YesNoMaybeSo

mooooooooon talk

2010-08-21T00:21:00.000-07:00

foggy moon mirror,
hiding behind arms and hands of green
you stayed silent,
....

and whole.

The smoke is lacing fingers with the trees,
the gravel is printing faces on my knees
and the reflection up there is
clear

Still

2010-05-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

My mind is blank.

Not in a negative sense, but in the sense of simply existing. I am aware.

Last night it appeared to me that I have a hard time enjoying and soaking in silence. Because I have lived in the Western society where silence is "empty" and where stillness is "nonproductive".

Silence provides the unity of stillness.

It is a necessity in regards to the spirit.

To live life just to fulfill a goal is accelerating the circle of impatience and disappointment. To be Here NOW is essential.

Don't fear the moments of nothing. Without nothing there would never be something.

haiku

2010-03-31T18:28:00.000-07:00

Wasabi cupcakes
Are the worst dessert ever.
Drink all your water.

India: Child Labor

2010-03-30T15:57:00.001-07:00

In my government class we were assigned to present a project on a world issue. Jasmine and I chose child labor in India. Since last year I've been pretty interested in the conflict of Indian poverty and what that has resulted in. I feel that India has a beautiful history and culture, going back to Ghandi's salt march, a which influenced peaceful protest for other leaders including America's Martin Luther King Jr.

It has moved me since starting this project, with browsing the photos. What's sad is that I sense that other students feel they have to find the most shocking photographs in order to get a better grade, but its really all about the ability to relate and find the human heart beneath any of the assigned topics; such as AIDS, female mutilation, even endangered species and enviromental concerns.

But just look at these.

When I saw this, it reminded me of how it felt to be a little kid, getting suddenly lost in the grocery store and not being able to find your mom. It's that sudden fearful jolt of being alone. And some of the kids working in the factories rarely see "home", their residence is usually the factory itself, spending the night in hazardous conditions such as mines because the new shift starts in just a few hours.

In the manufacturing business, children are not provided with protection from chemicals, nor given simple equitment such as gloves and goggles to protect their developing eyes from the shards. This child is welding, and according to our research, it is most likely he will be blind by the time is 15 to 19 years old. Can you imagine not being able to see anymore after your teenage life? Can you imagine your skin being eroded and scarred from the intense heat and dangerous chemical exposure??

And because of the work hours, usually 8 hours with a small break for a meal, if there is even one provided, the children recieve no education. They aren't able to just be kids, they aren't able to live out the joy that the majority of Americans experience as a young kid. That innocence and simple happiness is distorted for them.

According to Indian government sources, there are currently 20 million child laborers in the country, but according to outside sources, there is an estimated 50 million.

I'm hoping that I can help with this situation in some way. It's been hurting me deeply, to imagine a childhood without smiles, without laughter, without love.

Back to the Future and oh....senioritis...

2010-03-27T17:20:00.000-07:00

It's saturday night, and I'm here at home alone watching Back to the Future. Great flick. Anyhow, I'm really excited and have been practicing my jazz beats. There has been a lot of tripping and falling on my part in my personal life, all due to me not looking at the traps on the ground. If there's one thing I want right now, it'd be stronger eyes through Christ. My actions lately have not been showing the love for Christ I really do have. And its brought out the worst in me.

The remedy to the problem is always helping others, or trying to show others how much I love them because I know Jesus put that emotion in my heart. Jesus is going to break the chains in my life soon, and He's going to give me opportunities I'd never thought of because of my availability in His name.

This second half of senior year reminds me alot of the late night drive home from a show, and stopping by a 711, totally out of it, all the lights too bright and you almost forget why you came in the first place. Going into school is similar to this sensation. I've always wondered why they decide to put 39082309 lights in one room. It burns my eyes and, literally, has been scientifically proven to cause headaches. All of the teachers voices have melted into one goo of "wah wah wahhhh". I'm drowning in the sea of senioritis.

There's this new thing I've decided to do for my friends. I'm not going to reveal what it is on here, but I know that I've been a selfish person and want to turn that around. Big time. I want to love, I don't want to self glorify.

My dreams have been strange lately. Last week, I dreamt that some friends and I skipped school to go to a strawberry field. As we were walking through this gorgeous valley, Mr. Noechel happened to be there. When he saw us he jumped in shock, "OH! What are you guys doing here?! I'm not here...well...." Which absolutely cracked me up when I awoke. Another one was last night, I dreamt I was riding in this car, this red car, with a person, and all these bizarre things kept occuring. I don't even know how to explain, so I'm not going to attempt!!

2010-03-17T18:29:00.001-07:00

People are not one dimensional. We are multi-dimensional, and with so many different spiritual wires putting our souls together as we are. Along with this comes the inevitable nature of jealousy, anger, and sadness. It's very depressing to feel the worst of someone become the only thing you see. I try so hard to see people as good, but sometimes that can only hurt me worse. Friends I gained over the summer I've either pushed away too far or brought them in too close. The horizon is in my sight, but not exactly shining in my heart just yet. I know there is a foundation for my future in just a few months (school), and I will placed in a position with new people and probably a new life. Powhatan, its so lonely almost.

But everyday I think of certain things I've done over the past months and how its negatively affected some of my friendships. Even breaking one. It sucks. So bad. So bad. Especially when you are given all the blame for a two part occurence. Anyhow, I am going to try focusing on the bigger things rather than the small for now.

Blabbering about English

2010-03-03T14:02:00.000-08:00

Brave New World is by far my favorite experimental/satirical novel, next to Clockwork Orange. The second time I've been reading it has been the best time. The question our class quickly debated on today was the subject of whether or not the characters' absence of individualism means loss of morality, or if their actions of taking excessive amounts of drugs and having excessive amounts of sex is immoral or just a social standard. I believe that it is just a social standard because, like today's culture, it is socially "acceptable" to be permiscuous and use drugs (to an extent), but these actions can sometimes not line up with one's moral standards. There is a possible guilt involved. The characters have no boundaries or limitations, which means no morality in my opinion.

The savage regards to Shakespeare sonnets as "magic", something ethereal and powerful, and in many ways this is true. Language, written language, can cause emotional response, making it an effective piece of art whether or not the reader completely understands the given material. By reading the assigned poems this past week, I have rediscovered that feeling. It makes me feel more whole as an individual, it allows me to be more in tune with my spirit and my feelings. Even the smallest of details, such as in "At Grass" by Larkin, excite me.

At Grass by Philip Larkin
The eye can hardly pick them out
From the cold shade they shelter in,
Till wind distresses tail and main;
Then one crops grass, and moves about
- The other seeming to look on -
And stands anonymous again

Yet fifteen years ago, perhaps
Two dozen distances surficed
To fable them: faint afternoons
Of Cups and Stakes and Handicaps,
Whereby their names were artificed
To inlay faded, classic Junes -

Silks at the start: against the sky
Numbers and parasols: outside,
Squadrons of empty cars, and heat,
And littered grass : then the long cry
Hanging unhushed till it subside
To stop-press columns on the street.

Do memories plague their ears like flies?
They shake their heads. Dusk brims the shadows.
Summer by summer all stole away,
The starting-gates, the crowd and cries -
All but the unmolesting meadows.
Almanacked, their names live; they

Have slipped their names, and stand at ease,
Or gallop for what must be joy,
And not a fieldglass sees them home,
Or curious stop-watch prophesies:
Only the grooms, and the grooms boy,
With bridles in the evening come.

The lines, "Do memories plague their ears like flies? They shake their heads," gives me chills. Poems that present a new way of looking at things, such as the way flies buzz and buzz around the horses' heads, and their head shrugs.

But I'm still trying to figure out what Huxley is trying to say as he killed off the Savage in the end. His feet were described to have dangled and point in all directions as he hung himself.

In regards to how Huxley advised to handle the 20th century, I believe he was saying to remain the individual amongst the masses. Seek the true individual, seek the truth of an individual. And this makes sense, Huxley lived true to his message, because later on he tried to further deepen his perception in Doors of Perception (which he was on a powerful psychotic drug).

But, alas, these thoughts just ran wildly through my head, and I felt the need to write them down. So, these thoughts might be concluded next time, or new ones may arise.

some thoughts

2010-03-01T18:30:00.000-08:00

It's been about a month or two since I've started trying to reform my relationship with Christ. There's this hard shell around my spirit that has yet to crack. I'm afraid of being completely vulnerable because new, thicker walls have been built by my concious. These walls can only be broken by Christ alone, and I have to let them be torn down eventually. I've been praying for that day to come, so I can wake up everyday with that love and comfort that He's granted me; so I can be encouraged to say NO with the wisdom to know the difference, to say YES and be AVAILABLE when He needs me to be His hands and feet. There's no longer this question of whether or not God exists in my life; because He is in the air I inhale and exhale, He puts my soul to rest even when I don't realize it. Now, I want to realize it and feel more thankful for that knoweledge.

People will always let you down. It's in our nature and that's perfectly fine. Because we have a beautiful King in Heaven that is perfectly planning our lives, that planned our lives forever ago and wants to see us prosper spiritually in His image.

GOD is great. No matter what lifestyle, choices, feelings, etc.....GOD is great.

GOD is great!

Virginia Beach HORROR

2010-02-27T20:28:00.000-08:00

Not meaning to hate. But there's something that makes me cringe when I walk to class and see someone wearing the dreaded Virginia Beach tie dye hoodie.

All of us have witnessed one of our doomed loved ones, or maybe our acquaintances, sport this confused/innocent/blotched/downright unfortunate cotton sweatshirt. The colors, meshed all together, with yellow closely resembling the shade of rotten butter; is trifling. We must raise awareness of this sight hazard.

DAVE!

2010-02-27T20:13:00.000-08:00

I have an amazing mother, an amazing mother who called me yesterday saying, "Hey, so you want two Dave Matthews tickets?" while I was at Cattura's with Kelsey. Since the place is pretty quiet and chill, I was trying to encumber all the bold control of my voice and keep it low. So, it's official. This July, I'm going to see Mr. Dave along with my hero, Carter Beauford!!! Yes. The lawn experience shall be a life changing one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skOY7nKH144

List of...

2010-02-25T14:53:00.000-08:00

There are only a few months left of high school. It's hard to believe that the people I spend almost everyday with won't be where I am next year. At VCU! I'm so excited to start college in the fall!!!! To start fresh and learn more about myself...

Last night I went to small group with my sister in the first time in a while. I'm glad I went. We talked about insecurities. It made me realize how negative I am, how happy i could be if i focused more on the good than the bad.

So, what I am thankful for today:
- Noechel being in a good mood for AP and journalism
- Molly excessively wagging her tail when she sees me come out of my car.
- Having dinner with my mom and sister at El Cerro
- Talking to Mrs. Burley afterschool
- Getting a 7 on an ICE
- Going to God for love when I felt the opposite
- The Sun!!!
- Mr. Lewis' smile
- The fireplace that is keeping me warm

And although there is a deep pain present in me, I can still laugh and rejoice in God's name.

2010-02-24T15:05:00.000-08:00

I think I met You
In the wind of the dancing grass

I think I knew You
As the water cleansed the past

Something is swelling
Inside the dryest root

Your love is the first
Your love is the last
Your hands hold eternity
All of it is a vision
breaking through stained glass

Break the walls
the exterior of my sorrow

Sew me back together
Just as you knitted my heart to be

Love
Love
Love
How I need You

Some Jank to Get Off My Chest

2010-02-24T13:24:00.000-08:00

Rainy days get me down. No matter the mood or what's going on, the grey atmosphere and cold wetness is depressing.

I'm waiting for it to be warm, so that my fingers don't feel numb. It feels awesome to go outside and not have to wear a jacket or run to the car because of how cold it is. I love the summer. I love the spring. I love seeing new life sprout from the earth and feeling a sort of freedom being comfortable in the sun.

Now it's up to question whether or not I can go on World Changers this summer. I know that God will make it happen if it's what He wants.

The third nine weeks of school feel pointless. Instead I'd rather get a job to start paying for my tuition and fees, for World Changers, for the Dave Matthews concert, for the 311 show, for...fun stuff. I'll be working so much this summer, that I'm not sure how much "fun" I'll be having. I guess this is the part where I gotta grow up. It'll make good money. I'll be getting off at two or three every afternoon. I'll be in Richmond rather than at a possibly even more boring job in Powhatan.

Today I was thinking, wow, I don't think I'm going to cry when I graduate. I just don't. It seems like the majority of the kids who are really enjoying "being" a senior are the ones who have had the highest high of their life in high school. Well, that's not too many people to count, and I'm certainly not in this category.

Some classes are a foil to my optimism. "Well oh well, since you guys don't give a crap about the rest of your senior year, I'll see you at a bar, homeless"- my physics teacher has quoted to us TWICE this week. Or, let's take for example, another teacher of mine who has random mood swings and decides which days to be mean and others to not. I'm so lucky to have him for three hours straight every other day! Especially when you are the target of ridicule! I can't get enough of it!

The other part that really annoys me would be how some teachers assume I'm either stupid or a trouble maker. Sometimes I literally will act retarded in order to piss them off, because their either over enthusiasm or franticness bugs me. CUT LOOSE!

I remember in tenth grade I was so offended because my english teacher accused me of cheating on an in class essay, saying that I "copied other online sources and essays". Well, darn, lady...I know I'm not kissing your butt every class like some other individuals, sorry I'm not what you expected- smart.

Because I came out a long time ago, I've learned to deal with homophobia. But since becoming a Christ follower, it has been difficult, especially in an area where that discrimination or disapproval is accepted. I know that my brothers and sisters love me very dearly, just as I love them. But, come on. Don't regard to people who are homosexual as more sinful people than others, don't regard to people who are gay or lesbian as someone who doesn't deserve Christ's love. Being gay or lesbian is just one part of someones life. Folks are just folks. We are all united in the blood of Christ and that's where we shall attempt to keep our hearts.

One of my dear brothers, who I've known since junior high and became a close musician of throughout high school, stood up for me last summer at World Changers. While we were in drumline together he always debated with me the subject of God and homosexuality. As time passed and our relationship grew in an odd way (but a good way), he became closer to Christ, and all this time I hadn't. He thought about whether he believed homosexuality is a sin or not. Although I'm not quite sure of what his final view is, I know that he still loved me.

In the van during World Changers, he asked if I could talk to him. He had told me that in the showers that some guys were making fun of gay people, and that he went up to these guys and told them to stop. This made them furious, starting a whole debate. My friend insisted that there was no exact quote in the bible that referred to God hating gays. They cornered him, including a grown man, getting angrier. He was fearless, however, and challenged them with a question, "well what if I'm gay?" (he is not), this made them angrier.

Atleast the good that can come out of anger like this is the fact that I'm sure this made the guys think about the subject more. Hoepfully HOPEFULLY in a more in depth and thoughtful way rather than ignorant.

I want to help those in my life who are homosexual to feel that they are loved by Christ just as much as any other straight person. Or, any person.

We must remember, that no matter what, Jesus wants us to LOVE and that His blood shed for every single man and woman.

Songs of Joy

2010-02-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with Him.

(Psalm 126:5-6)

My Sweetie

2010-02-21T10:49:00.000-08:00

I love this girl. She has the grandest personality of a dog I've ever known. Although she can be a bit of a hassle, when she is calm and loving, I can't deny that I adore her to pieces. Right now she is sitting beside me, eating her Pedigree-supposed-to-make-her-breath-smell-better bone.

Occasionally she will glance up at me with her eyes squinted, she must be in doggy heaven. Oh, how I love my dog! hahaha

Cards

2010-02-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

The possibilities
Floating into a sphere of existence
Trapped by fear

Aligned inner spirits
Fall
Over
One by one
Into chaotic piles

There's no way to see the floor
When you have cards flying
dancing
and sticking
(or maybe disguising)
the core

King Harvest

2010-02-20T19:19:00.000-08:00

Two of the best rock bands ever (in my opinion) have written some amazing music, with amazing relation in their lyrics and tone, their rythyms and harmonies, their rawness and their control. In times of the desert, what I need is a little bit of inspiration, a little bit of a push to keep on truckin'.

