Last Monday my therapist said to me, "You have changed so much. I wish you could see our first session, where you could hardly breathe, and see yourself now, calm and content."

And this is the part of my journey where the fear that has been sticking to my heart has to peel off. That fear inside is the anxiety to try facing the world step by step without the assistance of a therapist. Within six months, they will start decreasing my amount of medicine. Yesterday when I went to hang with Sarah for an hour, I expressed the loathing of having to be taken off a pill. The psychiatrist I have told me some people do not react well to decreasing medicine, and that it's very possible for me to need to stay on medicine longer. I'm fine with taking medicine as long as I need it. I like the fact that some chemical is helping my mind balance, my emotions balance. And at the same time, it doesn't make me numb. But this fear, I have to let go of.

Then there's school. My life...which sheesh in a year I'll be out of highschool and will be one month away from being nineteen (I'm an older student). Let's just say I haven't been recieving too much encouragement from my home. A lot of assumptions really. Negative ones. BUT instead I plan to do whatever God places in my heart. What that is? Not sure. But there's this grand feeling that it has something to do with playing music. I can't live without it. If all else fails school wise, I'll still have that. Might not have a lot of money...but that's never been too important to me. Yes, money is necessary to survive in this country, but I want to be happy. Not go through college majoring in something that doesn't capture my best interest, and always dreaming about being this performer or something! I don't know. It's so great, though, that the Lord has a plan. And I know that His plan is one to cause me to prosper, not to harm. Trusting in Him, I have to push all other's pessimistic assumptions and opinions about me, and turn my eyes upon God. In the end, things always work out for us if we follow Jesus.

And at PCC this Mother's Day, my mom went! The dance at the end was so moving! GOSH! Made me really see how I hit a bad point with life, and God somehow found me through it all! YEAAAHHHH!!!! He is amazing. OH and I almost forgot! haha but I played that service! My friend Rachel thought it was so funny seeing me play with a bluegrass group, but hey it's music! I didn't care! The musicians are the most tolerant and mature guys I've ever played with! Yet...everyone else I've ever played with has been below the age of twenty! Probably explains a lot. I hope I can bring some type of glory in God's name for His people by playing. Being up on the stage, I didn't feel nervous at all! It was awesome! AHHH! I didn't care if people noticed that I was playing drums, I wanted them to hear the music and feel the spirit of the LAWD come aliveeee!!! hahaha SO RAD

Prom was this past weekend! What a great time! Never been to a school dance before. I went crazy! Our group was fun and hyperactive the entire time! At PF Changs I hit on this super cute waiter, and it turned out he was gay! UGH! Besides that though, it was a highlight of my junior year. Infact, my junior year has been more than I could ask for. Yes, I've had to deal with anxiety and crap. BUT I found Jesus, gained a new incredible best friend, learned a lot about myself through God, found a family at PCC and with the Brawleys, and I've felt happiness more than sadness. I've prayed for...a long time for this. For happiness. At night, I still experience this temporary depression. I don't know why...but it's so quiet in my house, we don't really talk to each other, my room is silent. It's strange to transition from a busy school day with dozens of talking people, to my house...where...communication lacks in some areas. But God's working on that. I mean...seriously! My mom came to church with me, that is a big step in my parents supporting my new found faith. She said that she'd come next sunday too! I'm praying she keeps this promise. And it's not that I want her to spend time with ME and ME alone, I want her to discover in this time of her life the love of Christ, and how he always offers change and love. My mom deserves this joy. My dad does too.

The book of Acts is blowing me away. Intense devotion to spreading the word of Christ? You betcha buddy! When Stephen gets stoned, and yet he prays for God to forgive the people...that's Jesus. And how Stephen "falls asleep". There's more to this than him just falling asleep. It's showing that God granted him the peaceful rest apart from the evil that surrounded him. Isn't this what we all want? Apparently...it's possible by not only demonstrating but BEING MOVED by Jesus' guidance. Forgiveness: this is the hardest thing for me. That and jealousy. I could go on about my jealousy problems. The worst part is that I bottle it up for so long and then it explodes. But jealousy shouldn't be in me in the first place. If anyone knows any bible verses based on this, please let me know!!

