There's this fear and awareness that I could be falling back into the old habits I once had. And everyday it gets closer. My control is sliding down the wide and easy path to walk on. Then I pray, I pray that God will help me not see satisfaction in the readily available sources of "happiness". And I've worried about people finding out I'm suffering from this, because I don't want them to think my faith has fallen short. But that's an unhealthy way to think! My faith is personal, only God and myself know how things are really going in my life. But I have to keep leaning on Him.
This morning I opened up my phone to call someone to vent to...or something....and instead I closed it. I shut it off for about an hour and just read the Bible and prayed. Knowing God is there is a much greater comfort than any person could provide. Although, I love my friends who have constantly been there and they do bring me a wonderful sense of hope! The love of God shown through people in my life has been amazing.
Last night was rough, and I saw that responsibility is now being put on me to look after my sister. I'm fine with it, this is not a complaint. She's my sister and I love her very much, and we're dealing with stuff together. The one thing I want to make sure of is that she doesn't make a mistake that many of my other family members have made in the past, and find herself unworthy of being cared for. My sister is worth dying for, and yes we have some wounds that need healing, but we are trying to seek God together in order to recover and move forward.
I think about people around the world who experience crucial pain, and how people who follow Christ in those situations still find a reason to smile and praise Him. And my reason to praise Him is that He exists and is saving everyone from their earthly remorse, even when we think He's left the room.
Have you ever thought about how the soul is infinitely deep? Usually I enjoy getting to know people extremely well, but in the past I've found myself stopping at a certain point. Because I see how everyone is imperfect. Why did I do this? Maybe I didn't want to deal with truth. But now I realize it's a beautiful truth, so we can all relate.
You know, everyone has those moments in life when your heart feels beat up and torn, and you cry and cry, but your heart still hasn't said everything it needs to express. And recently I've told God to take it all.
God is going to fix all of this.
And for those who read this and see me often, if my face is sad and pale, I'm fighting. The instances where these hands shake and my mind says that I'm alone is complete crap. I want that feeling to go away. This is intense for me to be this honest...but that's how it is right now. I'm not going to sugar coat the situation. I can't expect me to NOT have bad times either, and having strong faith in Christ is not worrying about the troubles that lie ahead. That, in my opinion, takes tremendous strength, but it makes perfect sense.
But Jesus hears our cries, and He's not going to leave us in our battles. He is our shield.