However, my life has brought many blessings this winter. Like great friendships being strengthened, some friendships taken away, news of what my future holds, the thoughts of who I am spiritually, the idea of a better way, the hazy nights, the glaring sun, the hiding moon, and the standing trees.

I have been selfish, devoted, too inward, too outward, loving, and hating. Isn't this normal? The spirals that conduct your life's actions and paint the sky grey or blue. Bittersweet moments are the most remembered, irony grips onto your mind and perplexes the most intellectual particles of your soul. Whether you believe in fate or not, some things you know were meant to happen, or not meant to happen.

The feeling of being threatened by an impossibility can encourage me more than the easy ticket sitting plainly infront of my chances. Perhaps this is why lust kills the innocence and joy we can lose so quickly.

I'm going to PCC tomorrow. Not sure why, but I am. It's been a long time. I'm not going to see anyone (not saying that in a mean way...it's that people are not my encouragement this time), I'm going to see why God wants me there. Since last night questions have sprung into my noggin. The only way they can be answered are through meditating with the Lord. No matter what people believe in, I hope they hold ONTO that positive mystical power that fills their heart with happiness.

2010-02-19T15:10:00.001-08:00

GOD does not hate gays. GOD does not limit His love to one certain group of people. GOD's love is everywhere, in everyone, for everyone!

Less hate, more LOVE

2010-02-19T13:50:00.001-08:00

For some reason, some twentyish minutes later, I am drawn back to writing.

There's a part of me filled with angst, and the other half is filled with optimism and love.

2010-02-19T13:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday when Kelsey and I drove into our driveway, and my sister grabbed the mail, I recieved my acceptance letter to VCU! I couldn't stop screaming for hours. A huge weight is lifted off my shoulders, and the official notification of my acceptance brought me peace. Kelsey said that before she opened the mailbox, she spoke a tiny prayer in her head for me to hear back from VCU. CRAZY HUH?!

So, yes, now I just gotta apply for some dormage.

God definitely blessed me with granting the opportunity to hear back from them sooner than I had expected. Along with the letter, there was also another one from my friend Greg who I met on the World Changers mission trip. Exciting day! He is my brother in Christ and he always has encouraging words and stories to share. I'm thankful for our friendship!

My dad got me a job at VCU parking. This means that I will have to get up at four thirty every morning during the summer! Insane!!!! (I'm not looking forward to the exhaustion, but def the pay)

Anyhow, tonight I'm going to Hayley's eighteenth birthday party. She is so boss.

Well, gotta fill out this app. Peace to all!

NYC and JOBS

2010-02-16T16:51:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I found out that my Spring Break will be spent in NYC with my friend, Jessie, and my sister! So stoked, so happy! We bought our Lion King tickets today, which is also thrilling! All of us have watched the movie several times throughout our childhood (many...many times). It's ironic and maybe intended that this was the Broadway play for us to go see, because by graduating it is the "end" of my childhood.

So, besides that exciting news I have been applying for jobs. Mainly in Westchester Commons. Surprisingly enough many shops there are hiring, and surprisingly many of hte managers were there today when I went to go introduce myself. AND SURPRISINGLY the greatest chance I have as of now is a job at GameStop. INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE...INSANE IN THE BRAIN! When I was younger I was addicted to video games, so atleast I have a decent knoweledge of what's up, and yes, I still play Metroid Prime late at night (or replay Legend of Zelda: Windwaker). Wow...maybe I shouldn't post this stuff online.

But the main motive for getting a job is for the obvious gas money reason, and to go to more shows. I can't go to any if I don't have money. And the Dave concert is in July, and I must, must go. Also, the Neptune, NJ trip is in July, and I need to find funding for that as well.

!!!!!

2010-02-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

Dave Matthews Band coming to VA Beach July 20th! I MUST GO RAHRAHROIAUER)(#*)R(*#!!!!

For reals, I've loved this band since I was freaking seven dude! AHHH!

Elementary Sports

2010-02-07T15:28:00.000-08:00

Carrie Underwood acabo de cantar. The Superbowl is about to start. For this house it means occasionally looking at the score and having an excuse to eat excessive amounts of chips and salsa.

Truth is, I've never cared for football. Infact, I don't know any of the rules to the game. I know what a touchdown is and interception (?). But thinking about sports today reminds me of how I used to be an atheletic kid, and how opposite that is today.

There are a few memories of my early childhood sports. When I was in kindergarden and first grade I played softball. The only thing I clearly remember is how one game they put me in outfield. I was staring at the seams of my glove, how they made a thousand little ties and squares and a few knots. For some reason, it was fascinating. A few minutes into my observation, I heard a ball pop off the other team's batter, and the ball magically landing in my glove. I stared up at my team mates and they came running over to me excited as poop because I had saved the game. That's one fine example of coincidental heroism.

Softball also had strange kid moments. Before a game in the summer I had just started using deoderant. Because it made my pits smell amazing, I thought, hey! I sweat on my arms during games! why not! And so I smeared deoderant stick all over my arms. My mom was pretty amused and confused as to why I would want to do that. Hm, I don't know why either.

I also had this attitude problem. One of my friends on the team, Jessie was her name, was the pitcher, and hit the other team's batter. I shouted "Yeah Jessie!", cheering on the violence. Sheesh, I bet her mom in the crowd still wants to strangle me to this day! HAHA

But then in third grade at Spring Run Elementary, I got into basketball. Since I was a fast growing kid at the time, and taller than the majority of the other girls, they placed me as center. Whenever we played a game I always felt proud of my responsibility. Yet, I was an aggressive kid and stole the ball atleast three times in the game because I was not afraid to get in those girls' faces. Yeah, that's right, I was a boss! Ha, not really.

After the games when we lost, we would all get in the line to high five the other team's hands, and instead I twisted their arms. For an entire season I got away with this until one of the last games, and the mom of one of the many victims confronted me holding her daughter's wrist, furious at my action. My mother was freaking out afterwards and thought that the family would end up suing me if there should be a spranged wrist or what not.

Once I moved to Powhatan I quit all sports because I was going through a very awkward and shy stage. Powhatan was so different from Chesterfield, the people were different, the camo and confederate flags terrified me (hahaha), and it was strange to go to a place I had never heard of in my life and leave all my old elementary school friends behind. However, I adjusted to my new home and discovered how much I loved music. That's when I began taking guitar lessons for two years, classical guitar. No, I don't remember how to play anything. Since then, music has been my thing ya hurd?

"Educational"

2010-02-04T19:44:00.000-08:00

Thursday. Is it thursday? Well, only an hour and 22 minutes left of it. The week has been different, a turning point.

Hopefully we will be snowed in tomorrow...our pantry is loaded with ramen and diet dr. pepper (my crack, in other words). I rented Dazed and Confused, Smiley Face (again), Woodstock, Year of the Dog, and Smart People from the Clover Hill Library as well as two books: East of Eden and Thank You for Smoking.

Going to the library today made me feel happy. It's quiet there, and on all of those shelves are thousands and thousands of pages that will only make my mind bigger and better. Getting into the swing of chain reading gives me something to focus on, something to think about, and something to keep me entertained.

When I'm in the middle of reading a good book, I sometimes will randomly remember a certain scene or description. For example, in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, I thought about how the main character always took pictures of each significant object or person in his presence, how he saw New York. In the story he is a nine year old child who lost his father on September 11th. I was also nine years old when the terrorist attacks occured, so how he percieves the evil reminds me of how I did. It didn't make sense, all it seemed to be was a pain that could not be healed. Thankfully I did not lose anyone on that day, but I can only imagine what it would've been like to have experienced such a loss.

So, yes, I am becoming a book nerd once again. It's crazy cool how animated your mind can be by just reading typed words created by someone else. I always wonder what the author pictured as he or she wrote, but perhaps thats the art of writing, you leave space for the reader to make their own world out of your piece.

Hoping that we don't have school tomorrow, so I can read. HAHA sounds a little strange, but it's the truth. I want to have a little alone time, a break from school once again, and just focus on growing my mind rather than melting it sitting in a chair, listening to a teacher try to fill up the time span of two hours with useless worksheets or horrible "educational" videos. Gosh, I want to learn, not to let my brain go to waste.

For anyone reading...

2010-02-02T12:32:00.000-08:00

For those who might be reading this or come across this...I thought it'd be nice to post one of the most meaningful prayers in my life as well as other's in my family. The Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

Snow Snow Snow...Pray....School

2010-02-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

So far, school has been cancelled for two days this week. I am thankful, because it has allowed me to rest. Also, last Friday was the end of the semester, so I don't have any schoolwork to fret about (maybe reading Brave New World...yet I've already read it twice in my life).

The time away from school and in this house makes me think.

What's next?

Ever since Sunday's service, I've felt rejuvenated with the love of the Lord. Sunday was also the first day I cracked open my Bible and really read, really thought, and really understood the Word in a long time. I'm thankful that He has blessed me with time to pray and pray. Usually during school is when I want to pray the most. But it's a constant motion of thinking and writing and walking and speaking and either failing or passing that is a distraction. God wants us to put the business of our lives aside in order to have time for Him. It surprises me how differently society has changed. Back in ancient times people had to find ways to survive every single day. Do we do that? And instead of asking for things, they THANKED the Lord (which also reminds me of the scene of Utopia in Candide). In my prayers I've been learning the joy THANKING gives more than asking.

Still waiting to hear back from VCU. It shall be nice to hear whether or not I'm accepted, to have that secure feeling of what school I'll be attending next year. But my heart has definitely decided on VCU, so hopefully the reply from them will correspond with these feelings.

BLESSED LIFE

2010-01-31T10:50:00.000-08:00

I feel BLESSED.

Because I have VICTORY through Christ.

Today my heart is dancing.

Today my heart is fufilled with His love.

Today brings no worries, for Christ has given me FAITH.

Today, I am blessedly speechless, so I can listen to the power of His GLORY,
which is pounding my dancing, fufilled, heart!

"Crack Not Included"

2010-01-30T07:09:00.001-08:00

A strange dream passed through my mind last night during slumber.

My friend, Kasey, told me to come to her house. I tried to get there, but it turned out this secret gang had taken over Schroeder Road in Powhatan and there was even a guard competition happening there at the same time. STRANGE.

So anyways, I get there, and time is warped. It seems that SOME houses are there, and others aren't. I could only get to one portion of the road, while the other half was nonexistent.

Katie Rusch was there (it turns out I was supposed to be a freshman in high school during this dream), and Carra Sykes was also there. I confronted them, panicky, saying, "DUDE! WE NEED TO FIX THIS!".

Immediately we broke through the time warp window, and realized everything was sculpted out of blackened cocaine. Because of certain footprints, I assumed that other people from PCC had tried to solve the warp. Carra jumped over some cocaine blocks to cross this green river, while Katie and I were like "DUDE WE DON'T WANT OUR FEET TO GET HIGH!"

And that's when we all said at once, "In this journey, CRACK IS NOT INCLUDED!".

We never reached Kasey, but atleast it was a crack-free trip. Because, well, crack is whack.

He who sewed my spirit

2010-01-29T18:10:00.000-08:00

He who sewed my spirit,
painted forth the perfect Love,
is jealous for us.

Jesus,
the One who is Grace,
I pray that you lead me to Your path,
and heal the cuts from the thorns.

I can't stop writing about You,
Christ who died for me,
The blood you shed was turned into eternal life,
We're given the gift to be FREE.

Yet someone else put me together,
the devil with his clever greed,
from below he attempts to snatch my feet.
but YOU always pave over his snarling sin
and hold me,
Your humbled child, so tightly
with feathered wings.

Pride and Wisdom

2010-01-29T17:54:00.001-08:00

Pride has overtaken my ability to freely admit the pains gripping my heart.

I become angry when I think about certain people who might use me as an example of someone who hid from Christ. Yes, I am weak to the LORD, but I cannot stand being weak to others, unless I love them.

Sometimes I only want the issue to be between God and I, but I know that humility is a process of healing and reconstruction. It's the hardest part, perhaps, for me to take the weight of my pride and use my spirit's concious arms to push and push and push the fears of feeling powerless away. I know that I am only useful in God's vision, not my own or other's.

It has appeared to me that the time gap between devotion and this reborn devotion was filled with insecurity. With that insecurity I caused myself a personal masquerade. Who did I want to be seen as? Who did I want to see me? However, not all of what I wanted was based on my actual interests or heart. This is a problem, this insecurity I barely realized is all the sudden unmasked and bare before my thoughts.

Jesus, who I miss feeling the significant presence of so deeply, wants me to give up MYSELF, carry MY cross and come to HIS holy wisdom.

Matthew 18:3-4
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

The Need

2010-01-29T17:49:00.001-08:00

I need to listen to God rather than myself.

I need to follow God rather than my desires.

I need to let God catch me rather than run away.

I need to let Jesus love me, rather than finding someone or something else to fill the void.

I need to LOVE rather than hate.

I need to FORGIVE rather than hold a grudge.

I need to be the heart Christ formed inside me, rather than the being outside me.

I need to love,
love,
and love.

He picks me up

2010-01-29T17:20:00.001-08:00

This week has been rough. No lie. Infact, it seems it was a drag for most people I know.

But the week is over, and the snow shall fall this weekend.

With struggles or challenges, we can face them with GOD. I'm still trying to really practice what I preach.

"When I was oh so tired,
You come along to wake me,
Time and time again and again,
With a smile You save me

Rain, rain, rain down on me,
Again and again,
Rain down on me.

Look,
we play our cards,
And I question by the grace of what,
We play our cards at all.
Come fill me up,
oh, fill me LOVE when Im empty.
When Im all dried up

Rain, rain, rain down on me,
Again and again,
Rain down on me."
- Dave Matthews Band

today

2010-01-28T16:14:00.001-08:00

After playing drums for a good while, I am sitting here infront of this computer screen with my hair out of my face because of this red head band. God told me to write, and so here I am.

Yesterday something strange happened.

During first block my friend, Erin, and I flipped through these books of useless information (literally, they were books titled "Random or Useless Information" or something along those lines). It's always entertained me how pages in paperbacks feel slightly rough, and the slight breeze they cause as you swiftly cause them to propel over and over. This was what I was doing. I opened to a page about Humphrey Bogart. I pick up the next book. Once again, another reference to Humphrey Bogart. Another book, Humphrey's there.

I've only seen Bogart in a few movies, most noteably "Casablanca".

Maybe it really IS all useless, however, when I searched quotes from "Casablanca", I came across this:

Rick: Don't you sometimes wonder if it's worth all this? I mean what you're fighting for.
Victor Laszlo: You might as well question why we breathe. If we stop breathing, we'll die. If we stop fighting our enemies, the world will die.
Rick: Well, what of it? It'll be out of its misery.
Victor Laszlo: You know how you sound, Mr. Blaine? Like a man who's trying to convince himself of something he doesn't believe in his heart."

When I find myself tripping over the things I've stood up for in my life, and realize that my heart is not into the purpose, it can be frightening. However, I feel that I have avoided defending my own faith because of doubt.

Haiti

2010-01-26T17:07:00.000-08:00

The past two weeks have shown me the sincerity of many people because of the Haiti tragedy. When I saw the photographs of the hurt and ruined country, my heart broke. On 60 Minutes, they showed a bulldozer literally dumping hundreds of bodies into a truck. "It's for sanitation purposes," one man said. Indeed, it is for sanitation, but how awful it is that a natural disaster has caused over a 100,000 deaths. Deaths that will not be recorded, mass amounts of corpses piled into a single grave without any identification, civil war-like medicine practiced on the wounded survivors because of the lack of supplies and electricity, people still caught under the heavy and ashy rubble crying out for help.

If this doesn't break someone's heart, I don't know what else could.

However, it has affected the people of our nation so much, that we are giving up our simple money at various opportunities to aide Haiti as well as our servicemen flying down to the poverty stricken area. This is God's love, no matter what title is put on these kind actions. I believe it is Jesus Christ's love for the poor, for the hurt, for the desperate that He plants in His follower's hearts that enables many to feel obligated and encouraged to help.

I pray and pray for Haiti. I pray and pray that He gives me more ways to help the people.

Graduation

2010-01-26T16:57:00.001-08:00

College.

