Thursday, January 29, 2009

Letting It Out...Sorta

I've been advised not to do this, and even though it might create some embarrassment for me, I think I need to let this out in some way.

It's around this time at night that my nerves are timid and pressed tightly. In late November/early December I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorder is common, but that doesn't solve the problem for me to know that. I'm not entirely sure why I have it, and have panic attacks...but I do and I've been trying to get better.

I've left school a few times because of attacks. They hit me randomly and at what seems to be the worst times. In some driving instances I start to hyperventilate and have to pull over, sometimes the panic proceeds and sometimes it does not. Whenever I'm alone my mind feels as if it's being choked by a rope controlled by unknown sources. If I knew what all of those sources were then maybe I'd start to rid of this trap that's progressed in my brain. I now have a great fear of being alone and hurt, so I always long to be with people who openly love me and show great care towards this thing I can't control. More importantly, I don't know how I'd deal with this if I didn't have faith in God.

My grades have gone down and it's difficult for me to finish any type of homework assignment because at home I feel stressed, so when I'm stressed I can't operate well. At school I try not to care about what's going on because when I do show interest then I think about it too much and that causes me to freak out. I miss half a day at school every Monday on top of it all to go to therapy, and that piles more work on top of everything else school wise. For a while I couldn't play drums for more than fifteen minutes because my confidence was gone. But I have picked it back up again to regular routine.

The only places I feel genuinely happy at are at my church and the Brawley's house. I feel incredibly blessed for both places. I usually feel more connected with God in these places too. When I'm home I read the bible and try to focus on God so much more because He is true and watching me. I know He is. Everynight I pray for Him to heal me of this strange sadness and mental anxiety and worry. And I feel guilty that I worry too much about stuff because in the end there's not much to fret over. Once an attack is over I feel drained and pray and pray. At the same time, I thank Him for the people who are by my side or talk to me when I'm having one. I don't know how those people can still see me as a normal or great person when I have attacks, it takes strength to see through that. I feel like I can't give back enough love that people have given me in the past two to three months.

On Monday I began taking Zoloft...which has been an interesting experience side effect wise. The only one I've had trouble with is nausea, along with zoning out and increased heart rate. My mom's friend who takes Zoloft said that these usually go away within the first week. I hope so. I hope it helps calm my nerves down.

I know not everyone agrees that I should be taking medicine, and I respect that. Infact in a way I find it a compliment because that statement makes me feel like I'm not one hundred percent mentally unstable, but that it's because of some situations and events that have happened over the past year that are making me this way. Whatever it is, I pray to God that He helps me and will keep me in His arms throughout this. And you know what? He's doing just exactly that. Through people, through my heart.

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