Pride has overtaken my ability to freely admit the pains gripping my heart.
I become angry when I think about certain people who might use me as an example of someone who hid from Christ. Yes, I am weak to the LORD, but I cannot stand being weak to others, unless I love them.
Sometimes I only want the issue to be between God and I, but I know that humility is a process of healing and reconstruction. It's the hardest part, perhaps, for me to take the weight of my pride and use my spirit's concious arms to push and push and push the fears of feeling powerless away. I know that I am only useful in God's vision, not my own or other's.
It has appeared to me that the time gap between devotion and this reborn devotion was filled with insecurity. With that insecurity I caused myself a personal masquerade. Who did I want to be seen as? Who did I want to see me? However, not all of what I wanted was based on my actual interests or heart. This is a problem, this insecurity I barely realized is all the sudden unmasked and bare before my thoughts.
Jesus, who I miss feeling the significant presence of so deeply, wants me to give up MYSELF, carry MY cross and come to HIS holy wisdom.
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."