College.

College.

I want to go to college.

Senior year is strange. It's almost as if I'm really only there for one meaningful class (AP English); and even though I'm kicking my own butt to do well in there, my grade isn't reflecting my efforts.

Clover Hill Library is really neat. For the past couple of Tuesdays I have explored their selection of random CD's, movies, and nonfiction titles.

A good find so far:
Smiley Face starring Ana Faris

By far one of the funniest movies I've seen in awhile. It's about a California pothead who eats her roomate's drugged cupcakes, and then needs to find a large amount of marijuana to replace them. However, she's broke and is in desperate need of paying her dealer back and paying the power bill, or else she'll have her 1000 dollar heavenly mattress taken away! So she goes on this random journey through town in order to find money and pot.

It really is a funny movie if you enjoy stupid humor. Which I do.

Hmm...another great find...
would be...
Polyphonic Spree albums!

Although I've been listening to this band for a couple of years now (since Eternal Sunshine came out); I never got the chance to sit and listen to an entire album.

Good stuff!

I'm really ready to graduate. This is a stereotypical Senior statement, ofcourse. Especially a Powhatan High School senior statement. If I end up attending VCU this upcoming fall, I'm quite sure I will not be visiting Powhatan every weekend (unlike the usual modern Powhatan High graduate). I know that I am beyond ready to take the next step towards my own independence (life wise and education wise).

SOOOOO....June 12th?

Could you come any sooner?

2009-12-13T12:38:00.000-08:00

I'm very much like Stephen Dedalus in "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" by James Joyce. I've been in the lowest of lows and depended on the very shallow sources of life to satisfy me, and then I've been to a spiritual extreme, maybe an unhealthy extreme, that blinded me from the reality of the world. But, as I have been made, I am an artist of my own life. I am an artist of words and music. So where's the balance?? I cannot deny beauty and then at the same time I cannot deny a Higher Power that is all around us. Floating freely and concentrating on the inner parts of our souls.

Episode II

2009-11-10T17:36:00.000-08:00

So...so....not too many entries this school year on here.

Good?

Sure.

Reading more, discovering more.

For example, Candide. At first read this satirical novel appeared to only serve the purpose of a political mockery relating to the time Voltaire had written it. But...no. NO! Voltaire asks "what is the balance between realism and optimism??" It had never dawned upon me until rereading the last phrase in the book, "cultivate our garden", that I saw that thinking too deeply is just as poisonous as perhaps not thinking at all. And so here I am, peering out my window of perception that is yet to creak open more and more with each day, yet only glancing momentarily then straining my sight. Either way, the peaceful balance we can accomplish as human beings is not visible. We were meant to just BE. When we can allow ourselves to be a part of the universal theory of concentrating on love rather than self benefit, peace will be granted.

Maybe, though, I am way over my head. But I like to think that all of these thoughts have a reason, but only if practiced, only if the theory is produced through lifestyle choices.

There are so many beautiful things in life, such as the ability to feel mentally and soulfully connected to art. The feeling generated in the heart by listening to music is an anomaly compared to any common emotion, because it is inexplicable.

What's even more rad, is how certain tools can enhance your musical experience.

Thank you, Ethereal Journey.

Last year Marissa lent me her Chuck Klosterman book IV. I had only read half of it last year, but two days ago I picked it up again and am almost completely done with it. Now I totally understand her love for this guy. He takes journalism to a completely different level, not to mention he's quite witty!

Much love to all!, Jenn

pshh

2009-10-18T16:05:00.000-07:00

there's this thing called love.

It's the best thing in the world.

And we all want more of it.

And sometimes we don't want it at all...because we are aware of how much LOVE can tear us as much as it can bind us.

Then there's love for God that I have right now. The one thing I'm holding onto is His love by giving me music, for me to vent through.

blah blah

2009-10-18T15:52:00.001-07:00

i'm wondering what i should do.

today at new harvest i was refreshened with the lesson of wrestling with God.

and I haven't wrestled. I've just pushed him away. Because I don't really want to talk to Him about the stuff I want to control. He is supposed to be my pilot, yet I'm treating Him like the co-pilot in all areas of my life.

And I'm fustrated with certain things...hmm...yeah quite a few. But I'm not going to post it on this blog. Cold weather always brings cold times in my life it seems. And it's freezing outside.

2009-09-27T11:28:00.003-07:00

laa dee dahhh!

it's so pretty outside today.

really, really pretty.

and I'm happy.

Things have been going well. It's my senior year, and so it seems that everything feels more laid back, more comfortable.

2009-09-25T15:08:00.001-07:00

so i see that a long of things are fake.

and a lot are real.

theres less to view

and more to feel.

the end.

2009-09-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

I have strayed away. But am not lost.

I am in a new spectrum but still in love's grip.

and all the while I wonder,
where Jesus is
waiting
for me.

War

2009-09-09T17:48:00.000-07:00

Human beings, we as ourselves, as the walking, breathing spectacle of spiritual intelligence, have a far way to go down. As in down, I mean reduction. The elimination of our selfish desires only brings us the joy of serving others, serving the Higher Power, and sticking to the senses of nature. Why do we instantly try to dive deeper within an emotion of happiness...sadness...greed...and then thrive upon its supply of reaction, the response of our own bodies that take these feelings and create an action.

So why have we tried to stray away from the fact that we, like the wilderness, are a part of it? If it were not for the cells that combine and divide in order to produce an infant, we wouldn't be here. The trees...if they were not present in our dark soil, then we couldn't breathe. And yet our wants to continue technological advancement is really out of protection rather than convienence. The world's people are competing amongst each other, where wealth and physical strength count most. Survival of the fittest, in a sardonic tone.

But why have we, as a "christian" nation, or a country that is supposed to represent freedom, peace, another chance, not grant that presentation to foreign countries? Is it really our government's right to call the shots on who to fight, who to kill. And kill we do. Well, it's not us at home comfortable with jobs, school, whatever it may be. Then it doesn't even come down to the individual when murder is placed on our name. But rather than label myself as an American, I think the only way to change the world's state is by the individual responsibility we all have. Although I am thankful for the protection and courtesy of our American Troops, I believe our nation as a whole does not understand the effect of sacrifice. Fighting never brings a positive connotation upon any being, any group of people. "MAKE ART NOT WAR" says the popular t-shirts hanging on a rack in your local wal-mart that was produced by a child working for five cents a week in an illegal factory in asia. There's so much greed, and so much shadowing of the truth of our violent acts, so we can keep supporting a war. I don't understand how fighting the terrorist group ENDS terrorism.

And that's the sacrifice. Would YOU be willing to put down a weapon, and surrender not specifically to the country, but to your own beliefs. Murder is wrong. When is it ever right? Honestly...when is murder everrrr right? When is it just? When is it acceptable in moral terms?

Bravery is shown by those who serve for our country. But there just has to be another way to solve the long lived problem (this problem that has been around since biblical times) of war. And I think that by stating I disagree with war, that is a start.

drums

2009-08-10T11:48:00.000-07:00

As human beings, we can do a lot.

But without God, we are without direction, right?

What are we capable of as His children?

I've been trying to figure out what His plan for me, at this moment in time, is.

I dont' really listen to Christian music anymore. It's not because I think it's bad, or stupid, or anything...it's just that I feel He wants me to search somewhere else, search somewhere deeper. Because God cannot be summed up in a song, or all the music in the world.

But...maybe He's also trying to tell me that the gift He granted, music, is something I need to expand my concentration on.

My drumset is crappy. HAHA but I'm thankful for it. I think it's made me a better player...because I have to work harder to get a better sound. Whenever I play on nice sets, it blows me away. How sensitive they are, how responsive they are to your musicality. And I realize that a new set is not what I need right now. That's so much money!!!

What I need to do, is just keep learning, learning, learning. And listening to music. MAKE music, not just run it.

the end.

2009-07-18T20:11:00.000-07:00

It's time that I try to find myself. By myself.

And not have anyone else define for me.

Or any drug.

Any substance.

Any genre of music, any hobby.

I've been sitting in a red chair for a couple of days, healing from my surgery, and it's given me more than enough time to journal and sketch my thoughts out.

And I've decided to leave them in those notebooks.

For now.

That privacy between God and I, is great.

And even though I'm calming down in an obedient sense, as in not focusing on BEING the Christ follower, maybe all God wants me to do is to learn how to love myself.

Because for a long, long...long time I haven't done that. I haven't faced myself.

Now is perfect timing. My best friend is away. School isn't going on. I'm not dependent on anyone except for God. It's fustrating to learn that you have deeper problems than you thought. And you start to break yourself down. But these are skeletons that have no heart, just bones that give my soul an outter frame, and they can whither away, or they can stay and enhance my strength.

And all the rest, I'll keep in me. Between God and I.

time to warp the minds of thousanddzzz

2009-07-05T17:38:00.001-07:00

so warped tours coming soon. i miss it so.

I know this has nothing to do with God, but...

warped tour's pretty schweet.

I'm not religious.

2009-07-05T17:14:00.000-07:00

I'm not religious.

Just inspired by Christ.

Attempting to follow His footsteps, one tiny tip toe march a day.

What's the point of focusing on our wrongs?

When He has forgiven us?

When He wants us to glorify the kingdom with our strengths?

I'm not religious.

I'm not nit picky.

And sticking to the small paranoid drones of personal sin,
does not allow healing.

If we focus on Jesus,
we will be cleansed.

I'm not religious.

Just inspired by Christ.

Baptism

2009-06-15T16:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was baptized.

And to be completely honest...I don't have words to truly describe the feeling of being in the water, feeling connected with God, and saying that Jesus is Lord infront of many family members and friends. My dad came which was pretty awesome.

It's....amazing. The memories of where I was in the fall, and how much HE HAS CHANGED ME INTO A HAPPIER BEING is overwhelming. When I went under water was the only time a tear came down my face, but other than that, I was attempting to keep it in.

To see my sister baptized before me. How we have followed this healthy path of recovery...and all because of Christ...ahhh gosh it's indescribable.

So many adults, grown men and women, being vulnerable for God and crying because the emotion of Jesus smiling at us is amazing. There was such a genuine nature that day. So many stories, so many lives, so many broken hearts being put back together, piece by piece, and in a restored form. Awesome awesome awesome!

My baptism is my favorite memory of life so far.

I can't forget it.

Dry, empty-
no longer am I.
Christ caught my misery,
making it into light.

And as the water,
the cool river stream
is used for Your glorification.
We bury ourselves deep,
arising with victorious declaration-

Jesus is Lord!
Jesus is Lord!

Son of earth and of heaven,
How do You make the sun bounce onto our faces,
while the river's ripples glaze over death's dust?
Amazing us.

We are illuminated by mercy,
highlighted by creation's beauty.

The Might One, God, The Lord
speaks and summons the earth
from the rising of the sun
to the place where it sets

Your love cleanses,
Your love is this stream!
Reflections of ourselves,
Your Children,
Proclaiming-

Jesus is Lord!
Jesus is Lord!

AMMMMEEEEEENNNNNNN

Discovering the Plan

2009-05-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

See that shadow of light between the trees, past the grey clouds? To me, that is heaven. Yet I am on the path we must all follow to reach it, to try to dedicate more of our lives to Christ. But His presence is within me, His love wrapped around our souls that cannot be destroyed by things of this earth.

I'm currently in this state of mine, questioning my faith.

This is healthy.

This is great.

It leads me to discover what Jesus has planned for me next. This spiritual quest drives me to find what He wants me to do, what He wants me to hear Him say.

And oddly enough, I believe it's not so much another phase of total submersion into a devotional, focusing all my intense worship-ness only on Sundays, or even forcing myself to read the Bible consistently. Instead, I think He wants me to see who I am through BEING who I am. The fact that we can identify ourselves as Christ followers, yet at the same time as individuals, is amazing! It wouldn't surprise me if people only classify themselves as Christians, and I don't see anything wrong with that. But I love expressing myself through writing and music, and I do this FOR GOD'S GLORY and not really for myself anymore. There's a reason why we are granted natural abilities to perform or relate to other people, and I think it's because God has a purpose for us on earth to live out these gifts. We mustn't worry so much about where it will take us, but we should take in every moment, the great and the unbearable, and rise above this world's upliftings and downfalls to enhance our connection with the Lord. Heaven...that place above where we all want to be, I am so so so just wowed thinking about how it's beyond our imagination of happiness! To be with GOD, our creator, our rock, our shelter, our provider, our EVERYTHING! Can I get an AMEN?!

For about a week now, I've sat in English class, taken aback by the intensity of words in The Grapes of Wrath. The distinct use of human nature and biblical references is astounding. Although I haven't cracked it completely (and probably won't, considering a novel is a novel...the arguments and questions sometimes never have a true answer!), I have been inspired by Chapter 14 when Steinbeck writes, "This you may say of man- when theories change and crash, when schools, philosophies, when narrow dark alleys of thought, national, religious, economic, grow and disintegrate, man reaches, stumbles forward, painfully, mistakenly sometimes. Having stepped forward, he may slip back, but only half a step, never the full step back." Powerful. We may make some grand mistakes, but it is instinct to pick up the pieces and move on. That is our human nature, otherwise we would not survive in this society of torment and decisiveness.

And at the same time, God provides us with so many beautiful things here on earth- each other. People make the place. Not to mention the trees, the sound of a flame flickering. You can't imitate the Lord's creation one hundred percent, it's impossible. Like cloning- what the heck dude? We don't need that crapppp!!! I don't wanna see twenty of the same person. Strange...!

Jeremiah has been a favorite of mine lately. The contrast between sorrow and then praise for God is a perfect portrayal of all of us and our emotions conflicting with faith.

"But the Lord is with me like a mighty warrior; so my persecutors will stumble and not prevail." (Jeremiah 20:11)

"Sing to the Lord! Give praise to the Lord! He rescues the life of the needy from the hands of the wicked." (Jeremiah 20:13)

"'Am I Only a God nearby,' declares the Lord, 'and not a God far away? Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?' declares the Lord. 'Do I not fill Heaven and earth?'" (Jeremiah 23:23-24)

"In my distress I called to the Lord; I call out to my God. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to His ears." (2 Samuel 22:7)

God of our life,

our heaven,

our sky,

continue to set us free from the captivity of depression,

of unhealthy obsession.

Lord,

You proved me wrong so long ago
When I tried to doubt Your existence

while my heart was overwrought

with pain tingling and screeching

You silence all the chaos,

calm the violent winds,

and seem to find me again,

during times I think I'm falling,

into the abyss of loneliness.

Thank You!

This is how much free time I have in Spanish Class by the way! HAHA

2009-05-24T20:14:00.001-07:00

i have a problem

He totally watched over us tonight!

2009-05-21T20:26:00.001-07:00

I just returned to Powhatan, Virginia after one of the most insane nights of my life.

A group of my friends, my sister, and I went to Carry Town this evening. Trouble was, no one in the car really knew how to get there. Being the taxi driver, this made me a little nervous, but I wasn't freaking out any. Either way, lost or on track, we all knew it'd be a great experience.

Turns out we ended up in Goochland, near the correction facility. We stopped the car in a cow field, Rachel running out into the grass and jumping on rocks, while the rest of us are trying to gain contact with some person who'd have some slight idea of some way to get back to some trail that leads to Carry Town.

After realizing that the phone service sucks out there, I decided we should ask the people at Java Jodi's. They were closed. So I thought, HEY! Let's go across the street to the butcher's!

And it turns out that when we asked for the butcher's help, he told us to wait ten minutes for him to pack some meat up in his car, and that we could follow him since he lived there! WOW SHA BANG how weird is that?! It was an amazing coincidence hahaha. But at the same time, I was also feeling iffy because I felt incredibly responsible for all the girls who were all younger than me. My gut told me it would be alright.

The butcher was pretty funny. He wore a bright tie dye shirt, had icey blue eyes, and that leather looking skin from smoking. At one point he asked some of my friends if they'd mind helping him with the meat and to go into the freezer, where an entire dead pig was. They screamed and were immediately freaked out! HAHAHA Although I HATED being there because I think it's horribly cruel to have a store where they chop up innocent animals! BOO!

