I'm tired. Happily tired. This weekend was a painting (or atleast that's how my friend would Mike put it), where I was confronted by several emotions and various actions or words.
Friday was the first show I've been to since October when I saw Okkervil River, and it was much different from my past concert experiences. I went with Mike and Sarah, which I loved because they are two very special people in my life! Since I can be an idiot I was freezing half of the time because the only near to warm thing hanging on my body was my American Apparel thin hoodie! Yeah...standing in twenty degree weather for thirty five minutes in line is not a hobby of mine, but it eventually started to feel warm. Maybe this is a bad thing.
I forgot to mention that the band we went to see was Citizen Cope! What a man! My favorite activity to participate in at shows is dancing, for several reasons. 1.) There's no way you look the most ridiculous in the crowd...take a look around. 2.) The music just makes you move mannn 3.) WHY NOT LET THE POWER OF MUSIC OPERATE YOUR LIMBS?! Citizen Cope was BY FAR dance music material. Mike and Sarah laughed at me because apparently I looked high. Well...I kinda was, unfortunately by association.
You see, this show had many audience members that the "general" public would label as "hippies". It's no secret. So obviously with that in mind there was pot at this show. The girls smoking it were actually behind me. Ever since I quit I've feared being near it. I feel that if I surround myself with it that in time I would pick it up again. The fact that it didn't bother me at the show was NOT a sign of weakness or vulnerability towards drugs for me, but a justification that the sensation of being slightly high did not want me to go any further. Only because I admittedly and regrettably enjoyed it. Let me restate that. My physical self enjoyed it. And with that personal decision to not do it again or morally ENJOY the feeling, I felt stronger than the drug. When I smelled it I prayed. For protection. Sarah told me not to do it. I wasn't going to anyways, but I'm thankful I had her there, to have that care shown. Really, though, I didn't think that her command was authoritative. Her command was out of friendship. Gosh that feels so great to say!!
What's totally rad is the fact that the whole night I felt God. I felt Him in my heart the whole time. I had a premonition earlier that day that I was going to be faced with the challenges of being in the presence of drugs, the things that scarred me. The last show before Citizen Cope, I had still been smoking. Things were different then. It's crazy to take a minute right now..........ok done with the minute, to see how much God has changed my life!!! He's given me STRENGTH. I can feel it. I did feel it.
At the same time, I'm still challenging the aftermath of my exposure to marijuana the other night. Since I had an addiction to being either high or under some influence, that small dosage I received at the show has been making my brain want it to the full extent. This feeling that is even in my head right now reminds me a lot of how my body felt when I wanted to take drugs or drink more often. Addiction has been a dark portion of my life. As I've mentioned before, it has not only been to drugs but to other horrible things. This is a challenge, and I WILL overcome it! At this moment I have this mental vision of what this problem is to me. To close this up, this is my poem, and my cry against addiction.
The longing is there again,
Sticky like glue
(trickling and stopping, running then clumping).
Its RED eyes are stabbing my definition of ventilation,
...everywhere glaring at my new happiness.
wanting to steal my ability to feel more than numbness
wanting to possess my heart in tune with this mind
Yes those struggles push me onto splintery sin
but God saves, lifting me up again
to look down from above at what deceived me as a means of escape.
With Lord's grace all that remains from that monstrous maze
Are a few physical scrapes I might never drain or erase,
rrrrip off, rid of.
But I feel the highest love
From His heart which frees me of misery,
and weak, temporary evil tries to see my heart suffer
(Cruelty shall never win
For Jesus' power mends)
You offer nothing better than what my God offers
You will be conquered