Gotta run to God for this.

HOPE EVERYONES HAVING A GOOD WEEK!

Childhood Memories

Opening that old chest from the early nineteen hundreds that sits in my living room, I noticed how much of the stuff in there I didn't remember. In the chest are several pieces of art work and writing that Kelsey and I had done in elementary school. Wow! I was one heck of a weird kid but I thought it was hilarious. So...apparently I was a MUCH better artist then compared to now! hahaha here are some of the things I found.

I believe this was from first grade. Obviously an enviromentalist from the start, I wrote "Do not throw trash on the road."

Fourth grade I think. YEAH THATS RIGHT TIGERS ARE AWESOME!

Fifth grade. Not sure what we were supposed be going for...but I had a spongebob building!

Tacky peace sign!!! This was meant to be a dream catcher...HAHAHA

I loved clay and all that jazz. Bear in a swimming pool.

CHECK THIS RADICAL ELEPHANT OUT!!! YEAH!!!! Look at the detail in the nostrils hahahahaha

But it wasn't only art work I discovered, it was writing too. Thought I'd like to share some of the stuff I wrote.

First off: "My Halloween Poem" (Hopefully Ms. Deep will see this, on account of she was my teacher at the time!)

I'm a black cat.

My favorite meal is stewed rat.

The name I have is cosmic creepers.

By this time you can see,

I give people the jeepers.

Hey, you wanna come over to my house?

In the fridge I have a dead mouse.

Now go ahead, eat up.

This is surely a feast.

And here have my great spider cup.

Oh, and on it it has a letter from my friend the beast.

It says "Hello black cat, I'm coming right over now.

While I'm at it I might take a chance to chow."

Oh please don't go away.

I was having a party,

for it's almost Halloween Day.

BAHAHAHAHAHA Kelsey and I died from laughter after reading that. Hmm...can't quite figure it out. Next up is a paper I wrote in third or fourth grade about my wish:

My greatest wish is to be a famous musician. Why? Because I love music! Every night I would get out all the keyboards and my guitar, turn on my TV to channel 59 (which is GAC) and start playing along with the music videos! Some people like rap, but that isn't the kind of music I want to be with. I like country because it has to do with a lot of different instruments. That's a reason why I like Dixie Chicks! No one knows how much I love music! Seriously!! When I was a little kid my dad used to put on some music like KC and the Sunshine band. I would shake my booty to the beat! True! Now let's get back to my greatest wish. I've always wondered when did music start? Why was the first instrument built? There will always be a wonder in the world about music.

Ok so the reason I put this up is because when I looked through all my papers, the majority had to do with music. And...I felt more aware of my true dream. To be a musician. Here's another poem I wrote:

I am energetic, willing, and thoughtful

I wonder what will make me happiest in life

I hear chad smith's drum fill on "give it away"

I see a concert arena with screaming fans

I want to one day be a professional drum set or tenor player

I am energetic, willing, and thoughtful

I pretend that I am dumb

I believe in God

I touch my drumsticks

I feel there is too much hate in the world

I worry that my parents will be ashamed with me when I grow up

I cry only when something band happens or if I am happy

I am energetic, willing, and thoughtful

I understand that not everyone is the same and most things are unfair

I say that this poem is confusing

I dream of performing around the world

I hope I will one day identify my true self

I am energetic, willing, and thoughtful.

Reading this, the insecurities of a preteen flashed back into my mind. And I see how far I've come. What surprised me was how I mentioned God. For what seemed like such a long time, I couldn't sense his presence. But I'm thankful the connection between the Lord and I has grown tremendously over the past year or so.

A funny one I found was this. Titled "My Funniest Moment":

"Here it comes!" said my mom. We were at King's Dominion for the weekend. At that time we were riding the log ride. The big hill was just around the corner waiting for people to get soaked. Also at the same time I wished the bathroom was around the corner waiting for me. One or three seconds left till the big splash. 2....1..."VROOM!" went the ride. Now I really had to go to the bathroom! By any chance, the hill was so steep that I couldn't wait any longer. Yes, you guessed it, and boy how soaken wet I was! At least I didn't have to wait anymore. Now that ride is my favorite ride, not because of that though. Just make sure you have to go or not becfore you ride a rollercoaster. Now that's my funniest moment.