Turns out this guy was honest, he lead us right to Carry Town. We had PLANNED to go see Coraline at the Byrd, but for obvious reasons of being lost, we missed it. Mariah, who was one of the friends in the group, told me to park in this alley way. So I see this spot on the other lane, and try to get over there...(not succesful), and in the process I happen to foil this pregnant woman's attempt to cross the street. Everyone in the car started laughing because you could clearly see her mutter every cussword in the potty mouth alphabet at me. I was kind of terrified that she'd come over and hit me she looked so pissed!

The Galaxy was awesome, as usual. Yum yum

And then at the Byrd were street musicians (as usual), but this time it was a four piece brass ensemble and they were HOT! They played jazz/swing style stuff. Rachel and I danced together, somehow causing a larger crowd of folks to appear and gather. I requested them to play salsa. AND THEY DID!! WOOHOO!!! I gave them two dollars just for that, and I'm money-less so that's good for me!!

Mariah's really bad with directions, and she's well aware of it so I"m not trash talking her. Really, though, she's bad hahaha. We spent an entire hour driving in circles in Richmond looking for the highway. Retarded, but entertaining nonetheless. Eventually we resulted to calling Sarah Brawley, who actually did know how to get out, and helped us, even after her exhausting day of just driving. So I thank God for that!

Anyways....a ton of more stupid crap happened tonight, but it was amazing. One of the best nights of my life. I will never forget all of us, under eighteen, driving late at night around Richmond, not losing our minds but making the most out of confusion, and later on praising Jesus for ensuring our safety!

When Rachel and I drove home, we listened to worship music, because we recognized how much He has done for us today. He answered our prayers!

2009-05-12T17:36:00.000-07:00

Last Monday my therapist said to me, "You have changed so much. I wish you could see our first session, where you could hardly breathe, and see yourself now, calm and content."

And this is the part of my journey where the fear that has been sticking to my heart has to peel off. That fear inside is the anxiety to try facing the world step by step without the assistance of a therapist. Within six months, they will start decreasing my amount of medicine. Yesterday when I went to hang with Sarah for an hour, I expressed the loathing of having to be taken off a pill. The psychiatrist I have told me some people do not react well to decreasing medicine, and that it's very possible for me to need to stay on medicine longer. I'm fine with taking medicine as long as I need it. I like the fact that some chemical is helping my mind balance, my emotions balance. And at the same time, it doesn't make me numb. But this fear, I have to let go of.

Then there's school. My life...which sheesh in a year I'll be out of highschool and will be one month away from being nineteen (I'm an older student). Let's just say I haven't been recieving too much encouragement from my home. A lot of assumptions really. Negative ones. BUT instead I plan to do whatever God places in my heart. What that is? Not sure. But there's this grand feeling that it has something to do with playing music. I can't live without it. If all else fails school wise, I'll still have that. Might not have a lot of money...but that's never been too important to me. Yes, money is necessary to survive in this country, but I want to be happy. Not go through college majoring in something that doesn't capture my best interest, and always dreaming about being this performer or something! I don't know. It's so great, though, that the Lord has a plan. And I know that His plan is one to cause me to prosper, not to harm. Trusting in Him, I have to push all other's pessimistic assumptions and opinions about me, and turn my eyes upon God. In the end, things always work out for us if we follow Jesus.

And at PCC this Mother's Day, my mom went! The dance at the end was so moving! GOSH! Made me really see how I hit a bad point with life, and God somehow found me through it all! YEAAAHHHH!!!! He is amazing. OH and I almost forgot! haha but I played that service! My friend Rachel thought it was so funny seeing me play with a bluegrass group, but hey it's music! I didn't care! The musicians are the most tolerant and mature guys I've ever played with! Yet...everyone else I've ever played with has been below the age of twenty! Probably explains a lot. I hope I can bring some type of glory in God's name for His people by playing. Being up on the stage, I didn't feel nervous at all! It was awesome! AHHH! I didn't care if people noticed that I was playing drums, I wanted them to hear the music and feel the spirit of the LAWD come aliveeee!!! hahaha SO RAD

Prom was this past weekend! What a great time! Never been to a school dance before. I went crazy! Our group was fun and hyperactive the entire time! At PF Changs I hit on this super cute waiter, and it turned out he was gay! UGH! Besides that though, it was a highlight of my junior year. Infact, my junior year has been more than I could ask for. Yes, I've had to deal with anxiety and crap. BUT I found Jesus, gained a new incredible best friend, learned a lot about myself through God, found a family at PCC and with the Brawleys, and I've felt happiness more than sadness. I've prayed for...a long time for this. For happiness. At night, I still experience this temporary depression. I don't know why...but it's so quiet in my house, we don't really talk to each other, my room is silent. It's strange to transition from a busy school day with dozens of talking people, to my house...where...communication lacks in some areas. But God's working on that. I mean...seriously! My mom came to church with me, that is a big step in my parents supporting my new found faith. She said that she'd come next sunday too! I'm praying she keeps this promise. And it's not that I want her to spend time with ME and ME alone, I want her to discover in this time of her life the love of Christ, and how he always offers change and love. My mom deserves this joy. My dad does too.

The book of Acts is blowing me away. Intense devotion to spreading the word of Christ? You betcha buddy! When Stephen gets stoned, and yet he prays for God to forgive the people...that's Jesus. And how Stephen "falls asleep". There's more to this than him just falling asleep. It's showing that God granted him the peaceful rest apart from the evil that surrounded him. Isn't this what we all want? Apparently...it's possible by not only demonstrating but BEING MOVED by Jesus' guidance. Forgiveness: this is the hardest thing for me. That and jealousy. I could go on about my jealousy problems. The worst part is that I bottle it up for so long and then it explodes. But jealousy shouldn't be in me in the first place. If anyone knows any bible verses based on this, please let me know!!

Gotta run to God for this.

HOPE EVERYONES HAVING A GOOD WEEK!

Childhood Memories

2009-05-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

Opening that old chest from the early nineteen hundreds that sits in my living room, I noticed how much of the stuff in there I didn't remember. In the chest are several pieces of art work and writing that Kelsey and I had done in elementary school. Wow! I was one heck of a weird kid but I thought it was hilarious. So...apparently I was a MUCH better artist then compared to now! hahaha here are some of the things I found.

I believe this was from first grade. Obviously an enviromentalist from the start, I wrote "Do not throw trash on the road."

Fourth grade I think. YEAH THATS RIGHT TIGERS ARE AWESOME!

Fifth grade. Not sure what we were supposed be going for...but I had a spongebob building!

Tacky peace sign!!! This was meant to be a dream catcher...HAHAHA

I loved clay and all that jazz. Bear in a swimming pool.

CHECK THIS RADICAL ELEPHANT OUT!!! YEAH!!!! Look at the detail in the nostrils hahahahaha

But it wasn't only art work I discovered, it was writing too. Thought I'd like to share some of the stuff I wrote.

First off: "My Halloween Poem" (Hopefully Ms. Deep will see this, on account of she was my teacher at the time!)

I'm a black cat.

My favorite meal is stewed rat.

The name I have is cosmic creepers.

By this time you can see,

I give people the jeepers.

Hey, you wanna come over to my house?

In the fridge I have a dead mouse.

Now go ahead, eat up.

This is surely a feast.

And here have my great spider cup.

Oh, and on it it has a letter from my friend the beast.

It says "Hello black cat, I'm coming right over now.

While I'm at it I might take a chance to chow."

Oh please don't go away.

I was having a party,

for it's almost Halloween Day.

BAHAHAHAHAHA Kelsey and I died from laughter after reading that. Hmm...can't quite figure it out. Next up is a paper I wrote in third or fourth grade about my wish:

My greatest wish is to be a famous musician. Why? Because I love music! Every night I would get out all the keyboards and my guitar, turn on my TV to channel 59 (which is GAC) and start playing along with the music videos! Some people like rap, but that isn't the kind of music I want to be with. I like country because it has to do with a lot of different instruments. That's a reason why I like Dixie Chicks! No one knows how much I love music! Seriously!! When I was a little kid my dad used to put on some music like KC and the Sunshine band. I would shake my booty to the beat! True! Now let's get back to my greatest wish. I've always wondered when did music start? Why was the first instrument built? There will always be a wonder in the world about music.

Ok so the reason I put this up is because when I looked through all my papers, the majority had to do with music. And...I felt more aware of my true dream. To be a musician. Here's another poem I wrote:

I am energetic, willing, and thoughtful

I wonder what will make me happiest in life

I hear chad smith's drum fill on "give it away"

I see a concert arena with screaming fans

I want to one day be a professional drum set or tenor player

I am energetic, willing, and thoughtful

I pretend that I am dumb

I believe in God

I touch my drumsticks

I feel there is too much hate in the world

I worry that my parents will be ashamed with me when I grow up

I cry only when something band happens or if I am happy

I am energetic, willing, and thoughtful

I understand that not everyone is the same and most things are unfair

I say that this poem is confusing

I dream of performing around the world

I hope I will one day identify my true self

I am energetic, willing, and thoughtful.

Reading this, the insecurities of a preteen flashed back into my mind. And I see how far I've come. What surprised me was how I mentioned God. For what seemed like such a long time, I couldn't sense his presence. But I'm thankful the connection between the Lord and I has grown tremendously over the past year or so.

A funny one I found was this. Titled "My Funniest Moment":

"Here it comes!" said my mom. We were at King's Dominion for the weekend. At that time we were riding the log ride. The big hill was just around the corner waiting for people to get soaked. Also at the same time I wished the bathroom was around the corner waiting for me. One or three seconds left till the big splash. 2....1..."VROOM!" went the ride. Now I really had to go to the bathroom! By any chance, the hill was so steep that I couldn't wait any longer. Yes, you guessed it, and boy how soaken wet I was! At least I didn't have to wait anymore. Now that ride is my favorite ride, not because of that though. Just make sure you have to go or not becfore you ride a rollercoaster. Now that's my funniest moment.

It's a mystery to me as to why I would want to share this with the teacher (who was Kelley Deep at the time :D), or my classmates for that matter. Guess I just wanted attention! I loved making people laugh.

Among other poems from later elementary school, there was also my first personal poetry journal from first grade.

When will this all stop?

When will my dog's fat stomach pop?

When will a shock come into my head?

But the most question needs to be asked is

when am I gonna be dead?

Depressing! But when I wrote it I was just trying to rhyme.

I know about dogs

and they like to eat logs

some are as little as a frog

and some are as big as a hog

their favorite food is a hot dog

HAHAHAHAHAH. Gotta love it. Here's one called weddings.

Weddings are the settings of love,

people with emotional feelings fly like a dove.

the whole thing is an act, and I love that number one fact,

that this is a permanent show,

and you can never go back.

The wedding was a setting of love,

and I, ofcourse, flew like a dove.

Alrightyyyy I made marraige sound like a death trap!!! The last one in the book is called "God"

God made us, our head to our toe

But that, I think, you already know.

Bibles are based on stories that are tru,

and they tell you what to do.

Some people have other gods, like buddha

the religion gets to choose ya!

All of them I hear are great,

so what's yours mate?

I believe in God

I think he made me head to toe

now that's what I know.

Growing up in elementary school I was made fun of alot. One reason I happened to have excelled in reading ahead of a lot of kids in second grade was because I read the bible often because it made me feel good. Like it does now! But....it's just weird....to think I broke apart from that. That I didn't realize at the time the power of Christ. And how for a while I forgot it all. I'm glad He let me find comfort in the gospel at that age!

This was a mini report card from pre-school. FUNNY!!!

It's true, I was an aggressive kid. Always wanting to fight and beat up the boys. Which I did.

One last thing. I found the bible I would flip through and stare at when I teeny-weeny. Whenever I'd get sad, I recall flipping to this page in the back. It gave me inner peace, the image of Jesus providing strength to those who were scared of the storm around them.

porn

2009-05-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

Take a look out the window.

Well, it's raining.

Darn.

But it's Sunday, the best day of the week!

And PCC did a service about pornography.

WHAT!??!? PORN?!?!

Yep. PORN.

Why has our society...actually, why has the WORLD and the people in it changed the way God intended sex to be? How come most of us accept the fact that our relatives and friends have a destructive habit, which leads to unhappiness in their relationships? No satisfaction? I wonder, and I ponder on the lack of attention towards the subject. The problem isn't sex, it's what we have made it out to be. How we have taken the biological process and shaped it into a replica of imagination, and sometimes abuse. No one can undo it. Heck, no one can stop the porn business, it's too successful, it's too popular, it's desired and it's a MONEY MACHINE. As human beings we are given the choice to give in, or stay out.

Yet, we live in this world where it's a normalcy. And at my age, in high school, it's much more common than the use of drugs, alcohol, etc.

A part of me believes that people aren't immediately swayed by porn, that it's a "slow fade". You look at the screen, the pictures in the magazine, the words in an erotic novel, and a shock ignites in your mind, "This is how it's supposed to be?!". And it's pain, it's grief that comes as a consequence. Then eventually, it's numbness. The loss of innocence, or moral value. We no longer see people around us as human beings, but as items of sexual fantasy.

So many of us have been exposed at a young age, later in life, or at a time when your spouse's addiction affects your relationship. I strongly think that the imagination is much more difficult to erase than the actual action of sexual immorality. Because if your imagination is still running, that means your want for it still exists. And how do you approach God with that? How do you approach the Lord with a cry to wipe the slate clean when you cannot come to terms with your sin? We can ask for a direction to where we can break ourselves in order for us to see Jesus' true path for us, and see people as He wants us to. The most amazing, amazing, and amazing thing that the Lord offers us is a chance to gain purity again.....

Just now I stopped typing and closed my eyes and felt like Jesus was saying to me, "I promise you this opportunity to become new in my light."

I'm praying for all who are struggling with an addiction to porn. God's promise for us to be new again is what I praise Him for right now, in this moment. It's a personal topic, it runs deep within the darkest pit of depression within us, but we can always, ALWAYS be sure that Jesus knows what's going on. He knows the way out, and He has so much confidence that we can break free if we choose His guidance, rather than that of our addiction's allurement.

Nightmares

2009-04-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

In spanish class today we watched this REALLY INTERESTING IT PUT ME TO SLEEP video on South American countries and the animals there. Well, it turns out that one animal they happened to focus on was the anaconda. Now, for those who remember 1997, that beautiful and wonderful year, you might recall the film Anaconda with Ice Cube, Jennifer Lopez, and some other terrific celebrities. I remember quite clearly my father making my sister, mom, and I watch that movie when it came out on VHS. The image of the evil anaconda swallowing J-Lo whole still remains in my memory (if I'm not mistaken). That was my first scary movie experience. Now, though, I see clips of it and see how stupid it is. However, it caused a chain of nightmares for about two years, the same dream over and over.

This dream that was a result of watching Anaconda consisted of my family walking through a desert, all of us frightened about the snake that could appear if you touched this big red button on a yellow notepad. Suddenly, there was a transition of location, and we were all at my house. I was looking down at my feet, pale against the dark green carpet at my old house, and entering the kitchen sensing worry. My uncle and dad were sitting at the table, talking. They showed me the notepad, and for some dumb reason I hit the red button. Their faces looked alert and astonished at my action, and they told me to hide under the table with them. Next thing I know, the anaconda appeared, and I saw my uncle and dad being choked and his face going purple, ending with eyes closing and bodies going limp.

The anaconda disappeared. Quickly I ran through the hallway into my room, where toys were lying around in random, messy order, covering the floor like fallen confetti. It was nighttime so my room was dark with only an amount of lighting equivalent to that of a burning candle. Out of fear, I picked up this keyboard I used to always play on, and just sang and sang and sang so I wouldn't think about what had just happened. But I heard the anaconda slither on the carpet, and his bright skin come into my view. His body was incredibly long, at the time it felt like his length was never ending. The anaconda did not come alone. With their necks wrapped in the tight clench of the snake's thick body was my whole family dead. Tongues sticking out sloppily and backs and legs being dragged slowly. I dropped my keyboard, and then it was me who was gasping for air and could feel my eyeballs almost popping out because the anaconda kept pulling tighter, and tighter, and tighter............

