Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Last Monday my therapist said to me, "You have changed so much. I wish you could see our first session, where you could hardly breathe, and see yourself now, calm and content."

And this is the part of my journey where the fear that has been sticking to my heart has to peel off. That fear inside is the anxiety to try facing the world step by step without the assistance of a therapist. Within six months, they will start decreasing my amount of medicine. Yesterday when I went to hang with Sarah for an hour, I expressed the loathing of having to be taken off a pill. The psychiatrist I have told me some people do not react well to decreasing medicine, and that it's very possible for me to need to stay on medicine longer. I'm fine with taking medicine as long as I need it. I like the fact that some chemical is helping my mind balance, my emotions balance. And at the same time, it doesn't make me numb. But this fear, I have to let go of.

Then there's school. My life...which sheesh in a year I'll be out of highschool and will be one month away from being nineteen (I'm an older student). Let's just say I haven't been recieving too much encouragement from my home. A lot of assumptions really. Negative ones. BUT instead I plan to do whatever God places in my heart. What that is? Not sure. But there's this grand feeling that it has something to do with playing music. I can't live without it. If all else fails school wise, I'll still have that. Might not have a lot of money...but that's never been too important to me. Yes, money is necessary to survive in this country, but I want to be happy. Not go through college majoring in something that doesn't capture my best interest, and always dreaming about being this performer or something! I don't know. It's so great, though, that the Lord has a plan. And I know that His plan is one to cause me to prosper, not to harm. Trusting in Him, I have to push all other's pessimistic assumptions and opinions about me, and turn my eyes upon God. In the end, things always work out for us if we follow Jesus.

And at PCC this Mother's Day, my mom went! The dance at the end was so moving! GOSH! Made me really see how I hit a bad point with life, and God somehow found me through it all! YEAAAHHHH!!!! He is amazing. OH and I almost forgot! haha but I played that service! My friend Rachel thought it was so funny seeing me play with a bluegrass group, but hey it's music! I didn't care! The musicians are the most tolerant and mature guys I've ever played with! Yet...everyone else I've ever played with has been below the age of twenty! Probably explains a lot. I hope I can bring some type of glory in God's name for His people by playing. Being up on the stage, I didn't feel nervous at all! It was awesome! AHHH! I didn't care if people noticed that I was playing drums, I wanted them to hear the music and feel the spirit of the LAWD come aliveeee!!! hahaha SO RAD

Prom was this past weekend! What a great time! Never been to a school dance before. I went crazy! Our group was fun and hyperactive the entire time! At PF Changs I hit on this super cute waiter, and it turned out he was gay! UGH! Besides that though, it was a highlight of my junior year. Infact, my junior year has been more than I could ask for. Yes, I've had to deal with anxiety and crap. BUT I found Jesus, gained a new incredible best friend, learned a lot about myself through God, found a family at PCC and with the Brawleys, and I've felt happiness more than sadness. I've prayed for...a long time for this. For happiness. At night, I still experience this temporary depression. I don't know why...but it's so quiet in my house, we don't really talk to each other, my room is silent. It's strange to transition from a busy school day with dozens of talking people, to my house...where...communication lacks in some areas. But God's working on that. I mean...seriously! My mom came to church with me, that is a big step in my parents supporting my new found faith. She said that she'd come next sunday too! I'm praying she keeps this promise. And it's not that I want her to spend time with ME and ME alone, I want her to discover in this time of her life the love of Christ, and how he always offers change and love. My mom deserves this joy. My dad does too.

The book of Acts is blowing me away. Intense devotion to spreading the word of Christ? You betcha buddy! When Stephen gets stoned, and yet he prays for God to forgive the people...that's Jesus. And how Stephen "falls asleep". There's more to this than him just falling asleep. It's showing that God granted him the peaceful rest apart from the evil that surrounded him. Isn't this what we all want? Apparently...it's possible by not only demonstrating but BEING MOVED by Jesus' guidance. Forgiveness: this is the hardest thing for me. That and jealousy. I could go on about my jealousy problems. The worst part is that I bottle it up for so long and then it explodes. But jealousy shouldn't be in me in the first place. If anyone knows any bible verses based on this, please let me know!!

Gotta run to God for this.



Beth said...


(and you, too)

tangentmaster said...

Hey, girl:

The following link is good in regard to jealousy. I particularly like the line that jealousy means we're not satisfied with what God gives us.


Peace, Scott.

La Sarah said...

im with my mom.
i love love love reading this.

Jackie said...

How can one girl with such a new faith be so profound?