To Rocko's Modern Life

Oh, Rocko, how you drew a smile on my childish face!

Your cross-eyed stare, your humorous voice

And Heffer,

the stupidity in animation made me glance past

your rather circular shape

and i always wanted

those red suspenders

Nickelodeon betrayed thousands of kids

just like me

who would spurt milk out of their nose at dinner time

while watching Rocko's Modern Life,

the cartoon of tilted houses and gnarly spurts of pastel colors.

Nickelodeon,

you took away Rocko and Heffer.

No more colorful prime time.

My childhood remains within the sketches,

the VHS tapes,

resting in peace within backroom vaults.

The Comfort In My Struggle

Day 1 of A Call to Die was great! I LOVE THIS BOOK!!! My fingers wanted to turn the pages with such eager rapidness! Jesus, He is beyond awesome for sacrificing Himself for everyone. The concept is huge, and cannot be grasped to its full extent by us until we reach His kingdom of heaven. At my small group (JAM), we indulged ourselves into an interesting conversation about worshiping. Its differences of capability on earth and in Heaven are obvious- once we are granted the great gift of eternal life we are promised (as we follow Him), placed before Him on that mighty throne, we will take enormous joy in praising Him constantly. We all thought at one point- sheesh, wouldn't that get a little tiring? Bowing down and saying, "Lord almighty" repeating FOREVER?! Dawning upon us instantly, and us as pretty passionate young Christians, we agreed that it would be an HONOR to have to the PRIVILEGE of praising God for all time. He deserves a bit of recognition afterall!

The comfort to know that once we lose someone on this earth, and that we never lose them in our heart and spirit because they are in heaven, prepares me for upcoming deaths. My great grandmother has dementia and is close to passing away. She has been an inspiring grandmother to my father, and her occupation as an artist has kept me appreciative of expression. Her current residence is a nursing home in Amelia County, and my family members visit her often. Before that transition she lived in her house of who knows how many years in South Carolina. It was a small brown house with a decent sized garden. As she got older she payed someone to take care of that garden. Her yard is my most fond memory of her house. Kelsey and I used to run around on the cobble stones between my great-grandma's plants. The last time we stayed there it was raining, and (oh no here comes the deep stuff) I loved how precipitously driven rain drops rested on the violets' petals. hahah

Why am I sharing this? Well, I've had to accept death before in my family, and I know it will be coming soon. I pray for my Dad, since I know it will be hardest on him along with my aunts. My great-grandma lost her husband before I was born, and it's been hard on her ever since. He was a paratrooper in World War II! How cool! Whenever we visit her she often mentions Otis (that's his name). This makes me think of how I will lose people in my life, but will be aware that God's gift of eternal life makes it possible that they still live within us, and eventually our spirits reunite in heaven!! AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME! I know that she will be so happy when she finally gets to be with my great-grandpa again!

And one other thing.

I was challenged today. Challenged by my anxiety, by the effects of my medicine. To protect myself I am going to keep some information private about what exactly happened to me today. Before going to sleep last night I prayed to God that I know challenge is near, that conflict is on the horizon. Well, it came. Though a change in detail emerged! I prayed before trouble, while in trouble, and after trouble. A Call to Die said to memorize John 3:16. When I felt the rushing waves of anxiousness crash on me, I repeated the verse. My friends' tremendous care was given to me today, and I thank God for that, for not letting me be alone. I love these people who have continued to show me what love really is.

What I continue to pray is this:

Jesus, let the light of your presence shine on areas of my life that need to die, and let the fire of your Spirit burn those things away each day. Let my life be so consumed with your love and strength that I become a lighthouse for others, but Lord, only you can accomplish that in me. Have your way, Lord Jesus. Have your way. Amen.