And it ended.

I was six when I had that dream. It seems so weird for such a young kid to dream something that graphic...but that nightmare would play over and over again when I slept. In that same order. That's why I haven't forgotten. My mom told me to pray about it, and ask that I have no more bad dreams. Well, it worked after a couple of weeks. Therefore, it has been many years since I've had countless nightmares in a short time span. Recently, though, I've had too many!

The first dream was about a month ago, and in it someone tried to shoot my best friend. With a black gun and a dark mask over his face, the man shot his gun at Sarah. I ran infront of it and dodged it for her. It scared me so bad I woke up.

Then another, which was by far the worst worst worst worst dream I have EVER had! But, I'd rather not post it on the internet. Don't try to use your imagination and guess, it's not worth your time.

There have been several other ones, but most of them are random. Not funny random either, just...weird and confusing. Like- how did my mind make that up?

Maybe all of these dreams associate with my fears.

GOD is pretty cool.

2009-04-30T15:06:00.001-07:00

HMMM....let's see here!

First off: feeling called lately by the Lord to play drums. When I brought home the Core values of PCC sheet that Beth Brawley gave to me, my mom started crying. Out of happiness ofcourse, but I could tell she's proud that I'm involved in something positive that will add to my commitment to Christ, and through what I love most- music. Wow, it really blew me away thinking about it as I fell asleep, realizing how far I have come. From practically atheist beliefs to having passion for discovering God. There used to be bags under my eyes from smoking and drinking and drugs or whatever...and now if I ever have those bags under them, it's usually from getting up early to get ready for church, or having spent a whole night with my best friend watching worship videos and crying because we come to a realization that God has saved us. My heart is so thankful for the friends He's given me, I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for their encouragement. My life now is complete opposite from what it used to be. I can say that with absolute certainty and no exxageration. And I'm proud, I'm amazed. What I'm able to declare with truth is, hey, if I was able to feel the Holy Spirit move in me during a time of tremendous doubt in God's existence, then He MUST be real. You can't deny that crazy, totally awesome, and sometimes ethereal experience of God speaking to you, in which ever form or worship that produces the greatest connection.

But going back to my mom, she even told me that she had been praying a lot more lately and that it's helping her at work, which was a gift from God, since I've been praying to Him to encourage my parents to seek His face in order to deal with their everyday stress, just as I've been working on. And, so, I see in my mom this kind of hope that she will become more interested in coming to...PCC!!! Yes, that would be great. I've been asking her for a while to come to a service with me, but since she is emotional, she feels like it'd be uncomfortable. Although, haha, let's face it, PCC is the most accepting church around when it comes to being moved by Him!! Ahh....the unity we find in Christ is great isn't it?! No, really, IT IS!

And so last night at the band practice I was able to hop on the kit and play a song. I'm not going to lie, I was little nervous since none of them had ever really seen me play before. But it felt like joy beyond comprehension. And the fact that this year my mom has been disappointed with my grades (failing chem!), but I can make her proud of me by worshipping Jesus Christ through music, I can't doubt that it's a calling. It's a sign of something I'm not sure of yet. Then again, what's the fun in knowing all the future holds? That's the excitement in trusting Christ with what we don't know will happen in the future, because everything will work out.

Prayer request: Please pray for my cousin as she prepares for a trial next month. And for the people who are either suffering or not being able to go anywhere because of swine flu.

Blabbing about a balloon...and life

2009-04-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

How do you take in the world with realistic eyes, but holding onto that child-like awe that keeps the mind and heart amazed by simple sights?

For instance, releasing a balloon and watching it fly up...up...UP into the clouds, its color becoming more and more intense in the sun's spotlight. As a child, you stare with squinted lids until the balloon has finally gone out of sight. At first, its common to become very upset to lose something that caught your attention, being so light and free but its presence obvious and known to a young soul. Yet now, almost reaching the age of legal "adulthood", would I, myself, glue my attention to this balloon...or would I punch my senses to look at something else out of plain boredom?

Walking out of a Ukrop's parking lot when I was little, my mother used to encourage me to keep a firm grip on the ribbon attached to the twisted end of whatever flashing or character-printed birthday balloon she had just purchased. For one reason or another, I always found it to be the most exciting part of celebrating another year of existence. As long as I held onto it, how could the inflated figure literally leave me? The texture of the ribbon as a kid comes back to me now, how the rigid lines on its surface were supposed to aide your determination to simply hold on, even on the most windy of days. But, in reality, why DO they use ribbon? It's not the most trustworthy material!

But behind all this blabbering is a truth- we lose our fascination with the world as we grow. There are some things that I want to hold onto. Like how a field's thousand of grass blades become unified as a breeze tilts and pushes them in a new direction. How bright and vibrant a city street sounds during the day with dozens of people all having someplace to go, and if not, something to do. How music can illustrate visions inside your noggin, and pop goosebumps through your skin. And all this wonder and question? Well, I never want answers as to why these beautiful things happen, but I already know that many curiosities in our lives are the reasons why we are thankful for living.

Spring Break 09

2009-04-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

The holy school bell rang at 2:55 last Friday, and within my chest my heart started propelling like a boat motor, ready to head out into the open ocean of Spring Break's freedom. No more long hours in a class room, gazing at the pale whiteboard while all the letters become fuzzy as I zone off through thoughts of "Hm...I wonder if there's any peanut butter left in the pantry...or pancakes in the freezer...", or, "Just fifty-five minutes until class is out...". My butt levitated out of that cold, dark, and hard seat that lingers behind the plastic chemistry class desk once the bell rang with shouting liberation. These eyes that were slowly drooping down and flicking back up (due to boring lectures) sprang to life, searching for the door so my legs and feet could flee from the dreaded classroom environment!

And from there, I went to the beach with my sister and friend Jessie. No matter what's occurring in your life, the beach breeze drizzles over your worries. It really is paradise, laying down on warm sand grains that eventually dominate everything, crawling into the most unknown portions of your clothing and items, such as your t-shirt stitching or the Velcro on your lunch box. At Kill Devil Hills, NC, there appeared to be an atmosphere that if you're not having fun...then you really aren't in the OBX. Which I found to be true, because I don't think there's been any other beach trip of mine where there wasn't a single dispute between the people in your cottage, or where I could ride bikes and not have the danger of being run over by a rushing tourist. Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was the people, maybe it was our connection with God...

My friend, Jessie, lived across the street from me when I lived in Chesterfield. I've known her since she was born! Ever since then, our families have kept in contact and remained close. She's been very supportive of my recent acceptance of Christ, and all this time I didn't see it, but she has felt called by the Lord to do international mission work as an adult. One day on the beach trip, we took a long walk and discussed our views on self-love, and how all these years we've had a great lack of it. Oddly enough, our lives parallel in one case involving relationships, and the minor abuses, that have shaped our perception on how to act in a relationship. For both of us, it wasn't until our eagerness to seek Jesus that we found just how valuable we are in God's eyes. Jessie and I have separate situations, but at the same time we are discovering that Jesus' death on the cross...that is ultimate love. His love is worth more than any guy could give us, and we don't have to act a certain way in order to receive that attention, because God sees us as gorgeous and worth every minute. Because of the talk with Jessie, I feel more secure about the past, and aware of how God grants us the present time to walk forward, dig up those abuses' effects, and color the recovery as our strengths rather than our weaknesses.

As weeks have passed by, my amount of medication has bumped up. Finally, I've found the right medication. I'm so thankful I don't have to experience waiting to see what a new pill does to my mind, and making the decision as to switch to a new one or not. One thing my mother told me the other day when I came home from school depressed, was that I shouldn't see the days where I suffer as a fallback erasing my progress, but rather that those moments are a pause in progress, and the effort is not erased whatsoever. That really comforted me, seriously.

On Monday I got my prom dress. Three years ago I wouldn't even imagine me in a dress, let alone attending a school dance! All because of my lack of confidence. But thankfully God has granted me great, loving friends who encourage me to show my beauty. Yes, the nerves are are still tingling in my stomach thinking about arriving to the high school on prom night, but my reason for going is to have a fun time with my friends, not to impress anyone!

My grandfather is about to retire from his teaching job at Virginia State University. I love him so much, and he inspires me with each conversation about literature and films. If it wasn't for his influence, I probably wouldn't look into the art of writing or the creativity of film making, especially screenplays. So yesterday, he decided to take my sister and I up to his office to get any books we wanted (wow I'm such a dork)!!!!! On his bookshelves I plucked two boxes worth of books, including Ken Kesey, Robert Frost, James Joyce, Tennessee Williams, Adrienne Rich, Toni Morrison, Richard Wright, John Steinbeck, etc. etc. Kelsey looked pretty bored since she doesn't like to read, but she did grab a copy of The Garden of Good and Evil. AND THE BEST THING I'LL BE GETTING is his original movie poster of Rebel Without a Cause. (James Dean= HOT!)

More importantly, I am SOOOO0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o thrilled to MAYBE play drums for PCC. AHH!! I can't wait to worship God through music!!!!!! And the Knoxville mission trip this summer...wow...it's so close! Lately I've been focusing way too much on myself, it's time for me to provide something for other people. Honestly! Another idea that I'd like to persue is to adopt a rescue dog. Those animals need a family that can care for and love them!

The new theatre in Midlo is awesome, by the way. I'm sure everyone has been, but I LOVE IT! Sarah, Kelsey, and I went to see a few movies and it was worth the DOLLAR! Twas brilliant.

More and more I'm getting to know my cousin, Sarah. Last night we watched Reality Bites, which is so great because it captures the 90's culture perfectly. Even though she's 30 years old, I feel like the age doesn't matter when it comes to relating on certain things. She's shown me that. And every night when she comes over, before I fall asleep, I thank God that He's given me all these wonderful people that can pour their hearts into me, and mine into theirs. In God, we must belong to a stronger, more invincible love, right?

poema

2009-03-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

We know what it's like
to sit on the edge of indifference,
staring at a night sky filled with both stars and cigar smoke

The world is a cloak and fails to blind our sight,
from the blaring sound of God's communications.
Amplify, amplify, amplify,
these spurts and piling love,
so that the earth can see not East of Eden.

How does a tree swish softly in secrecy,
when its life is tremendous and wise?

And...
How does the Lord dig into hidden cracks,
attack any oblivious pain
stuffed or slapped to the back of our brains?

The heart is a progressing element,
doomed to prepare for hurt,
and trained to overcome with Christ's mercy.

Grace-
God's great weapon to put us in His planned place.

Love-
Something we don't deserve afterall,
Yet the Lord delivers us to stand tall,
so we never have to crawl into a sheltered corner of darkness,
ever again.

an awesome awesome weekend!!

2009-03-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

God has blessed me this weekend, along with many others.

Especially at PCC this morning.

Near the end of the service, while the super talented Beth Brawley sang to the Lord, "Thank you for healing me", multiple members of our church came on stage to present their cardboard testimony. On one side of a person's board it would read something like "Abandoned", and once they would flip it over it said, "Completely and unconditionally loved by the Lord". Although I don't remember his name, a little boy who I've seen walking around with a cane went up there and said that now he is walking in His light. And he then put down his cane and proceeded towards his father's arms. What a tear jerker moment for those who went on stage this morning, myself included! The crowd was crying, it felt like everyone was praising God at that moment.

My board said "Felt unaccepted", and then I wrote on the other side, "Now accepted by Christ & PCC". The impact by PCC has really changed my view on the Lord and has helped me tremendously in allowing Christ to move my soul. When I held my board infront of the church, inside my heart I was praying to God, thanking Him and realizing that I am not the person I once was. Nor will I ever be, because God wants me to move forward onto greater things with His guidance. Like Brian said at the end, "It doesn't stop here, folks." My prayer today is that people continue to be wowed by God's amazing love and surrender their pain, fear, addictions, and unhealthy pessimism to Him. We don't know how He heals, but He does, and always will!!

On Saturday I went to Carry Town with my cousin and sister, then to Hollywood Cemetery (loved it!!). After that we went to Common Groundz to watch my best friend, Sarah, perform. This girl never fails to deliver her best, and her talent made the whole room silent, so it seemed. She did awesome!! I'm thankful that we also got to hang out last night!!! LAAA SARRRAAAHHHH!!!! hahahh

There I met one of my blogger friends, Carra! That chick is so cool! Already I feel inspired by her passion for God!!! My prayers go out to Carra as she discovers God's plan for her. As I told her earlier, it makes me so happy that God has led me to fellow Christians through writing, and to simply genuine people!

My grades have been progressing in a precipitous manner lately. I've prayed to God to give me a sign that I can improve, give me some type of encouragement. Because of my anxiety (although I really hate to use this as an excuse), I try to avoid any type of homework or studying because it makes me worry and fret pretty bad. Any ambition that was present in my school work has left me over the past few months, but I can restore that. The challenge is- how? Prayer, pushing myself. But God did speak to me, when I opened by bible to this verse.

"A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge, and happiness..." (Ecclesiastes 2:24-26)

"What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil- this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him." (Ecclesiastes 3:9-14)

"So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because this is his lot." (Ecclesiastes 3:22)

And so this is yet another small part of our whole life that we have to give to God, our effort in everything we do, in order for our future to be by His will.

A List of Today's Observations

2009-03-24T14:23:00.000-07:00

Some things I noticed today:

1.) The Powhatan County Library smells like fried rice
2.) Mr. Noechel is a whole lot younger than I thought
3.) Cinnamon graham ers are quite delicious
4.) If you blur your eyes while looking a fire exit sign, it looks like a bright red splash of neon powers.
5.) When people are awkward by themselves, it causes everyone around them to be awkward.
6.) Frantic self defense tends to be a conflict for people to overcome.
7.) God is amazing for creating hearts rather than just minds.
8.) God's word is only for the best, and never meant to harm us.
9.) Tortilla chips can pierce through the gums between your teeth pretty hard.
10.) Having the name "Jesus" on your cake makes it even more spiritually tasty.
11.) Janis Joplin had one heck of a voice, but made a drastic choice with in the end.
12.) Friends are supposed to be there when you do something wrong, not walk away and make you feel ashamed, but help.
13.) If there are problems and addictions in your family, you can be the one to stop it all by choosing to not continue the pattern.
14.) beaches must be awkward.
15.) The times we need silence the most can be the times we want distraction more than anything.
16.) Graham is a great dude, he deserves a lot of love.
17.) I can't control the uncontrollable.
18.) The english AP test really wasn't THAT hard.
19.) Before I take the leap and give my all to help others, it can't be too selfish to try fixing myself as well.
20.) Shannon, Audrey, Sarah, Brandon, and Jessie have constantly been there for me.
21.) My sister deserves the best guy out there. Enough with immature boyfriends.

short update

2009-03-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

AHH!!!

I haven't blogged in what seems like a while compared to my usual habit of writing every other day. Well, I'm back.

And...there's not too much to say.

This isn't a bad thing whatsoever.

Inside there's been something accumulating all my knoweledge of Lord, of the love given to me and given back, the words of another going through a mental illness, that has given me silence. A pondering without startling fear. My hands aren't shaking as much.

Maybe I'm becoming calmer.

This whole trusting in God thing-

a little tip for everyone-

kinda really works in the long run I've noticed.

With anything,

great or bad.

There's this book my friend Marissa let me borrow the other day...and I love it. Some other people who have read it and find the guy depressing. The author does have depression, but I saw his book, "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now", as a creative way to express his feelings. I think that for people who don't even have clinical depression can relate to many emotions he conveys. Feeling alone, longing for someone who doesn't want you, and just disliking the world, I believe, are all common feelings. Or so I hope, because without these dark moments we wouldn't be able to appreciate the brighter ones. And pain is what makes us all the same in the end, and that can make us more secure with ourselves and with each other.

So check this guy's site out. Yes, there's a bit of inappropriate stuff.

www.abeautifulrevolution.com

My cousin, Sarah, and I have been hanging out a lot lately. It's so neat. This is an answer to one of my long said prayers to God. She moved back this past January. That was the first time I had seen in her in five years!! It's been really awesome to get to know someone within my family like I'm getting to know her. Infact, she just came over.

