drums

As human beings, we can do a lot.

But without God, we are without direction, right?

What are we capable of as His children?

I've been trying to figure out what His plan for me, at this moment in time, is.

I dont' really listen to Christian music anymore. It's not because I think it's bad, or stupid, or anything...it's just that I feel He wants me to search somewhere else, search somewhere deeper. Because God cannot be summed up in a song, or all the music in the world.

But...maybe He's also trying to tell me that the gift He granted, music, is something I need to expand my concentration on.

My drumset is crappy. HAHA but I'm thankful for it. I think it's made me a better player...because I have to work harder to get a better sound. Whenever I play on nice sets, it blows me away. How sensitive they are, how responsive they are to your musicality. And I realize that a new set is not what I need right now. That's so much money!!!

What I need to do, is just keep learning, learning, learning. And listening to music. MAKE music, not just run it.

the end.

It's time that I try to find myself. By myself.

And not have anyone else define for me.

Or any drug.

Any substance.

Any genre of music, any hobby.

I've been sitting in a red chair for a couple of days, healing from my surgery, and it's given me more than enough time to journal and sketch my thoughts out.

And I've decided to leave them in those notebooks.

For now.

That privacy between God and I, is great.

And even though I'm calming down in an obedient sense, as in not focusing on BEING the Christ follower, maybe all God wants me to do is to learn how to love myself.

Because for a long, long...long time I haven't done that. I haven't faced myself.

Now is perfect timing. My best friend is away. School isn't going on. I'm not dependent on anyone except for God. It's fustrating to learn that you have deeper problems than you thought. And you start to break yourself down. But these are skeletons that have no heart, just bones that give my soul an outter frame, and they can whither away, or they can stay and enhance my strength.

And all the rest, I'll keep in me. Between God and I.

time to warp the minds of thousanddzzz

so warped tours coming soon. i miss it so.

I know this has nothing to do with God, but...

warped tour's pretty schweet.

I'm not religious.

I'm not religious.

Just inspired by Christ.

Attempting to follow His footsteps, one tiny tip toe march a day.

What's the point of focusing on our wrongs?

When He has forgiven us?

When He wants us to glorify the kingdom with our strengths?

I'm not religious.

I'm not nit picky.

And sticking to the small paranoid drones of personal sin,
does not allow healing.

If we focus on Jesus,
we will be cleansed.

I'm not religious.

Just inspired by Christ.

Baptism

Yesterday I was baptized.

And to be completely honest...I don't have words to truly describe the feeling of being in the water, feeling connected with God, and saying that Jesus is Lord infront of many family members and friends. My dad came which was pretty awesome.

It's....amazing. The memories of where I was in the fall, and how much HE HAS CHANGED ME INTO A HAPPIER BEING is overwhelming. When I went under water was the only time a tear came down my face, but other than that, I was attempting to keep it in.

To see my sister baptized before me. How we have followed this healthy path of recovery...and all because of Christ...ahhh gosh it's indescribable.

So many adults, grown men and women, being vulnerable for God and crying because the emotion of Jesus smiling at us is amazing. There was such a genuine nature that day. So many stories, so many lives, so many broken hearts being put back together, piece by piece, and in a restored form. Awesome awesome awesome!

My baptism is my favorite memory of life so far.

I can't forget it.

Dry, empty-
no longer am I.
Christ caught my misery,
making it into light.

And as the water,
the cool river stream
is used for Your glorification.
We bury ourselves deep,
arising with victorious declaration-

Jesus is Lord!
Jesus is Lord!

Son of earth and of heaven,
How do You make the sun bounce onto our faces,
while the river's ripples glaze over death's dust?
Amazing us.

We are illuminated by mercy,
highlighted by creation's beauty.

The Might One, God, The Lord
speaks and summons the earth
from the rising of the sun
to the place where it sets

Your love cleanses,
Your love is this stream!
Reflections of ourselves,
Your Children,
Proclaiming-

Jesus is Lord!
Jesus is Lord!

AMMMMEEEEEENNNNNNN

Discovering the Plan

See that shadow of light between the trees, past the grey clouds? To me, that is heaven. Yet I am on the path we must all follow to reach it, to try to dedicate more of our lives to Christ. But His presence is within me, His love wrapped around our souls that cannot be destroyed by things of this earth.

I'm currently in this state of mine, questioning my faith.

This is healthy.

This is great.

It leads me to discover what Jesus has planned for me next. This spiritual quest drives me to find what He wants me to do, what He wants me to hear Him say.

And oddly enough, I believe it's not so much another phase of total submersion into a devotional, focusing all my intense worship-ness only on Sundays, or even forcing myself to read the Bible consistently. Instead, I think He wants me to see who I am through BEING who I am. The fact that we can identify ourselves as Christ followers, yet at the same time as individuals, is amazing! It wouldn't surprise me if people only classify themselves as Christians, and I don't see anything wrong with that. But I love expressing myself through writing and music, and I do this FOR GOD'S GLORY and not really for myself anymore. There's a reason why we are granted natural abilities to perform or relate to other people, and I think it's because God has a purpose for us on earth to live out these gifts. We mustn't worry so much about where it will take us, but we should take in every moment, the great and the unbearable, and rise above this world's upliftings and downfalls to enhance our connection with the Lord. Heaven...that place above where we all want to be, I am so so so just wowed thinking about how it's beyond our imagination of happiness! To be with GOD, our creator, our rock, our shelter, our provider, our EVERYTHING! Can I get an AMEN?!

For about a week now, I've sat in English class, taken aback by the intensity of words in The Grapes of Wrath. The distinct use of human nature and biblical references is astounding. Although I haven't cracked it completely (and probably won't, considering a novel is a novel...the arguments and questions sometimes never have a true answer!), I have been inspired by Chapter 14 when Steinbeck writes, "This you may say of man- when theories change and crash, when schools, philosophies, when narrow dark alleys of thought, national, religious, economic, grow and disintegrate, man reaches, stumbles forward, painfully, mistakenly sometimes. Having stepped forward, he may slip back, but only half a step, never the full step back." Powerful. We may make some grand mistakes, but it is instinct to pick up the pieces and move on. That is our human nature, otherwise we would not survive in this society of torment and decisiveness.

And at the same time, God provides us with so many beautiful things here on earth- each other. People make the place. Not to mention the trees, the sound of a flame flickering. You can't imitate the Lord's creation one hundred percent, it's impossible. Like cloning- what the heck dude? We don't need that crapppp!!! I don't wanna see twenty of the same person. Strange...!

Jeremiah has been a favorite of mine lately. The contrast between sorrow and then praise for God is a perfect portrayal of all of us and our emotions conflicting with faith.

"But the Lord is with me like a mighty warrior; so my persecutors will stumble and not prevail." (Jeremiah 20:11)

"Sing to the Lord! Give praise to the Lord! He rescues the life of the needy from the hands of the wicked." (Jeremiah 20:13)

"'Am I Only a God nearby,' declares the Lord, 'and not a God far away? Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?' declares the Lord. 'Do I not fill Heaven and earth?'" (Jeremiah 23:23-24)

"In my distress I called to the Lord; I call out to my God. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to His ears." (2 Samuel 22:7)

God of our life,

our heaven,

our sky,

continue to set us free from the captivity of depression,

of unhealthy obsession.

Lord,

You proved me wrong so long ago
When I tried to doubt Your existence

while my heart was overwrought

with pain tingling and screeching

You silence all the chaos,

calm the violent winds,

and seem to find me again,

during times I think I'm falling,

into the abyss of loneliness.

Thank You!

This is how much free time I have in Spanish Class by the way! HAHA

i have a problem