Something New the Lord Has Brought Me

Starting today I am beginning to read a book Sarah let me borrow called A Call To Die. I'm very pumped about following this journey it's provided for others, and to most importantly become closer to God in ways that I haven't experienced!! The book instructs to fast something over a forty day period that usually takes up a portion of your daily life. I've decided to fast all Internet except for blogging (because this is how I express myself these days, and need it). The other thing I've decided to fast is texting, but not completely. To tell you the truth I haven't really decided exactly how much of it I am going to give up. I think that it'd be best if I allow myself to only text during a certain time of the day? Only after nine? I don't know, but basically I am LIMITING the amount of texting I do.

It's not only fasting objects or activities that this forty day segment asks of me, it's also attitude adjustment. To be honest, this will probably be a more arduous task. Being a teenager I have my natural selfishness, and letting go of that will help me grow as not only a human but a Christ follower.

The book mentions being more encouraging than sarcastic, which I find neat. Everyone has been on the side of receiving a slightly ignorant remark about their situation, and it does cause some hurt. That tiny verbal slash that makes you feel ignored or not put into sincere consideration. Just a few seconds ago I started thinking, "How would I feel if God gave me a sarcastic response to my prayers or requests? My thanks?". Is it not a job as a Christian to follow Jesus' footsteps which spread the love and sincerity of God? This can be so difficult as humans, since we are easily drawn to sin, hate, lust, self-centerdness. All of these things keep us from seeing people as our brothers and sisters in the name of God, the creator of us all. Not to mention- seeing God in general!!! The times I push these humanistic behaviors aside are the moments I rejoice the most about God's given willingness. At first it feels like being a child, where you want to avoid discipline, and since self discipline is the most difficult of all types, the path to appreciating following God's words and obedience is not always the most fun. It's when we separate what we consider "important" to what's genuinely important to God that we are blown away by His direction. I believe life is full of these trials that He brings into our lives, and He'd never place us in any maze that we wouldn't have the capability to escape. The key to being free is through God!

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law." (Galatians 5:16-18)

"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control..." (Galatians 5:22-23)

What do I pray that I gain graciously through my walk with God? All of the above in my life!! Right now, though, I seek self-control, patience, and peace most.

My only thing is, I'm a bit perplexed as to what I should read in the bible. Recently I've been reading Daniel and John, and bits of Mark. But I'll pray for God to provide me guidance and lead me to scripture that will affect me.

This will be challenging, but then again it will make me stronger!! Every passing day of this experience I will recite the words of Britney Spears.

"I'm stronger than yesterday

Now it's nothing but God's way"

Ok so I changed the lyrics a LOT but hey you get the jist. Wow, whoever thought Britney Spears really preaches about self growth and gaining will or maturity through the merciful Lord??

God, You are so great.

Go Ahead, Call the PO-PO!!!

THE GREATEST thing happened today!


I thoroughly enjoy car rides with multiple friends, consisting of dancing in a retarded fashion. What an art! What a joy! Life brought about one of these today after school. Sarah was the driver of her fabulous SACHL, while Shannon, Mike, Anna, and I were the passengers of transportive destiny towards the mystical and zesty El Cerro Azul. Music of the gods amplified from the speakers of righteousness (this music would happen to be 3oh!3, the most dance inspired music of today). 60 looked gorgeous and uplifting as we strolled down in pure delight, jerking our bodies caused by our brains' chemical reaction to blaring and animated soundwaves.

Then it stopped. A woman in the lane beside us, driving a red saburban with kid in passenger seat (eating TWIZZLERS!!! what a lucky son of a gun), glared at my friends and i with possessed demonic pupils. To share our love of dance and music, we looked at her, just trying to share the common love of having a good time. Instead, the woman took great offense to our fun that she rolled down her window, cell phone in hand, and yelled, "I AM REPORTING YOU TO THE POLICE!!"

???????

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Some people have a low toleration towards public display of physical dance and happiness.

It's a car full of teenagers! What did she expect?

....It's always an adventure.

The Face of an Angel

Marissa Delano has the most amazing amazing amazing amazing face!!!! I LOVE HER! She's so totally rad because she reads some sweet vintage literature! And have you seen her style?! Incredible. Marissa is my math bud, we fail that class together in boredom yet happiness! If she wasn't in that class with me I would die of confusion.