We watched this horrible movie, called the Chumscrubber. It was hilarious and bad!! We didn't really understand it....

And we try to play really trifling songs on guitar like "photograph" by nickelback....yeah! yeehaw!!

That's all for now... :D

He is going to fix this

2009-03-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

There's this fear and awareness that I could be falling back into the old habits I once had. And everyday it gets closer. My control is sliding down the wide and easy path to walk on. Then I pray, I pray that God will help me not see satisfaction in the readily available sources of "happiness". And I've worried about people finding out I'm suffering from this, because I don't want them to think my faith has fallen short. But that's an unhealthy way to think! My faith is personal, only God and myself know how things are really going in my life. But I have to keep leaning on Him.

This morning I opened up my phone to call someone to vent to...or something....and instead I closed it. I shut it off for about an hour and just read the Bible and prayed. Knowing God is there is a much greater comfort than any person could provide. Although, I love my friends who have constantly been there and they do bring me a wonderful sense of hope! The love of God shown through people in my life has been amazing.

Last night was rough, and I saw that responsibility is now being put on me to look after my sister. I'm fine with it, this is not a complaint. She's my sister and I love her very much, and we're dealing with stuff together. The one thing I want to make sure of is that she doesn't make a mistake that many of my other family members have made in the past, and find herself unworthy of being cared for. My sister is worth dying for, and yes we have some wounds that need healing, but we are trying to seek God together in order to recover and move forward.

I think about people around the world who experience crucial pain, and how people who follow Christ in those situations still find a reason to smile and praise Him. And my reason to praise Him is that He exists and is saving everyone from their earthly remorse, even when we think He's left the room.

Have you ever thought about how the soul is infinitely deep? Usually I enjoy getting to know people extremely well, but in the past I've found myself stopping at a certain point. Because I see how everyone is imperfect. Why did I do this? Maybe I didn't want to deal with truth. But now I realize it's a beautiful truth, so we can all relate.

You know, everyone has those moments in life when your heart feels beat up and torn, and you cry and cry, but your heart still hasn't said everything it needs to express. And recently I've told God to take it all.

God is going to fix all of this.

And for those who read this and see me often, if my face is sad and pale, I'm fighting. The instances where these hands shake and my mind says that I'm alone is complete crap. I want that feeling to go away. This is intense for me to be this honest...but that's how it is right now. I'm not going to sugar coat the situation. I can't expect me to NOT have bad times either, and having strong faith in Christ is not worrying about the troubles that lie ahead. That, in my opinion, takes tremendous strength, but it makes perfect sense.

But Jesus hears our cries, and He's not going to leave us in our battles. He is our shield.

the need

2009-03-08T16:30:00.000-07:00

Today's conclusion: Virginia's weather is bipolar.

BUT I LOVE THIS HOT WEATHER!! I MISS IT! All of the windows in my house are down, and for once I didn't have to sleep with an electric blanket all the way up!!! SO EXCITING!!!

It seems that lately I am going through another phase of study. Some reading and "meditating", trying to find myself spiritually.

The struggle is still on, but everyday I strive to say out loud, "God, I'm giving this to You." My friend has been telling me since I first started talking to her that I need to give this up to Him, and depend on Him. And in a way, this has been a tough situation for me to be raw and real with God when it comes to my pain. It's getting better though, tremendously better. And when I pray honestly and admit my hurt, I feel really great afterwards!

Another thing I'm starting to see is that religion is pretty personal. I mean, it's funny, because in other parts of the world people live on their religion because they don't have anything else. They don't have the freedom we do in America, either, to practice any belief system they want.

And I'm starting to notice how many people I've known are secretly sad, worrisome, and desperate, but are deadly afraid of going to church. I'm well aware of what it feels like to not want to go to church, but it was never because of a fear towards God, it was a fear of how people there would perceive me.

What does that matter in the end? Church is for worshipping and concentrating on God. And God loves us just the way we are, but wants us to excel spiritually as well.

It's frustrating. The fact that the words "Christian" and "church" have such a bad reputation sometimes. Now when I hear Christian I think of people who recognize Christ as their savior and have faith in His sacrifice, wanting to walk by God's word and in His plan for us. Gosh...it's serious. Saying you are a Christ follower is not a joke. Galatians 2:20 says it all. I want to LIVE by the spirit. No, actually, in reality, I NEED to live by the spirit. He is in all of us, but maybe it's up to me to open my heart and let His wisdom move me in my actions and words. I don't want the selfish desire for me to be in control of everything anymore.

When I feel alone, God is there. God is everywhere, but ofcourse I have my moments where I wrestle with Him because the evil in this world is trying to make me suffer. But God destroys that emotion in the end with love. He is love.

So the struggle continues, but God hasn't left my side...

Hangage, Slumdog, Sex God, and Acid Tests

2009-03-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

I believe this weekend was probably the best I've had in a very long time.

Let's see....

For one: hanging with Mike and Sarah on Friday night was a blast!

Where would I be without these two? They're very special and geniune people, and I feel more than blessed to have them!! I love them!!!

Two: Slumdog Millionaire (need I say more?)

Speaking of that film, I felt pretty hurt to see those children treated the way they were. It kind of broke my heart. And what made me mad was that barely anyone in the theatre seemed affected. There just wasn't a tension in the room. Ok...seriously...people need to wake up and smell the horrible coffee of our world's reality!!! I feel pretty moved to help those kids someday in India, or other areas in poverty. After witnessing it on screen, my mind can only produce even more graphic and realistic images of the truth. Part of me feels that it would eat away at me if I never helped while I had the chance. SO I GOTTA DO IT ONE DAY!!!

Three: Snow.

I think many of Powhatan's residents' prayers were answered last night as snow started to fall from the sky. Snow- does it look more like powdered sugar riding the wind or lazy bits of cloud not wanting to stand so high anymore? Hm...I don't know!

Either way I feel loved, happy, and mentally exposed to great things.

Four: Books.

There are two books I started reading yesterday that I haven't been able to put down.

SEX GOD and Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test

Two polar opposites, I know.

SEX GOD has been great, and given me a new perspective on how spirituality and sexuality link. Really, it's shown me in an even more straight forward direction that when we try to find escape or comfort through sin, or try to completely ignore our desires, we are therefore disconnecting from God. And beneath our wants and needs, there is usually a spiritual emptiness.

Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test is crazy! For my English semester project I'm doing Tom Wolfe and his grip on the subcultures in the sixties and seventies. It's been an interesting study so far! Hippies, the New York art scene, and feminism are the main cultures I've been looking into so far that Tom Wolfe wrote about. There's a lot more to be read!

As of now it's day 26 of "A Call To Die"! Not too far away from being day 40. However, my friends and I are searching for a new devotional. Any suggestions out there? I recently found this book called Godology, that looks really cool. But, besides that, nothing sticks out.

Hope everyone is enjoying the snow! To all my friends- get some rest! I know you guys are busy!!

Strange, but Great

2009-02-21T11:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, so what if this movie is a little creepy and off the wall? Coraline is an amazing film! My friend Ash and I saw it last night at the beautiful and ghetto Carmike theatre. No, I'm being serious, I love that theatre for its run down look compared to the often visited Commonwealth 20! Hey, not to mention its cheaper!

What was really really supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was that we saw Coraline in 3-d! Trippy! The opening credits of the movie is an odd scene of a metal claw making a doll of Coraline. Right then and there we thought, "Oh gosh...what did we just pay for?". But then it got even more strange- Scottish dogs cheering on two old ladies singing, a retired circus man doing flips off a banister, and not to mention a door that leads to the world Coraline wishes for. What does she wish for? Her parents to be perfect. Turns out these "other parents" on the other side of the door are EVIL and DEMENTED! Gotta be careful what you wish for!

Then when this gorgeous film came to an end everyone in there said "WOW THAT WAS AWESOME!", including myself and Ash. Yes, it was the kookiest film I've possibly ever seen, but its depth in animation and creativity blew me away! If you're a fan of Nightmare Before Christmas, I highly recommend Coraline. Did I mention the cool 3-d glasses?

When we went there were people waiting outside the door who had just seen the earlier showing. I thought, "sheesh...is it that great?", but it is! So it's official, I'm in love with this movie. Next up- Slumdog Millionaire!!!

Summer

2009-02-18T13:03:00.000-08:00

Already I miss the summer air,
its embrace around my perspiring freedom.
Enough of this bitter sting, Current Breeze!
Calling on the elevated clouds to smile with white instead of gray,
my calendar tells me that winter is here to stay.

Already I'm losing memory of that sensation,
of being lifted by a thousand hands,
while hearing the anarcho punks yell into their sweat induced microphones.
Speakers blaring out any noise in my mind,
grass stains drawn onto my t-shirt as I land in green life's patch.

Already I am excited,
about the sound of crickets chirping tremendously,
the organized chaos of night.
Moon, above, is crooning peaceful booming tune,
forcing eyes to stare at its creative complexion.

Already I await trees' prime,
when children climb, and see the massive world from smaller eyes.
Trees being comforted more because shade they provide,
and keeps our skin cool in scorching light.

Already I miss summer,
the memories and dreams produced,
the people left in its realm,
the tan tone and red ground.

Already, my heart jumps about for summer.
Be gone, chilly weather.

Stressed

2009-02-14T18:42:00.001-08:00

As days pass it's becoming quite a challenge,
to face the fact I don't have the power to know how my body and mind will react to life.

Or what new things I have to take and try,
the old things I'm told to stop.

Attempting hour after hour,
to not be pessimistic.

God's been minimally testing me,
and in multiple ways I feel completely honored that He sees me strong enough to face these trials.

I'm becoming independent of material things (which I was never really into in the first place),
and starting to be dependant on His love.

We must be thankful, no matter the level of stress in our lives.
And I must say I feel decently stressed, whether or not it's under my control.
I'll come out of this, whatever this is, and be new

For right now,
I'm thankful that He's given me silence

and separation from things around me that I've relied on lately.

So I can hear what He has to say.

And silence is not being quiet.
Silence is a pausing moment when you learn the truth behind the freeze frames.

"What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" (1 Corinthians 4:7)

"We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ." (1 Corinthians 4:10)

I can't afford to sit here and ignore God or try to cover up my belief, because He is getting me through. It upsets me when I find myself slipping and doubting His power, when Christ is the mightiest and highest over anything, anyone, myself, my wants, my needs, the earth, the universe.

And then God's been speaking to me through this:

"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power." (1 Corinthians 4:20)

God is most visible through action.

I can no longer talk more than walk, I must do the opposite. How do I feel I should act? With more generosity, respect, kindness, concern, and belief. All at once not putting myself above anyone else, but promoting my confidence in the faith of God, keeping my self confidence from overflowing.

Lord is above all, and He is asking me to not doubt Him to others or to myself.

Whenever I do find myself not feeling His power, I think of the sun.

Have you ever realized the intensity of the sun?

Well....God created it.

That humongous, bursting bulb of energy.

And without the sun, there'd be no biological life!

So think about it...
If God could make that with His hands,
then He can fix anything in our lives with not even a thumbnail!

A blunt, simple, (perhaps cheesey?) poem I wrote

2009-02-14T17:46:00.000-08:00

Take my pain,
free my brain

it's lost tonight
but I know I'm found in Your sight

Calm my shaking arms,
grip my descending soul,
God I'm giving up my cross,
You have all control.

and when my eyelids shine with those tears filled with fears,
Your holiness cures my loneliness

even if there's no clean water in my heart's desires,
Your wall of defense halts these running addictions
from an affliction's fire

You give me everlasting peace,
because you know I'm tired.

God I might not deserve to be granted such a beautiful gift,
but You so loved the earth its in Christ's blood I live,
I might feel done but the Holy One allows love to run in me.

So You take my pain,
my hurt,
my hate.

Jesus, You free my brain,
from the chains of earthly remorse.

I'm found in Your sight,
eternal light.

Lord You sacrificed,
so I am healed forevermore.

Valentine's Day eve

2009-02-13T16:21:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day- either you hate it or you love it. I've always been inbetween. For the past two or three years my valentines have been gay guys, and let me tell you- buying gifts for them is hard! They aren't afraid to tell you when you've failed to please them. Last year I wrote a poem in spanish for my friend Matt. :) How I miss him!

However, this year, my best friend was my valentine! I told her that she's the best valentine I've ever had! Why? Her gift to me. It has a shrouded mystery, a hidden code, a metaphor.

What could this mean- "Give your potato peeler a time out."? Does this say, "give the things that cause you stress a time out, seperate yourself from them?", "it's 2 a.m., the early morning and beginning of something new, so give yourself a breather in self development and be proud of what you've already carved and chipped your soul into"?

Sarah is creative hahaha and also my best friend, a sister in Christ. I'm so thankful that God has brought her into my life!! We have decided to aid each other in finding scripture, sharing the awesome word of God. I've noticed that it makes me even more passionate! Thankyou, Lord.

So to those of you who are reading- what do YOU think "Give your potato peeler a time out" means?

Bible verse of the day:

"Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ." (Romans 10:16)

Shannon also gave me a really sweet valentines card!! I LOVE HER SOOOOO MUCH!!!

I'm about to go see Friday the 13th!! Wooh! hope everyone has a great valentine's day!

Silence the Chaos

2009-02-12T15:39:00.000-08:00

Silence...tediousness...then eruption!

That's my anxiety. I've noticed more and more everyday that there seems to be a pattern to my stress.

And a result of my stress? Insecurity.

The evil in this world is strong,

it's widespread like a disease and callouses our hearts,

we wither away into a claustrophobic mass of filth and disgust

.Self loathe.

Why do we try to control ourselves and our own lives,

when there are so many signs infront of us

calmly, then URGENTLY translating God's plans?

Fear.

Lack of trust.

All of us at some point are a victim of these sharp edges of discomfort brought forth by evil. Though the "word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit."

And evil makes us feel guilt for our sins!

But it's the beauty of Jesus' sacrifice that destroys a torturous guilt.

I imagine Christ in heaven, standing there with invincibility

Saying to the devil, "I am the people's witness, the people's leader who I've taught their world with love, and love for the God that can defeat any challenge you put upon them."

The anxiety I undergo everyday has swings. I'm thankful I can still laugh. My psychiatrist has questioned by ability to. But I can, I'm still a happy and free being beneath the surface of my "disorder". For those close to me, I'm sorry you have to see me down often, but I know you guys realize that the anxiety does not define my personality.

And so today I went home today due to an experimentation in amount of medicine to take. It was too much to say the least.

Under that influence I felt taunted by horrible gut feelings, my body was shaking because of angst and anger that I can't really help myself with this. I fell asleep immediately once my head hit the pillow, and instead of reciting some grand desperate prayer, I called in my heart, "Jesus". Really, I was trying to please God by letting Him know I was holding on when I felt thrown onto thorns.

You see, God found me in the thorn patches, and His righteous hand saved me from letting the worries of life blind me from Him. I shudder when I imagine where I'd be now if I didn't have God. There is anticipation of reaching a higher level of faith in Him, so that I can face any negative force.

I'm not oblivious that there are two forces in the world: hate and love. But love overrules forever.

So the Lord, in Heaven, is using His light to burn the pain inside my soul. He's holding my days' misery and optimism to sculpt my spirit into one that exists in ethereal yet real security in His eyes and kingdom.

"Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood...but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full of armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with our feel fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." (Ephesians 6:10-16)

This is probably the heaviest post I've written, for myself atleast. I hope it doesn't appear I'm trying to preach. I'm expressing myself, and I respect anyone's opinion towards that.

For those who are in need of assurance that God is there for You, I pray His grace scatters upon your spiritual wounds and seals them up with strength.

Mutemath's song Chaos displays that feeling of being lost, but seeking God.

"I know you stay true when my world is false

everything around’s breaking down to chaos

I always see you when my sight is lost

everything around’s breaking down to chaos"

Jesus hears our cries louder than the ears sitting next to us, than our own selves. Lord, take control of the atmosphere.

Revelation

2009-02-11T18:47:00.000-08:00

This might offend some people, but I do not mean to in anyway. From reading my previous posts I hope people understand that I take scripture seriously and love it. But there's something I must say.

Revelation is trippy. If you've ever dug into it, you know what I mean.