It's a mystery to me as to why I would want to share this with the teacher (who was Kelley Deep at the time :D), or my classmates for that matter. Guess I just wanted attention! I loved making people laugh.

Among other poems from later elementary school, there was also my first personal poetry journal from first grade.

When will this all stop?

When will my dog's fat stomach pop?

When will a shock come into my head?

But the most question needs to be asked is

when am I gonna be dead?

Depressing! But when I wrote it I was just trying to rhyme.

I know about dogs

and they like to eat logs

some are as little as a frog

and some are as big as a hog

their favorite food is a hot dog

HAHAHAHAHAH. Gotta love it. Here's one called weddings.

Weddings are the settings of love,

people with emotional feelings fly like a dove.

the whole thing is an act, and I love that number one fact,

that this is a permanent show,

and you can never go back.

The wedding was a setting of love,

and I, ofcourse, flew like a dove.

Alrightyyyy I made marraige sound like a death trap!!! The last one in the book is called "God"

God made us, our head to our toe

But that, I think, you already know.

Bibles are based on stories that are tru,

and they tell you what to do.

Some people have other gods, like buddha

the religion gets to choose ya!

All of them I hear are great,

so what's yours mate?

I believe in God

I think he made me head to toe

now that's what I know.

Growing up in elementary school I was made fun of alot. One reason I happened to have excelled in reading ahead of a lot of kids in second grade was because I read the bible often because it made me feel good. Like it does now! But....it's just weird....to think I broke apart from that. That I didn't realize at the time the power of Christ. And how for a while I forgot it all. I'm glad He let me find comfort in the gospel at that age!

This was a mini report card from pre-school. FUNNY!!!

It's true, I was an aggressive kid. Always wanting to fight and beat up the boys. Which I did.

One last thing. I found the bible I would flip through and stare at when I teeny-weeny. Whenever I'd get sad, I recall flipping to this page in the back. It gave me inner peace, the image of Jesus providing strength to those who were scared of the storm around them.

porn

Take a look out the window.

Well, it's raining.

Darn.

But it's Sunday, the best day of the week!

And PCC did a service about pornography.

WHAT!??!? PORN?!?!

Yep. PORN.

Why has our society...actually, why has the WORLD and the people in it changed the way God intended sex to be? How come most of us accept the fact that our relatives and friends have a destructive habit, which leads to unhappiness in their relationships? No satisfaction? I wonder, and I ponder on the lack of attention towards the subject. The problem isn't sex, it's what we have made it out to be. How we have taken the biological process and shaped it into a replica of imagination, and sometimes abuse. No one can undo it. Heck, no one can stop the porn business, it's too successful, it's too popular, it's desired and it's a MONEY MACHINE. As human beings we are given the choice to give in, or stay out.

Yet, we live in this world where it's a normalcy. And at my age, in high school, it's much more common than the use of drugs, alcohol, etc.

A part of me believes that people aren't immediately swayed by porn, that it's a "slow fade". You look at the screen, the pictures in the magazine, the words in an erotic novel, and a shock ignites in your mind, "This is how it's supposed to be?!". And it's pain, it's grief that comes as a consequence. Then eventually, it's numbness. The loss of innocence, or moral value. We no longer see people around us as human beings, but as items of sexual fantasy.

So many of us have been exposed at a young age, later in life, or at a time when your spouse's addiction affects your relationship. I strongly think that the imagination is much more difficult to erase than the actual action of sexual immorality. Because if your imagination is still running, that means your want for it still exists. And how do you approach God with that? How do you approach the Lord with a cry to wipe the slate clean when you cannot come to terms with your sin? We can ask for a direction to where we can break ourselves in order for us to see Jesus' true path for us, and see people as He wants us to. The most amazing, amazing, and amazing thing that the Lord offers us is a chance to gain purity again.....

Just now I stopped typing and closed my eyes and felt like Jesus was saying to me, "I promise you this opportunity to become new in my light."

