today

After playing drums for a good while, I am sitting here infront of this computer screen with my hair out of my face because of this red head band. God told me to write, and so here I am.

Yesterday something strange happened.

During first block my friend, Erin, and I flipped through these books of useless information (literally, they were books titled "Random or Useless Information" or something along those lines). It's always entertained me how pages in paperbacks feel slightly rough, and the slight breeze they cause as you swiftly cause them to propel over and over. This was what I was doing. I opened to a page about Humphrey Bogart. I pick up the next book. Once again, another reference to Humphrey Bogart. Another book, Humphrey's there.

I've only seen Bogart in a few movies, most noteably "Casablanca".

Maybe it really IS all useless, however, when I searched quotes from "Casablanca", I came across this:

Rick: Don't you sometimes wonder if it's worth all this? I mean what you're fighting for.
Victor Laszlo: You might as well question why we breathe. If we stop breathing, we'll die. If we stop fighting our enemies, the world will die.
Rick: Well, what of it? It'll be out of its misery.
Victor Laszlo: You know how you sound, Mr. Blaine? Like a man who's trying to convince himself of something he doesn't believe in his heart."

When I find myself tripping over the things I've stood up for in my life, and realize that my heart is not into the purpose, it can be frightening. However, I feel that I have avoided defending my own faith because of doubt.

Haiti

The past two weeks have shown me the sincerity of many people because of the Haiti tragedy. When I saw the photographs of the hurt and ruined country, my heart broke. On 60 Minutes, they showed a bulldozer literally dumping hundreds of bodies into a truck. "It's for sanitation purposes," one man said. Indeed, it is for sanitation, but how awful it is that a natural disaster has caused over a 100,000 deaths. Deaths that will not be recorded, mass amounts of corpses piled into a single grave without any identification, civil war-like medicine practiced on the wounded survivors because of the lack of supplies and electricity, people still caught under the heavy and ashy rubble crying out for help.

If this doesn't break someone's heart, I don't know what else could.

However, it has affected the people of our nation so much, that we are giving up our simple money at various opportunities to aide Haiti as well as our servicemen flying down to the poverty stricken area. This is God's love, no matter what title is put on these kind actions. I believe it is Jesus Christ's love for the poor, for the hurt, for the desperate that He plants in His follower's hearts that enables many to feel obligated and encouraged to help.

I pray and pray for Haiti. I pray and pray that He gives me more ways to help the people.

Graduation

College.

College.

College.

I want to go to college.

Senior year is strange. It's almost as if I'm really only there for one meaningful class (AP English); and even though I'm kicking my own butt to do well in there, my grade isn't reflecting my efforts.

Clover Hill Library is really neat. For the past couple of Tuesdays I have explored their selection of random CD's, movies, and nonfiction titles.

A good find so far:
Smiley Face starring Ana Faris

By far one of the funniest movies I've seen in awhile. It's about a California pothead who eats her roomate's drugged cupcakes, and then needs to find a large amount of marijuana to replace them. However, she's broke and is in desperate need of paying her dealer back and paying the power bill, or else she'll have her 1000 dollar heavenly mattress taken away! So she goes on this random journey through town in order to find money and pot.

It really is a funny movie if you enjoy stupid humor. Which I do.

Hmm...another great find...
would be...
Polyphonic Spree albums!

Although I've been listening to this band for a couple of years now (since Eternal Sunshine came out); I never got the chance to sit and listen to an entire album.

Good stuff!

I'm really ready to graduate. This is a stereotypical Senior statement, ofcourse. Especially a Powhatan High School senior statement. If I end up attending VCU this upcoming fall, I'm quite sure I will not be visiting Powhatan every weekend (unlike the usual modern Powhatan High graduate). I know that I am beyond ready to take the next step towards my own independence (life wise and education wise).

SOOOOO....June 12th?

Could you come any sooner?

I'm very much like Stephen Dedalus in "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" by James Joyce. I've been in the lowest of lows and depended on the very shallow sources of life to satisfy me, and then I've been to a spiritual extreme, maybe an unhealthy extreme, that blinded me from the reality of the world. But, as I have been made, I am an artist of my own life. I am an artist of words and music. So where's the balance?? I cannot deny beauty and then at the same time I cannot deny a Higher Power that is all around us. Floating freely and concentrating on the inner parts of our souls.

Episode II

So...so....not too many entries this school year on here.

Good?

Sure.

Reading more, discovering more.

For example, Candide. At first read this satirical novel appeared to only serve the purpose of a political mockery relating to the time Voltaire had written it. But...no. NO! Voltaire asks "what is the balance between realism and optimism??" It had never dawned upon me until rereading the last phrase in the book, "cultivate our garden", that I saw that thinking too deeply is just as poisonous as perhaps not thinking at all. And so here I am, peering out my window of perception that is yet to creak open more and more with each day, yet only glancing momentarily then straining my sight. Either way, the peaceful balance we can accomplish as human beings is not visible. We were meant to just BE. When we can allow ourselves to be a part of the universal theory of concentrating on love rather than self benefit, peace will be granted.

Maybe, though, I am way over my head. But I like to think that all of these thoughts have a reason, but only if practiced, only if the theory is produced through lifestyle choices.

There are so many beautiful things in life, such as the ability to feel mentally and soulfully connected to art. The feeling generated in the heart by listening to music is an anomaly compared to any common emotion, because it is inexplicable.

What's even more rad, is how certain tools can enhance your musical experience.

Thank you, Ethereal Journey.

Last year Marissa lent me her Chuck Klosterman book IV. I had only read half of it last year, but two days ago I picked it up again and am almost completely done with it. Now I totally understand her love for this guy. He takes journalism to a completely different level, not to mention he's quite witty!

Much love to all!, Jenn

pshh

there's this thing called love.

It's the best thing in the world.

And we all want more of it.

And sometimes we don't want it at all...because we are aware of how much LOVE can tear us as much as it can bind us.

Then there's love for God that I have right now. The one thing I'm holding onto is His love by giving me music, for me to vent through.

blah blah

i'm wondering what i should do.

today at new harvest i was refreshened with the lesson of wrestling with God.

and I haven't wrestled. I've just pushed him away. Because I don't really want to talk to Him about the stuff I want to control. He is supposed to be my pilot, yet I'm treating Him like the co-pilot in all areas of my life.

And I'm fustrated with certain things...hmm...yeah quite a few. But I'm not going to post it on this blog. Cold weather always brings cold times in my life it seems. And it's freezing outside.