainly infront of my chances. Perhaps this is why lust kills the innocence and joy we can lose so quickly.

I'm going to PCC tomorrow. Not sure why, but I am. It's been a long time. I'm not going to see anyone (not saying that in a mean's that people are not my encouragement this time), I'm going to see why God wants me there. Since last night questions have sprung into my noggin. The only way they can be answered are through meditating with the Lord. No matter what people believe in, I hope they hold ONTO that positive mystical power that fills their heart with happiness.

Friday, February 19, 2010

GOD does not hate gays. GOD does not limit His love to one certain group of people. GOD's love is everywhere, in everyone, for everyone!

Less hate, more LOVE
For some reason, some twentyish minutes later, I am drawn back to writing.

There's a part of me filled with angst, and the other half is filled with optimism and love.

Yesterday when Kelsey and I drove into our driveway, and my sister grabbed the mail, I recieved my acceptance letter to VCU! I couldn't stop screaming for hours. A huge weight is lifted off my shoulders, and the official notification of my acceptance brought me peace. Kelsey said that before she opened the mailbox, she spoke a tiny prayer in her head for me to hear back from VCU. CRAZY HUH?!

So, yes, now I just gotta apply for some dormage.

God definitely blessed me with granting the opportunity to hear back from them sooner than I had expected. Along with the letter, there was also another one from my friend Greg who I met on the World Changers mission trip. Exciting day! He is my brother in Christ and he always has encouraging words and stories to share. I'm thankful for our friendship!

My dad got me a job at VCU parking. This means that I will have to get up at four thirty every morning during the summer! Insane!!!! (I'm not looking forward to the exhaustion, but def the pay)

Anyhow, tonight I'm going to Hayley's eighteenth birthday party. She is so boss.

Well, gotta fill out this app. Peace to all!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Yesterday I found out that my Spring Break will be spent in NYC with my friend, Jessie, and my sister! So stoked, so happy! We bought our Lion King tickets today, which is also thrilling! All of us have watched the movie several times throughout our childhood (many...many times). It's ironic and maybe intended that this was the Broadway play for us to go see, because by graduating it is the "end" of my childhood.

So, besides that exciting news I have been applying for jobs. Mainly in Westchester Commons. Surprisingly enough many shops there are hiring, and surprisingly many of hte managers were there today when I went to go introduce myself. AND SURPRISINGLY the greatest chance I have as of now is a job at GameStop. INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE...INSANE IN THE BRAIN! When I was younger I was addicted to video games, so atleast I have a decent knoweledge of what's up, and yes, I still play Metroid Prime late at night (or replay Legend of Zelda: Windwaker). Wow...maybe I shouldn't post this stuff online.

But the main motive for getting a job is for the obvious gas money reason, and to go to more shows. I can't go to any if I don't have money. And the Dave concert is in July, and I must, must go. Also, the Neptune, NJ trip is in July, and I need to find funding for that as well.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Dave Matthews Band coming to VA Beach July 20th! I MUST GO RAHRAHROIAUER)(#*)R(*#!!!!

For reals, I've loved this band since I was freaking seven dude! AHHH!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Elementary Sports

Carrie Underwood acabo de cantar. The Superbowl is about to start. For this house it means occasionally looking at the score and having an excuse to eat excessive amounts of chips and salsa.

Truth is, I've never cared for football. Infact, I don't know any of the rules to the game. I know what a touchdown is and interception (?). But thinking about sports today reminds me of how I used to be an atheletic kid, and how opposite that is today.

There are a few memories of my early childhood sports. When I was in kindergarden and first grade I played softball. The only thing I clearly remember is how one game they put me in outfield. I was staring at the seams of my glove, how they made a thousand little ties and squares and a few knots. For some reason, it was fascinating. A few minutes into my observation, I heard a ball pop off the other team's batter, and the ball magically landing in my glove. I stared up at my team mates and they came running over to me excited as poop because I had saved the game. That's one fine example of coincidental heroism.

Softball also had strange kid moments. Before a game in the summer I had just started using deoderant. Because it made my pits smell amazing, I thought, hey! I sweat on my arms during games! why not! And so I smeared deoderant stick all over my arms. My mom was pretty amused and confused as to why I would want to do that. Hm, I don't know why either.