I'm praying for all who are struggling with an addiction to porn. God's promise for us to be new again is what I praise Him for right now, in this moment. It's a personal topic, it runs deep within the darkest pit of depression within us, but we can always, ALWAYS be sure that Jesus knows what's going on. He knows the way out, and He has so much confidence that we can break free if we choose His guidance, rather than that of our addiction's allurement.

Nightmares

In spanish class today we watched this REALLY INTERESTING IT PUT ME TO SLEEP video on South American countries and the animals there. Well, it turns out that one animal they happened to focus on was the anaconda. Now, for those who remember 1997, that beautiful and wonderful year, you might recall the film Anaconda with Ice Cube, Jennifer Lopez, and some other terrific celebrities. I remember quite clearly my father making my sister, mom, and I watch that movie when it came out on VHS. The image of the evil anaconda swallowing J-Lo whole still remains in my memory (if I'm not mistaken). That was my first scary movie experience. Now, though, I see clips of it and see how stupid it is. However, it caused a chain of nightmares for about two years, the same dream over and over.

This dream that was a result of watching Anaconda consisted of my family walking through a desert, all of us frightened about the snake that could appear if you touched this big red button on a yellow notepad. Suddenly, there was a transition of location, and we were all at my house. I was looking down at my feet, pale against the dark green carpet at my old house, and entering the kitchen sensing worry. My uncle and dad were sitting at the table, talking. They showed me the notepad, and for some dumb reason I hit the red button. Their faces looked alert and astonished at my action, and they told me to hide under the table with them. Next thing I know, the anaconda appeared, and I saw my uncle and dad being choked and his face going purple, ending with eyes closing and bodies going limp.

The anaconda disappeared. Quickly I ran through the hallway into my room, where toys were lying around in random, messy order, covering the floor like fallen confetti. It was nighttime so my room was dark with only an amount of lighting equivalent to that of a burning candle. Out of fear, I picked up this keyboard I used to always play on, and just sang and sang and sang so I wouldn't think about what had just happened. But I heard the anaconda slither on the carpet, and his bright skin come into my view. His body was incredibly long, at the time it felt like his length was never ending. The anaconda did not come alone. With their necks wrapped in the tight clench of the snake's thick body was my whole family dead. Tongues sticking out sloppily and backs and legs being dragged slowly. I dropped my keyboard, and then it was me who was gasping for air and could feel my eyeballs almost popping out because the anaconda kept pulling tighter, and tighter, and tighter............

And it ended.

I was six when I had that dream. It seems so weird for such a young kid to dream something that graphic...but that nightmare would play over and over again when I slept. In that same order. That's why I haven't forgotten. My mom told me to pray about it, and ask that I have no more bad dreams. Well, it worked after a couple of weeks. Therefore, it has been many years since I've had countless nightmares in a short time span. Recently, though, I've had too many!

The first dream was about a month ago, and in it someone tried to shoot my best friend. With a black gun and a dark mask over his face, the man shot his gun at Sarah. I ran infront of it and dodged it for her. It scared me so bad I woke up.

Then another, which was by far the worst worst worst worst dream I have EVER had! But, I'd rather not post it on the internet. Don't try to use your imagination and guess, it's not worth your time.

There have been several other ones, but most of them are random. Not funny random either, just...weird and confusing. Like- how did my mind make that up?

Maybe all of these dreams associate with my fears.

GOD is pretty cool.

HMMM....let's see here!

First off: feeling called lately by the Lord to play drums. When I brought home the Core values of PCC sheet that Beth Brawley gave to me, my mom started crying. Out of happiness ofcourse, but I could tell she's proud that I'm involved in something positive that will add to my commitment to Christ, and through what I love most- music. Wow, it really blew me away thinking about it as I fell asleep, realizing how far I have come. From practically atheist beliefs to having passion for discovering God. There used to be bags under my eyes from smoking and drinking and drugs or whatever...and now if I ever have those bags under them, it's usually from getting up early to get ready for church, or having spent a whole night with my best friend watching worship videos and crying because we come to a realization that God has saved us. My heart is so thankful for the friends He's given me, I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for their encouragement. My life now is complete opposite from what it used to be. I can say that with absolute certainty and no exxageration. And I'm proud, I'm amazed. What I'm able to declare with truth is, hey, if I was able to feel the Holy Spirit move in me during a time of tremendous doubt in God's existence, then He MUST be real. You can't deny that crazy, totally awesome, and sometimes ethereal experience of God speaking to you, in which ever form or worship that produces the greatest connection.