The Waiting Room

Today was bloody weird. And by bloody weird I don't mean to sound British. I've literally had three nose bleeds today!! Probably because of the dry weather outside. Alas, the air is warm and comfortable today. However, where I was a few hours ago was the exact the opposite.



Ever heard of the psychiatrist? Yep, that's where I went. Let me just say that there are some quite interesting people there. The reason I have to go is to get a prescription for medicine. My problem is much smaller compared to many of the other patients. The waiting room was a strange moment.


That room was filled with so many patients, it made me feel nervous. What was creepy was that even though there were an abundance of people in there, it appeared to be more silent than having two humans whispering. Some of those people waiting looked depressed and lonely. Others looked at the wall for hours with wide eyes. Me? Well...I observed these fellow attendees. So I probably looked a bit psychotic myself! The biggest complaint I have about the waiting room was how it stuck true to its title. I WAITED for one and a half hours to see my psychiatrist, and fell asleep in the process after reading an obnoxious fashion article on Uma Therman. There was obvious tension in that room. Embarrassment. Especially whenever some one's psychiatrist would call their name out loud to come to the back. When I heard the words, "Jennifer Hall" I shot out of my chair in excitement to simply get out of that environment!! My name never sounded so good!


But as others' names were called, they would immediately look down and get up or keep their eyes focused on their doctor. It was almost like their identity was being revealed and their presence in that office published to the world.

What moved me was when I saw a soldier in there. Gosh, I can only imagine what he might be going through...you could tell that he was struggling with something because he would smile nervously at everyone. A little boy in there saw him and pointed going, "WOW!!!". The commitment our armed forces have to our country right now is just incredible. To fight for a war that I personally disagree with. This, however, is a different discussion. There was another man who was dressed up as a cowboy...I don't really know what to think of that. And I don't mean to sound rude. I literally have no reaction to it.

I've been thinking for the past few hours how it was a little hard to stay in that room for over an hour, because the longer I was in there the more I observed and thought about people. I tend to think about and automatically care for them in some way. Therefore I did what I always do when I feel for others, I prayed.


Beside me, my mom was reading The Shack (that Beth Brawley kindly let me borrow). Mom is a pretty fast reader. She started it this morning and is almost done! As she was reading it, a lady in the waiting room said to her, "That is an amazing book, I couldn't put it down." Now I found this interesting, because this lady seemed to be the most quiet out of all of them.

Gosh...looking around that room I really did feel bad for the ones who are going through difficult mental illnesses that are out of their control. Anything from ADHD to depression to turrets to even what I have, anxiety. I closed my eyes and prayed that He helps these people. I can't deny that it was awkward being in that waiting room, but it was also a miniature miniature miniature test of not thinking these people are all around insane in every aspect. More importantly to not JUDGE!!! Judging is something I've also been working on. I've been breathing by this bit of well known scripture:

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged....Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:1, 7:3)


It would be wrong for me to make fun of the patients there, for I am one of them. And even if I wasn't, wouldn't that be incredibly mean?


The outcome of the appointment resulted in a transition in medicine. This angers me. Why can't I control what's going on by my own terms? I have to learn to let go of wanting control! The fear of changing medication every three weeks, having to adjust physically and emotionally to a new drug for eight months scares me. Because of my anxiety I can be at the lowest of lows self confidence-wise. Thinking to myself, maybe my problem is not important enough to really focus on healing, and unfortunately I used to think that I shouldn't possibly pray as much about it to God, that this is too small. I've changed my view on that. With these words:

"Look at the lillies of the field...Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you...Seek the Kingdom of God above and all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need" (Matthew 6:28-30, 33)

Have you ever seen a bumper sticker on someone's car that sticks in your memory? When I left the office, I had this frustration built up. That office was made me feel like a scientific study. There was no personal care from the way the psychiatrist asked me some quite personal questions in front of my mom. How uncomfortable! The attention to me as a subject about to undergo a series of drug trials rather than a PERSON experiencing a problem that bothers me daily disturbed me. I felt somewhat unwanted or not put in regard. On the car ride to my therapist we stopped at a stop light and stuck to the car in front of me was a bumper sticker that said:

THERE IS HOPE, JESUS CARES ABOUT YOU

Oh, how I will continue to praise Him through this! It can be so difficult, but I must remain determined.