I also had this attitude problem. One of my friends on the team, Jessie was her name, was the pitcher, and hit the other team's batter. I shouted "Yeah Jessie!", cheering on the violence. Sheesh, I bet her mom in the crowd still wants to strangle me to this day! HAHA

But then in third grade at Spring Run Elementary, I got into basketball. Since I was a fast growing kid at the time, and taller than the majority of the other girls, they placed me as center. Whenever we played a game I always felt proud of my responsibility. Yet, I was an aggressive kid and stole the ball atleast three times in the game because I was not afraid to get in those girls' faces. Yeah, that's right, I was a boss! Ha, not really.

After the games when we lost, we would all get in the line to high five the other team's hands, and instead I twisted their arms. For an entire season I got away with this until one of the last games, and the mom of one of the many victims confronted me holding her daughter's wrist, furious at my action. My mother was freaking out afterwards and thought that the family would end up suing me if there should be a spranged wrist or what not.

Once I moved to Powhatan I quit all sports because I was going through a very awkward and shy stage. Powhatan was so different from Chesterfield, the people were different, the camo and confederate flags terrified me (hahaha), and it was strange to go to a place I had never heard of in my life and leave all my old elementary school friends behind. However, I adjusted to my new home and discovered how much I loved music. That's when I began taking guitar lessons for two years, classical guitar. No, I don't remember how to play anything. Since then, music has been my thing ya hurd?

Thursday, February 4, 2010


Thursday. Is it thursday? Well, only an hour and 22 minutes left of it. The week has been different, a turning point.

Hopefully we will be snowed in tomorrow...our pantry is loaded with ramen and diet dr. pepper (my crack, in other words). I rented Dazed and Confused, Smiley Face (again), Woodstock, Year of the Dog, and Smart People from the Clover Hill Library as well as two books: East of Eden and Thank You for Smoking.

Going to the library today made me feel happy. It's quiet there, and on all of those shelves are thousands and thousands of pages that will only make my mind bigger and better. Getting into the swing of chain reading gives me something to focus on, something to think about, and something to keep me entertained.

When I'm in the middle of reading a good book, I sometimes will randomly remember a certain scene or description. For example, in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, I thought about how the main character always took pictures of each significant object or person in his presence, how he saw New York. In the story he is a nine year old child who lost his father on September 11th. I was also nine years old when the terrorist attacks occured, so how he percieves the evil reminds me of how I did. It didn't make sense, all it seemed to be was a pain that could not be healed. Thankfully I did not lose anyone on that day, but I can only imagine what it would've been like to have experienced such a loss.

So, yes, I am becoming a book nerd once again. It's crazy cool how animated your mind can be by just reading typed words created by someone else. I always wonder what the author pictured as he or she wrote, but perhaps thats the art of writing, you leave space for the reader to make their own world out of your piece.

Hoping that we don't have school tomorrow, so I can read. HAHA sounds a little strange, but it's the truth. I want to have a little alone time, a break from school once again, and just focus on growing my mind rather than melting it sitting in a chair, listening to a teacher try to fill up the time span of two hours with useless worksheets or horrible "educational" videos. Gosh, I want to learn, not to let my brain go to waste.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

For anyone reading...

For those who might be reading this or come across this...I thought it'd be nice to post one of the most meaningful prayers in my life as well as other's in my family. The Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

Snow Snow Snow...Pray....School

So far, school has been cancelled for two days this week. I am thankful, because it has allowed me to rest. Also, last Friday was the end of the semester, so I don't have any schoolwork to fret about (maybe reading Brave New World...yet I've already read it twice in my life).

The time away from school and in this house makes me think.

What's next?

Ever since Sunday's service, I've felt rejuvenated with the love of the Lord. Sunday was also the first day I cracked open my Bible and really read, really thought, and really understood the Word in a long time. I'm thankful that He has blessed me with time to pray and pray. Usually during school is when I want to pray the most. But it's a constant motion of thinking and writing and walking and speaking and either failing or passing that is a distraction. God wants us to put the business of our lives aside in order to have time for Him. It surprises me how differently society has changed. Back in ancient times people had to find ways to survive every single day. Do we do that? And instead of asking for things, they THANKED the Lord (which also reminds me of the scene of Utopia in Candide). In my prayers I've been learning the joy THANKING gives more than asking.

Still waiting to hear back from VCU. It shall be nice to hear whether or not I'm accepted, to have that secure feeling of what school I'll be attending next year. But my heart has definitely decided on VCU, so hopefully the reply from them will correspond with these feelings.