But going back to my mom, she even told me that she had been praying a lot more lately and that it's helping her at work, which was a gift from God, since I've been praying to Him to encourage my parents to seek His face in order to deal with their everyday stress, just as I've been working on. And, so, I see in my mom this kind of hope that she will become more interested in coming to...PCC!!! Yes, that would be great. I've been asking her for a while to come to a service with me, but since she is emotional, she feels like it'd be uncomfortable. Although, haha, let's face it, PCC is the most accepting church around when it comes to being moved by Him!! Ahh....the unity we find in Christ is great isn't it?! No, really, IT IS!

And so last night at the band practice I was able to hop on the kit and play a song. I'm not going to lie, I was little nervous since none of them had ever really seen me play before. But it felt like joy beyond comprehension. And the fact that this year my mom has been disappointed with my grades (failing chem!), but I can make her proud of me by worshipping Jesus Christ through music, I can't doubt that it's a calling. It's a sign of something I'm not sure of yet. Then again, what's the fun in knowing all the future holds? That's the excitement in trusting Christ with what we don't know will happen in the future, because everything will work out.

Prayer request: Please pray for my cousin as she prepares for a trial next month. And for the people who are either suffering or not being able to go anywhere because of swine flu.

Blabbing about a balloon...and life

How do you take in the world with realistic eyes, but holding onto that child-like awe that keeps the mind and heart amazed by simple sights?

For instance, releasing a balloon and watching it fly up...up...UP into the clouds, its color becoming more and more intense in the sun's spotlight. As a child, you stare with squinted lids until the balloon has finally gone out of sight. At first, its common to become very upset to lose something that caught your attention, being so light and free but its presence obvious and known to a young soul. Yet now, almost reaching the age of legal "adulthood", would I, myself, glue my attention to this balloon...or would I punch my senses to look at something else out of plain boredom?

Walking out of a Ukrop's parking lot when I was little, my mother used to encourage me to keep a firm grip on the ribbon attached to the twisted end of whatever flashing or character-printed birthday balloon she had just purchased. For one reason or another, I always found it to be the most exciting part of celebrating another year of existence. As long as I held onto it, how could the inflated figure literally leave me? The texture of the ribbon as a kid comes back to me now, how the rigid lines on its surface were supposed to aide your determination to simply hold on, even on the most windy of days. But, in reality, why DO they use ribbon? It's not the most trustworthy material!

But behind all this blabbering is a truth- we lose our fascination with the world as we grow. There are some things that I want to hold onto. Like how a field's thousand of grass blades become unified as a breeze tilts and pushes them in a new direction. How bright and vibrant a city street sounds during the day with dozens of people all having someplace to go, and if not, something to do. How music can illustrate visions inside your noggin, and pop goosebumps through your skin. And all this wonder and question? Well, I never want answers as to why these beautiful things happen, but I already know that many curiosities in our lives are the reasons why we are thankful for living.

Spring Break 09

The holy school bell rang at 2:55 last Friday, and within my chest my heart started propelling like a boat motor, ready to head out into the open ocean of Spring Break's freedom. No more long hours in a class room, gazing at the pale whiteboard while all the letters become fuzzy as I zone off through thoughts of "Hm...I wonder if there's any peanut butter left in the pantry...or pancakes in the freezer...", or, "Just fifty-five minutes until class is out...". My butt levitated out of that cold, dark, and hard seat that lingers behind the plastic chemistry class desk once the bell rang with shouting liberation. These eyes that were slowly drooping down and flicking back up (due to boring lectures) sprang to life, searching for the door so my legs and feet could flee from the dreaded classroom environment!