I will overcome

I'm tired. Happily tired. This weekend was a painting (or atleast that's how my friend would Mike put it), where I was confronted by several emotions and various actions or words.

Friday was the first show I've been to since October when I saw Okkervil River, and it was much different from my past concert experiences. I went with Mike and Sarah, which I loved because they are two very special people in my life! Since I can be an idiot I was freezing half of the time because the only near to warm thing hanging on my body was my American Apparel thin hoodie! Yeah...standing in twenty degree weather for thirty five minutes in line is not a hobby of mine, but it eventually started to feel warm. Maybe this is a bad thing.

I forgot to mention that the band we went to see was Citizen Cope! What a man! My favorite activity to participate in at shows is dancing, for several reasons. 1.) There's no way you look the most ridiculous in the crowd...take a look around. 2.) The music just makes you move mannn 3.) WHY NOT LET THE POWER OF MUSIC OPERATE YOUR LIMBS?! Citizen Cope was BY FAR dance music material. Mike and Sarah laughed at me because apparently I looked high. Well...I kinda was, unfortunately by association.

You see, this show had many audience members that the "general" public would label as "hippies". It's no secret. So obviously with that in mind there was pot at this show. The girls smoking it were actually behind me. Ever since I quit I've feared being near it. I feel that if I surround myself with it that in time I would pick it up again. The fact that it didn't bother me at the show was NOT a sign of weakness or vulnerability towards drugs for me, but a justification that the sensation of being slightly high did not want me to go any further. Only because I admittedly and regrettably enjoyed it. Let me restate that. My physical self enjoyed it. And with that personal decision to not do it again or morally ENJOY the feeling, I felt stronger than the drug. When I smelled it I prayed. For protection. Sarah told me not to do it. I wasn't going to anyways, but I'm thankful I had her there, to have that care shown. Really, though, I didn't think that her command was authoritative. Her command was out of friendship. Gosh that feels so great to say!!

What's totally rad is the fact that the whole night I felt God. I felt Him in my heart the whole time. I had a premonition earlier that day that I was going to be faced with the challenges of being in the presence of drugs, the things that scarred me. The last show before Citizen Cope, I had still been smoking. Things were different then. It's crazy to take a minute right now..........ok done with the minute, to see how much God has changed my life!!! He's given me STRENGTH. I can feel it. I did feel it.

At the same time, I'm still challenging the aftermath of my exposure to marijuana the other night. Since I had an addiction to being either high or under some influence, that small dosage I received at the show has been making my brain want it to the full extent. This feeling that is even in my head right now reminds me a lot of how my body felt when I wanted to take drugs or drink more often. Addiction has been a dark portion of my life. As I've mentioned before, it has not only been to drugs but to other horrible things. This is a challenge, and I WILL overcome it! At this moment I have this mental vision of what this problem is to me. To close this up, this is my poem, and my cry against addiction.

The longing is there again,
Sticky like glue
(trickling and stopping, running then clumping).

Its RED eyes are stabbing my definition of ventilation,
...everywhere glaring at my new happiness.
wanting to steal my ability to feel more than numbness
wanting to possess my heart in tune with this mind

Yes those struggles push me onto splintery sin
but God saves, lifting me up again
to look down from above at what deceived me as a means of escape.

With Lord's grace all that remains from that monstrous maze
Are a few physical scrapes I might never drain or erase,
rrrrip off, rid of.
But I feel the highest love
From His heart which frees me of misery,
and weak, temporary evil tries to see my heart suffer
(Cruelty shall never win
For Jesus' power mends)

Addiction
You offer nothing better than what my God offers
Addiction
You will be conquered