JAM (my awesome small group) has been studying this book for a few weeks now. Tonight was great because we were very open to possibilities regarding whether or not certain images or events are metaphors. Seriously, being an english addict I am captivated by the mystery of Revelation. The certainty within the uncertainty. What it all comes down to, past all confusing messages and questions, is that as Christians we are overjoyed knowing that one day His name will be praised by everyone and every part of the world. Jesus saves! Noticed I said saves not just SAVED.

"You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
purchased men for God
from every trible and language
and people and nation.
You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve
our God,
and they will reign on the earth." (Revelation 5:9-10)

I want to make it clear that I do not mean to offend anyone's religious beliefs, and that I just wanted to express mine. And by sharing this verse I'm thankful that God sacrificed His son for ALL PEOPLE! Even the people who don't even know His name, or lack faith. Those that sin without remorse, and those that are determined to remain devoted. He is there for all humanity. It's awesome that He would do this for us. We are loved!!!

I want to ride my bicycle! bicycle!!

2009-02-10T14:47:00.000-08:00

I'm in love with my bike again.

Here he is....(drum roll please)...Stuart the bicycle!!!!!

Isn't he a beaut? A 97 Mongoose. Yeah, I know, vintage!

Over the summer I rode my bike for a few miles every other day. After I went to warped tour and other shows, I discovered all my energy was expressed through the thrill of live music. Coming home at three to five o'clock on almost three days of the week wears you out! Since the weather's been loopy and changing from hot to cold every other second (global warming I tell you!), my hobby of bike riding has sort of died out even more. Until this past blessed Sunday, as I had posted a few days ago, I hopped on and took off in spite of my spontaneity!

Everyday gets a little more dangerous. I love riding down hills and releasing my grip from the handlebars, putting my arms in the air praying to God I don't hit a rock! It's so cool! I've been praying also in general that I let go of the steering wheel in my life and let the Lord have His way. Jesus take the wheeeeelll!!! hahaha

Ditches, natural ramps in my gravel driveway, and the usual accompaniment of vehicles or small animals all bring thrill and excitement to my times with Stuart on the road! But it is the trail in my woods that threatens my physical health the most (um...I don't own a helmet). Zillions of trees bombarding my face, the wheels of my bike collecting torn and dry leaves as they panic in the midst of zooming on soil, the random bumps and snaps of hidden tree trunks surprising my ears, and my gleaming face as I see the end of the trail draw near, my creek's visibility increasing.

I've noticed that reading the bible down there is pretty peaceful. The only thing I can say is that...well...when it gets darker the more noises pop up. I must be quiet down there, since I sit on a towel reading God's word and all the sudden I see a deer, or hear some creepy animal calls. When I was younger I used to be really afraid and run FAST when I'd hear these sounds, but now I'm not nearly as afraid. From now on when I get the opportunity I plan on doing A Call To Die down there. My concentration and isolation from home stresses are centered at the creek, and it also makes me READ differently...if that makes any sense. I absorb it more.

Then a question arose within me- doesn't God powerfully communicate through nature?

I think He does.

Thankyou the Clash!

2009-02-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

Staying up until two last night finishing The Great Gatsby, reading a Call to Die, then resting my eyelids listening to music, this great older song came on. "I'm Not Down" by the Clash! hahaha the lyrics have been keeping a smile on my face today!

If it's true that a rich man leads a sad life
N' that's what they from day to day
Then what do all the poor do with their lives?
Have nothing to say on judgment day?

I've been beat up
I've been thrown out
but I'm not down, I'm not down
I've been shown up,
but I've grown up
And I'm not down,
I'm not down

On my own I faced a gang of jeering in strange streets
When my nerves were pumping and I
Fought my fear in, I did not run
I was not done

And I have lived that kind of day
When none of your sorrows will go away
It goes down and down and hit the floor
Down and down and down
some more depression

But I now there'll be some way
When I can swing everything back my way
Like skyscrapers rising up
Floor by floor,
I'm not giving up!!

This Doesn't Even Sum It Up!

2009-02-08T11:45:00.000-08:00

Has anyone been outside today?
If not, please take a step outside and bask in God's natural luminosity,
shown by perfection in temperature and smiling sky
with puffs of white sighs

The stench of two nights ago is swimming
in the stitches of my jacket
The smell is a racket of regrettable decisions

But that's what grace is for :D
To be forgiven not only by the Lord,
but by my own human self!

"-yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed...Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." (2 Corinthians 7:9-10)

My sneakers that have walked on ash paced towards my bike today once my I closed my bible. I rode up the steepest hill of my neighborhood, keeping a steady cycle in my moving legs.
Drawn on the pavement by sun and trees, were icy shades...
then a blinding light.
This pattern alternating on and off,
back and forth.

And everytime I felt those rays,
it made me ignore those agitating moments of darkening shadow
that light kept my body pedaling up and up that hill
and made doubt a thing of youth, of insecurity that God erases

I reached it, I reached the top
the rising of showering heat overcame my heart
there at the end of the hill was peaceful light with no shade

"See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing..." (2 Corinthians 7:11)

In the back of my woods there is a creek
Unlike years before
It's shallow
But now I can see what lied underneath those tiny rapids all that time!
Rocks,
Spiritual stability and flame within my soul

And in my pain,
my sorrow,
my confusion that has tried to conquer my life,
God has provided me shelter in His love.

There are times when my mouth is parched,
and so badly wants to speak words of nourishing hope

"O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water." (Psalm 63:1)

The creek that ran before me today rang in quiet song
"You of little faith, why are you so afraid?", the Lord whispered

I could see through the water,
the blisters of my past that I must let the Holy One heal
rather than I, myself, pick them off immediately (lack of patience)

Love,
how my soul thrives on it

Hate,
how my soul has bathed in its destructiveness!

Lord,
the most I can give to You is my entire heart

I slipped up...
but You knew I would, that all of us would thousands of years ago

and You love us beyond comprehension

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

I've been attempting, and will continue to attempt
encumbering all my spiritual strength and love
to sacrifice my hurt to you

It will be hard,
It will be rewarding

"...the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:8-9)

And the sacrifice will require all of me.
My expected stumble onto former addictions was a mistake,
but with the promise of reward, I am encouraged to battle

"Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God." (2 Corinthians 7)

That knowledge of Your constant gift of cleansing my soul keeps me alive.

Your righteousness endures forever!!!

So help me Lord, help me stay on track and focus on You above all other things. Bring about an enthusiasm to do good not for self benefit, but to honor You.

AMENNNN!!!!!!!!

To Rocko's Modern Life

2009-02-06T05:29:00.000-08:00

Oh, Rocko, how you drew a smile on my childish face!

Your cross-eyed stare, your humorous voice

And Heffer,

the stupidity in animation made me glance past

your rather circular shape

and i always wanted

those red suspenders

Nickelodeon betrayed thousands of kids

just like me

who would spurt milk out of their nose at dinner time

while watching Rocko's Modern Life,

the cartoon of tilted houses and gnarly spurts of pastel colors.

Nickelodeon,

you took away Rocko and Heffer.

No more colorful prime time.

My childhood remains within the sketches,

the VHS tapes,

resting in peace within backroom vaults.

The Comfort In My Struggle

2009-02-05T17:00:00.000-08:00

Day 1 of A Call to Die was great! I LOVE THIS BOOK!!! My fingers wanted to turn the pages with such eager rapidness! Jesus, He is beyond awesome for sacrificing Himself for everyone. The concept is huge, and cannot be grasped to its full extent by us until we reach His kingdom of heaven. At my small group (JAM), we indulged ourselves into an interesting conversation about worshiping. Its differences of capability on earth and in Heaven are obvious- once we are granted the great gift of eternal life we are promised (as we follow Him), placed before Him on that mighty throne, we will take enormous joy in praising Him constantly. We all thought at one point- sheesh, wouldn't that get a little tiring? Bowing down and saying, "Lord almighty" repeating FOREVER?! Dawning upon us instantly, and us as pretty passionate young Christians, we agreed that it would be an HONOR to have to the PRIVILEGE of praising God for all time. He deserves a bit of recognition afterall!

The comfort to know that once we lose someone on this earth, and that we never lose them in our heart and spirit because they are in heaven, prepares me for upcoming deaths. My great grandmother has dementia and is close to passing away. She has been an inspiring grandmother to my father, and her occupation as an artist has kept me appreciative of expression. Her current residence is a nursing home in Amelia County, and my family members visit her often. Before that transition she lived in her house of who knows how many years in South Carolina. It was a small brown house with a decent sized garden. As she got older she payed someone to take care of that garden. Her yard is my most fond memory of her house. Kelsey and I used to run around on the cobble stones between my great-grandma's plants. The last time we stayed there it was raining, and (oh no here comes the deep stuff) I loved how precipitously driven rain drops rested on the violets' petals. hahah

Why am I sharing this? Well, I've had to accept death before in my family, and I know it will be coming soon. I pray for my Dad, since I know it will be hardest on him along with my aunts. My great-grandma lost her husband before I was born, and it's been hard on her ever since. He was a paratrooper in World War II! How cool! Whenever we visit her she often mentions Otis (that's his name). This makes me think of how I will lose people in my life, but will be aware that God's gift of eternal life makes it possible that they still live within us, and eventually our spirits reunite in heaven!! AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME! I know that she will be so happy when she finally gets to be with my great-grandpa again!

And one other thing.

I was challenged today. Challenged by my anxiety, by the effects of my medicine. To protect myself I am going to keep some information private about what exactly happened to me today. Before going to sleep last night I prayed to God that I know challenge is near, that conflict is on the horizon. Well, it came. Though a change in detail emerged! I prayed before trouble, while in trouble, and after trouble. A Call to Die said to memorize John 3:16. When I felt the rushing waves of anxiousness crash on me, I repeated the verse. My friends' tremendous care was given to me today, and I thank God for that, for not letting me be alone. I love these people who have continued to show me what love really is.

What I continue to pray is this:

Jesus, let the light of your presence shine on areas of my life that need to die, and let the fire of your Spirit burn those things away each day. Let my life be so consumed with your love and strength that I become a lighthouse for others, but Lord, only you can accomplish that in me. Have your way, Lord Jesus. Have your way. Amen.

Something New the Lord Has Brought Me

2009-02-04T13:00:00.000-08:00

Starting today I am beginning to read a book Sarah let me borrow called A Call To Die. I'm very pumped about following this journey it's provided for others, and to most importantly become closer to God in ways that I haven't experienced!! The book instructs to fast something over a forty day period that usually takes up a portion of your daily life. I've decided to fast all Internet except for blogging (because this is how I express myself these days, and need it). The other thing I've decided to fast is texting, but not completely. To tell you the truth I haven't really decided exactly how much of it I am going to give up. I think that it'd be best if I allow myself to only text during a certain time of the day? Only after nine? I don't know, but basically I am LIMITING the amount of texting I do.

It's not only fasting objects or activities that this forty day segment asks of me, it's also attitude adjustment. To be honest, this will probably be a more arduous task. Being a teenager I have my natural selfishness, and letting go of that will help me grow as not only a human but a Christ follower.

The book mentions being more encouraging than sarcastic, which I find neat. Everyone has been on the side of receiving a slightly ignorant remark about their situation, and it does cause some hurt. That tiny verbal slash that makes you feel ignored or not put into sincere consideration. Just a few seconds ago I started thinking, "How would I feel if God gave me a sarcastic response to my prayers or requests? My thanks?". Is it not a job as a Christian to follow Jesus' footsteps which spread the love and sincerity of God? This can be so difficult as humans, since we are easily drawn to sin, hate, lust, self-centerdness. All of these things keep us from seeing people as our brothers and sisters in the name of God, the creator of us all. Not to mention- seeing God in general!!! The times I push these humanistic behaviors aside are the moments I rejoice the most about God's given willingness. At first it feels like being a child, where you want to avoid discipline, and since self discipline is the most difficult of all types, the path to appreciating following God's words and obedience is not always the most fun. It's when we separate what we consider "important" to what's genuinely important to God that we are blown away by His direction. I believe life is full of these trials that He brings into our lives, and He'd never place us in any maze that we wouldn't have the capability to escape. The key to being free is through God!

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law." (Galatians 5:16-18)

"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control..." (Galatians 5:22-23)

What do I pray that I gain graciously through my walk with God? All of the above in my life!! Right now, though, I seek self-control, patience, and peace most.

My only thing is, I'm a bit perplexed as to what I should read in the bible. Recently I've been reading Daniel and John, and bits of Mark. But I'll pray for God to provide me guidance and lead me to scripture that will affect me.

This will be challenging, but then again it will make me stronger!! Every passing day of this experience I will recite the words of Britney Spears.

"I'm stronger than yesterday

Now it's nothing but God's way"

Ok so I changed the lyrics a LOT but hey you get the jist. Wow, whoever thought Britney Spears really preaches about self growth and gaining will or maturity through the merciful Lord??

God, You are so great.

Go Ahead, Call the PO-PO!!!

2009-02-03T18:29:00.001-08:00

THE GREATEST thing happened today!

I thoroughly enjoy car rides with multiple friends, consisting of dancing in a retarded fashion. What an art! What a joy! Life brought about one of these today after school. Sarah was the driver of her fabulous SACHL, while Shannon, Mike, Anna, and I were the passengers of transportive destiny towards the mystical and zesty El Cerro Azul. Music of the gods amplified from the speakers of righteousness (this music would happen to be 3oh!3, the most dance inspired music of today). 60 looked gorgeous and uplifting as we strolled down in pure delight, jerking our bodies caused by our brains' chemical reaction to blaring and animated soundwaves.

Then it stopped. A woman in the lane beside us, driving a red saburban with kid in passenger seat (eating TWIZZLERS!!! what a lucky son of a gun), glared at my friends and i with possessed demonic pupils. To share our love of dance and music, we looked at her, just trying to share the common love of having a good time. Instead, the woman took great offense to our fun that she rolled down her window, cell phone in hand, and yelled, "I AM REPORTING YOU TO THE POLICE!!"

???????

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Some people have a low toleration towards public display of physical dance and happiness.

It's a car full of teenagers! What did she expect?

....It's always an adventure.

The Face of an Angel

2009-02-03T05:42:00.001-08:00

Marissa Delano has the most amazing amazing amazing amazing face!!!! I LOVE HER! She's so totally rad because she reads some sweet vintage literature! And have you seen her style?! Incredible. Marissa is my math bud, we fail that class together in boredom yet happiness! If she wasn't in that class with me I would die of confusion.

The Waiting Room

2009-02-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

Today was bloody weird. And by bloody weird I don't mean to sound British. I've literally had three nose bleeds today!! Probably because of the dry weather outside. Alas, the air is warm and comfortable today. However, where I was a few hours ago was the exact the opposite.

Ever heard of the psychiatrist? Yep, that's where I went. Let me just say that there are some quite interesting people there. The reason I have to go is to get a prescription for medicine. My problem is much smaller compared to many of the other patients. The waiting room was a strange moment.

That room was filled with so many patients, it made me feel nervous. What was creepy was that even though there were an abundance of people in there, it appeared to be more silent than having two humans whispering. Some of those people waiting looked depressed and lonely. Others looked at the wall for hours with wide eyes. Me? Well...I observed these fellow attendees. So I probably looked a bit psychotic myself! The biggest complaint I have about the waiting room was how it stuck true to its title. I WAITED for one and a half hours to see my psychiatrist, and fell asleep in the process after reading an obnoxious fashion article on Uma Therman. There was obvious tension in that room. Embarrassment. Especially whenever some one's psychiatrist would call their name out loud to come to the back. When I heard the words, "Jennifer Hall" I shot out of my chair in excitement to simply get out of that environment!! My name never sounded so good!

But as others' names were called, they would immediately look down and get up or keep their eyes focused on their doctor. It was almost like their identity was being revealed and their presence in that office published to the world.

What moved me was when I saw a soldier in there. Gosh, I can only imagine what he might be going through...you could tell that he was struggling with something because he would smile nervously at everyone. A little boy in there saw him and pointed going, "WOW!!!". The commitment our armed forces have to our country right now is just incredible. To fight for a war that I personally disagree with. This, however, is a different discussion. There was another man who was dressed up as a cowboy...I don't really know what to think of that. And I don't mean to sound rude. I literally have no reaction to it.

