Saturday, January 24, 2009

I completely forgot I have a blog.

Infact...I'm still a bit confused- is this my blog?

After pulling this up the realization that my memory is fuzzy appears, and most of all, that change has truly occurred. Who was the person who typed dramatically about loss in life? Why did I have the impulse to express my feelings about my natural indecisiveness? Thankfully, my old self will not be revisited.

But I do remember a few things.

There was no desire to embrace God's grace and recognize his power in my life. A fear of spiritual guidance or partial authority consumed my mind. Or more obviously, my body. I took up the art of smoking. The reason I say art is because there are quite a few variations and styles. It becomes art once it's a stress reliever. Once it becomes a means of stressful ventilation. For that's what REAL art has always been for me.

One night I was almost arrested for the activity. At the time the situation was looked up as great entertainment, but now I view it as idiotic. I can still see the policeman's flashlight's glare in my pupils, how they must have looked dilated and hollow. How I didn't move and froze there, my thoughts discombobulated (sp?), thrown into a pathetic blender. Later on that evening the cops would pass us by a couple of times while we were smoking illegal substances.

That's when I prayed seriously for the first time in an extremely lengthy duration. I told God, "Lord, I trust that whatever happens tonight is what will happen. If you could please just ensure my safety tonight...I would be so thankful. Forgive me."

The next day I woke up after a fifteen hour nap. And cried, letting go of tears I thought couldn't be produced by my then passive mindset. Vania called me and told me to go to PCC with her the next day. Church was not my idea of fixing things, but something made me move my body and transport it to the service.

As my dear friend Sarah Brawley told me, "Wow, you had no life". Although her statement was regarding the fact I spent a night smoking at a public facility with a couple of "buds" (who I no longer associate myself with for the obvious reasons), it was stamped and pressed against my noggin in a completely different way. I thought about it for a long time....

I had no life because I did not allow myself to love God.

But God was there with me when I let myself be vulnerable to substance addictions, and to others as well. He was there holding me when I would wake up on the floor and not move for two hours, staring at the ceiling wondering what my life was made up of, and whether or not I really really wanted it to continue. Without that spiritual rock to lean on, my back hit hard on the jagged pavement of absence. God was there all along, but it was my eyes that failed to open.

PCC. Whoa. Enough said. I used to be one of those people who would laugh at the subject of church, and find church incredibly hypocritical or ridiculous. But PCC is honest and real, full of once broken or healing people, putting their life in His hands. It was the music at FOCUS, though, that made me aware God was going to change me. I was so overwhelmed and happy, the fact that God could make me cry and be who I really am. Not full of ignorance like I used to paint my personality's developing canvas with. That color wouldn't stick. But His vibrant and undeniable love is what I suddenly wanted. I quit my bad habits, and picked up new ones, such as going to small group every week.

This led me to great, amazing, and wonderful people. Angie Frame has been a blessing in my life. She talked to me when I first came to PCC, and made me feel extremely welcome. Shannon Brawley has affected me in more ways than one. I believe God brought her into my life to see His light better, since she encouraged me to keep attending PCC, to come to small group. Her lack of judgement about my past and present is a great comfort to me and I owe her so much. She possesses a caring and beautiful heart that I idolize! Sarah Brawley is a being of awesomeness. It almost shocks me to this day sometimes how much we can relate to each other in life situations. I always take her advice into serious consideration, because I feel that she somehow knows me even though she doesn't have complete knoweledge about my life. Hopefully I will be able to express one day how much her words and actions affect me. Both her and Shannon have constantly been there for me whether it's 1 AM or 1 PM! I feel so incredibly thankful for them, and thank God for them quite often. Beth Brawley, although I am yet to get to know her better, has also given me great insight on the current situations in my life!! WOOHHH the Brawleys rock! hahah

However, there are some things to repair within my own family. I will have to be patient through the process of healing.

One last note-
God is amazing!

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