And from there, I went to the beach with my sister and friend Jessie. No matter what's occurring in your life, the beach breeze drizzles over your worries. It really is paradise, laying down on warm sand grains that eventually dominate everything, crawling into the most unknown portions of your clothing and items, such as your t-shirt stitching or the Velcro on your lunch box. At Kill Devil Hills, NC, there appeared to be an atmosphere that if you're not having fun...then you really aren't in the OBX. Which I found to be true, because I don't think there's been any other beach trip of mine where there wasn't a single dispute between the people in your cottage, or where I could ride bikes and not have the danger of being run over by a rushing tourist. Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was the people, maybe it was our connection with God...

My friend, Jessie, lived across the street from me when I lived in Chesterfield. I've known her since she was born! Ever since then, our families have kept in contact and remained close. She's been very supportive of my recent acceptance of Christ, and all this time I didn't see it, but she has felt called by the Lord to do international mission work as an adult. One day on the beach trip, we took a long walk and discussed our views on self-love, and how all these years we've had a great lack of it. Oddly enough, our lives parallel in one case involving relationships, and the minor abuses, that have shaped our perception on how to act in a relationship. For both of us, it wasn't until our eagerness to seek Jesus that we found just how valuable we are in God's eyes. Jessie and I have separate situations, but at the same time we are discovering that Jesus' death on the cross...that is ultimate love. His love is worth more than any guy could give us, and we don't have to act a certain way in order to receive that attention, because God sees us as gorgeous and worth every minute. Because of the talk with Jessie, I feel more secure about the past, and aware of how God grants us the present time to walk forward, dig up those abuses' effects, and color the recovery as our strengths rather than our weaknesses.

As weeks have passed by, my amount of medication has bumped up. Finally, I've found the right medication. I'm so thankful I don't have to experience waiting to see what a new pill does to my mind, and making the decision as to switch to a new one or not. One thing my mother told me the other day when I came home from school depressed, was that I shouldn't see the days where I suffer as a fallback erasing my progress, but rather that those moments are a pause in progress, and the effort is not erased whatsoever. That really comforted me, seriously.

On Monday I got my prom dress. Three years ago I wouldn't even imagine me in a dress, let alone attending a school dance! All because of my lack of confidence. But thankfully God has granted me great, loving friends who encourage me to show my beauty. Yes, the nerves are are still tingling in my stomach thinking about arriving to the high school on prom night, but my reason for going is to have a fun time with my friends, not to impress anyone!

My grandfather is about to retire from his teaching job at Virginia State University. I love him so much, and he inspires me with each conversation about literature and films. If it wasn't for his influence, I probably wouldn't look into the art of writing or the creativity of film making, especially screenplays. So yesterday, he decided to take my sister and I up to his office to get any books we wanted (wow I'm such a dork)!!!!! On his bookshelves I plucked two boxes worth of books, including Ken Kesey, Robert Frost, James Joyce, Tennessee Williams, Adrienne Rich, Toni Morrison, Richard Wright, John Steinbeck, etc. etc. Kelsey looked pretty bored since she doesn't like to read, but she did grab a copy of The Garden of Good and Evil. AND THE BEST THING I'LL BE GETTING is his original movie poster of Rebel Without a Cause. (James Dean= HOT!)

More importantly, I am SOOOO0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o thrilled to MAYBE play drums for PCC. AHH!! I can't wait to worship God through music!!!!!! And the Knoxville mission trip this summer...wow...it's so close! Lately I've been focusing way too much on myself, it's time for me to provide something for other people. Honestly! Another idea that I'd like to persue is to adopt a rescue dog. Those animals need a family that can care for and love them!

The new theatre in Midlo is awesome, by the way. I'm sure everyone has been, but I LOVE IT! Sarah, Kelsey, and I went to see a few movies and it was worth the DOLLAR! Twas brilliant.

More and more I'm getting to know my cousin, Sarah. Last night we watched Reality Bites, which is so great because it captures the 90's culture perfectly. Even though she's 30 years old, I feel like the age doesn't matter when it comes to relating on certain things. She's shown me that. And every night when she comes over, before I fall asleep, I thank God that He's given me all these wonderful people that can pour their hearts into me, and mine into theirs. In God, we must belong to a stronger, more invincible love, right?