I've been thinking for the past few hours how it was a little hard to stay in that room for over an hour, because the longer I was in there the more I observed and thought about people. I tend to think about and automatically care for them in some way. Therefore I did what I always do when I feel for others, I prayed.

Beside me, my mom was reading The Shack (that Beth Brawley kindly let me borrow). Mom is a pretty fast reader. She started it this morning and is almost done! As she was reading it, a lady in the waiting room said to her, "That is an amazing book, I couldn't put it down." Now I found this interesting, because this lady seemed to be the most quiet out of all of them.

Gosh...looking around that room I really did feel bad for the ones who are going through difficult mental illnesses that are out of their control. Anything from ADHD to depression to turrets to even what I have, anxiety. I closed my eyes and prayed that He helps these people. I can't deny that it was awkward being in that waiting room, but it was also a miniature miniature miniature test of not thinking these people are all around insane in every aspect. More importantly to not JUDGE!!! Judging is something I've also been working on. I've been breathing by this bit of well known scripture:

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged....Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:1, 7:3)

It would be wrong for me to make fun of the patients there, for I am one of them. And even if I wasn't, wouldn't that be incredibly mean?

The outcome of the appointment resulted in a transition in medicine. This angers me. Why can't I control what's going on by my own terms? I have to learn to let go of wanting control! The fear of changing medication every three weeks, having to adjust physically and emotionally to a new drug for eight months scares me. Because of my anxiety I can be at the lowest of lows self confidence-wise. Thinking to myself, maybe my problem is not important enough to really focus on healing, and unfortunately I used to think that I shouldn't possibly pray as much about it to God, that this is too small. I've changed my view on that. With these words:

"Look at the lillies of the field...Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you...Seek the Kingdom of God above and all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need" (Matthew 6:28-30, 33)

Have you ever seen a bumper sticker on someone's car that sticks in your memory? When I left the office, I had this frustration built up. That office was made me feel like a scientific study. There was no personal care from the way the psychiatrist asked me some quite personal questions in front of my mom. How uncomfortable! The attention to me as a subject about to undergo a series of drug trials rather than a PERSON experiencing a problem that bothers me daily disturbed me. I felt somewhat unwanted or not put in regard. On the car ride to my therapist we stopped at a stop light and stuck to the car in front of me was a bumper sticker that said:

THERE IS HOPE, JESUS CARES ABOUT YOU

Oh, how I will continue to praise Him through this! It can be so difficult, but I must remain determined.

I will overcome

2009-02-01T12:46:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. Happily tired. This weekend was a painting (or atleast that's how my friend would Mike put it), where I was confronted by several emotions and various actions or words.

Friday was the first show I've been to since October when I saw Okkervil River, and it was much different from my past concert experiences. I went with Mike and Sarah, which I loved because they are two very special people in my life! Since I can be an idiot I was freezing half of the time because the only near to warm thing hanging on my body was my American Apparel thin hoodie! Yeah...standing in twenty degree weather for thirty five minutes in line is not a hobby of mine, but it eventually started to feel warm. Maybe this is a bad thing.

I forgot to mention that the band we went to see was Citizen Cope! What a man! My favorite activity to participate in at shows is dancing, for several reasons. 1.) There's no way you look the most ridiculous in the crowd...take a look around. 2.) The music just makes you move mannn 3.) WHY NOT LET THE POWER OF MUSIC OPERATE YOUR LIMBS?! Citizen Cope was BY FAR dance music material. Mike and Sarah laughed at me because apparently I looked high. Well...I kinda was, unfortunately by association.

You see, this show had many audience members that the "general" public would label as "hippies". It's no secret. So obviously with that in mind there was pot at this show. The girls smoking it were actually behind me. Ever since I quit I've feared being near it. I feel that if I surround myself with it that in time I would pick it up again. The fact that it didn't bother me at the show was NOT a sign of weakness or vulnerability towards drugs for me, but a justification that the sensation of being slightly high did not want me to go any further. Only because I admittedly and regrettably enjoyed it. Let me restate that. My physical self enjoyed it. And with that personal decision to not do it again or morally ENJOY the feeling, I felt stronger than the drug. When I smelled it I prayed. For protection. Sarah told me not to do it. I wasn't going to anyways, but I'm thankful I had her there, to have that care shown. Really, though, I didn't think that her command was authoritative. Her command was out of friendship. Gosh that feels so great to say!!

What's totally rad is the fact that the whole night I felt God. I felt Him in my heart the whole time. I had a premonition earlier that day that I was going to be faced with the challenges of being in the presence of drugs, the things that scarred me. The last show before Citizen Cope, I had still been smoking. Things were different then. It's crazy to take a minute right now..........ok done with the minute, to see how much God has changed my life!!! He's given me STRENGTH. I can feel it. I did feel it.

At the same time, I'm still challenging the aftermath of my exposure to marijuana the other night. Since I had an addiction to being either high or under some influence, that small dosage I received at the show has been making my brain want it to the full extent. This feeling that is even in my head right now reminds me a lot of how my body felt when I wanted to take drugs or drink more often. Addiction has been a dark portion of my life. As I've mentioned before, it has not only been to drugs but to other horrible things. This is a challenge, and I WILL overcome it! At this moment I have this mental vision of what this problem is to me. To close this up, this is my poem, and my cry against addiction.

The longing is there again,
Sticky like glue
(trickling and stopping, running then clumping).

Its RED eyes are stabbing my definition of ventilation,
...everywhere glaring at my new happiness.
wanting to steal my ability to feel more than numbness
wanting to possess my heart in tune with this mind

Yes those struggles push me onto splintery sin
but God saves, lifting me up again
to look down from above at what deceived me as a means of escape.

With Lord's grace all that remains from that monstrous maze
Are a few physical scrapes I might never drain or erase,
rrrrip off, rid of.
But I feel the highest love
From His heart which frees me of misery,
and weak, temporary evil tries to see my heart suffer
(Cruelty shall never win
For Jesus' power mends)

Addiction
You offer nothing better than what my God offers
Addiction
You will be conquered

Letting It Out...Sorta

2009-01-29T17:40:00.000-08:00

I've been advised not to do this, and even though it might create some embarrassment for me, I think I need to let this out in some way.

It's around this time at night that my nerves are timid and pressed tightly. In late November/early December I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorder is common, but that doesn't solve the problem for me to know that. I'm not entirely sure why I have it, and have panic attacks...but I do and I've been trying to get better.

I've left school a few times because of attacks. They hit me randomly and at what seems to be the worst times. In some driving instances I start to hyperventilate and have to pull over, sometimes the panic proceeds and sometimes it does not. Whenever I'm alone my mind feels as if it's being choked by a rope controlled by unknown sources. If I knew what all of those sources were then maybe I'd start to rid of this trap that's progressed in my brain. I now have a great fear of being alone and hurt, so I always long to be with people who openly love me and show great care towards this thing I can't control. More importantly, I don't know how I'd deal with this if I didn't have faith in God.

My grades have gone down and it's difficult for me to finish any type of homework assignment because at home I feel stressed, so when I'm stressed I can't operate well. At school I try not to care about what's going on because when I do show interest then I think about it too much and that causes me to freak out. I miss half a day at school every Monday on top of it all to go to therapy, and that piles more work on top of everything else school wise. For a while I couldn't play drums for more than fifteen minutes because my confidence was gone. But I have picked it back up again to regular routine.

The only places I feel genuinely happy at are at my church and the Brawley's house. I feel incredibly blessed for both places. I usually feel more connected with God in these places too. When I'm home I read the bible and try to focus on God so much more because He is true and watching me. I know He is. Everynight I pray for Him to heal me of this strange sadness and mental anxiety and worry. And I feel guilty that I worry too much about stuff because in the end there's not much to fret over. Once an attack is over I feel drained and pray and pray. At the same time, I thank Him for the people who are by my side or talk to me when I'm having one. I don't know how those people can still see me as a normal or great person when I have attacks, it takes strength to see through that. I feel like I can't give back enough love that people have given me in the past two to three months.

On Monday I began taking Zoloft...which has been an interesting experience side effect wise. The only one I've had trouble with is nausea, along with zoning out and increased heart rate. My mom's friend who takes Zoloft said that these usually go away within the first week. I hope so. I hope it helps calm my nerves down.

I know not everyone agrees that I should be taking medicine, and I respect that. Infact in a way I find it a compliment because that statement makes me feel like I'm not one hundred percent mentally unstable, but that it's because of some situations and events that have happened over the past year that are making me this way. Whatever it is, I pray to God that He helps me and will keep me in His arms throughout this. And you know what? He's doing just exactly that. Through people, through my heart.

Bandaids and Musical Praise

2009-01-29T16:14:00.000-08:00

I feel like Nelly tonight. Not only do I feel like Nelly, I look like Nelly. A bandaid is on my face due to a scab bleeding. Disgusting!!!!

Other news....last night I went to the PCC band practice. IT WAS AWESOME!!! I think it's so cool that these talented musicians meet up to play songs about the Lord! The band members have some real passion not only for Christ but for music. I'm really happy that I was exposed to that atmosphere of love for expression through song, and all for Jesus!! Hopefully if I keep attending practices that I will get some type of chance to play drum set, since it's my favorite thing in the world to do! :D

Breaking Copyright Laws for the sake of ART

2009-01-27T12:55:00.000-08:00

Right about now, I'm most likely breaking 2098324958043985 copyright rules by posting these paintings. They were done by an AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME modern artist named Sage Vaughn. He paints nature but also culture. WOOOOHHHH MODERN ART!

A Lesson Revisited

2009-01-27T08:57:00.000-08:00

A bowl of ramen noodles is currently sitting in my lap as I'm typing this.

I didn't go to school today! My parents gave me the option to stay home. Thank you God!

Last night I was struggling with feelings of hate and wanted to call certain people out on bad things they've done that bothered me. I would never have the guts to do something like this, and I think I am starting to grasp even more the fact that it's not my place to do so.

When I woke up this morning around 11 o'clock, I reached for my bible. Reading the bible seems to help quite a bit when going through confusing situations. Right now I'm reading the book of John. Good stuff.

The verses that caught my attention this morning were John 8:1 through 8:11. I'm sure many people already know this story, but based on my present feelings towards people who either remind me of my past or continue to hurt me without knowledge of doing so, this story lit a more peaceful light bulb in my mind on how to react emotionally.

"But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, 'If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.'...At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there." (John 8:6-9)

Although I never found myself to be more perfect than any other person (and with that I do not believe anyone is perfect), I often have gotten angry when I see people do bad acts in front of me, and I'm starting to think that maybe it's because I used to do what they're doing, and sometimes slip into their same actions from time to time. It's become more and more visible to me that we are all equal, and that we are all sinners.

After reading this story I feel more content, and not nearly as much pain. Along with that I don't naturally think pessimistically about others or desire to correct them somehow. That's why I love learning about God though, it's a process. I believe His teachings are only to bring about good, nothing else.

The word of God has proven to continuously provide me with happiness and belief in His love. I'm looking forward to what's next.

You might think they are....but they are not.....

2009-01-26T18:25:00.001-08:00

You might think Radiohead is one of the single most overrated bands in the world today, but their credit is soley based off of their originality and succesful adaptation from nineties into the new millenium.

I just made a mistake. Radiohead never once "adapted" to the current music scene, or rather, any scene whatsoever. Pablo Honey launched Radiohead's raw alternative sound with the stalker student-esque single "Creep", but they didn't stick to this sound for long despite the financial splendor.

What?!! They didn't care about money?!! Who are these guys?!! Artists??!!!

Let me put this out there- OK Computer is one of the best rock albums of all time. The first time I heard the track Paranoid Android I got massive goosebumps. Who the heck thinks of this stuff? Not only that- who thinks of this stuff and somehow attracts millions of people around the world who would usually listen to mainstream pop, or...maybe even the dreaded Nickelback (*gasp*), to sit down and souse the whirl of obnoxious, yet beautifully arranged, songs with offbeat topics? Only one can hold the force. Radiohead, may the force be with you.

Thom Yorke, as everyone knows is the lead singer of this lovely ensemble, is....well....strange. He knows it and shows it. What people fail to see is that behind this man's musical career, Thom is aware of what he's trying to accomplish as an artists. Searching his words I found he strongly disagrees with the media and its restrictions on art. Here some of my favorite quotes by him:

-"So ultimately, it's idealistic to think that artists are able to step away from the power of the media and the way it controls things, and go on doing their own things."

-"I don't see it in terms of changing things, but rather using language and music as weapons for fighting a mainstream media which is predominately right wing, and loyal to the political framework and its corporate interests."

-I think the most important thing about music is the sense of escape.

Right now I have to thank Thom Yorke for being an artist and making music that HE wants to make, and nothing less. The last quote I included speaks clear to me. Isn't music supposed to be an escape? I am a punk music fan, do not get me wrong, but I do believe that politics shouldn't make up an entire record. There it goes back again- isn't music a means of communication to its audience? Sure a singer could adress a crowd of thousands and thousands about who to vote for or how the world's enviroment is slowly melting away, but if that's what I really want to hear, then I will go to some type of political rally. Not a concert, and not spend my money on it. That's not escape for me. For others, maybe.

Radiohead creates their own world and dome within music. Taking the art to an individual spectrum. Many journalists have tried to describe Radiohead's noise, but they're simply one of those bands you have to listen for yourself. And not just one track, because all of them vary. The panicky drone of Thom Yorke and the undefined background elements are what define Radiohead. Never trite.

And live? I would feel more than priveleged to witness a Radiohead performance. To see what I mean, check this out- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8M-Moo4imQ

Nursing Homes

2009-01-24T20:47:00.001-08:00

My opinion about nursing homes changed this morning. My former experiences with them have been awkward or kind of depressing.

When I was thirteen my grandmother passed away. Every so often my mom would make Kelsey and I jump into our old Jeep Cherokee to go visit Grandma. Usually my sister and I deeply dreaded having to drive to North Carolina and back within a two day period, and having to sit in a small room listening to my mom and grandma talk. I don't recall half of the conversations they had. Often my mom would ask Kelsey and I to leave the room, or my Grandma would ask me to go play the piano. I didn't know how to play at all, but she liked hearing me play around on it.

She had two high addictions I will never forget:

1.) Smoking
2.) Once she quit smoking, she resolved to debbie cakes. Gotta love the healthy transition.

When my grandma used to smoke around me I had to leave because I would get sick and almost throw up. How ironic, since I later picked up the habit myself for a brief time period and never experienced those physical effects! Let me just say that the longterm physical effects of smoking were apparent in my grandma's appearence. She had that smoker's skin, with more than average amount of freckles and faint yellow skin tint.

Later on the debbie cakes replaced cigarettes. Being a kid you'd think my face would light up at the sight of a box of sugar and an invitation to diabetes, but I got sick of seeing her eating them. Ugh, I hate debbie cakes now! hahah

The last time I saw her she was on a breathing machine in a hospital. Her health just got worse and worse, and then she died. I could see it coming, ofcourse like everyone else in the fam. I think that for years my mom always thought that each visit we gave might possibly be the last. Which is important to remember when a family or friend is in critical condition, but that fact never ruined our visits.

Seeing someone die slowly helps you accept others' deaths in the future. My grandfather once saw my reaction to hearing about someone's death, how I remarked how awful it was for someone to pass away. And he replied, "You just aren't used to it yet." And he didn't say this in a negative tone, because my grandfather looked very peaceful when he said it. Death is, as everyone knows, a part of everyone's life. Thankfully no one I've been really really really really close to has died. I've seen what loss does to other people, after my grandma died. I find it interesting how people invade your house with flowers, and that even when you throw the flowers out the house still smells like Lowe's greenhouse. I think this tradition should be shifted. People's houses should be filled with hugs and prayer instead of a plant. Plants can't hug you. Especially cactuses, I don't recommend trying that out.

But back to the original topic at hand.

Nursing homes. Facilities with some residents older than the concept of nursing homes. Within their doors lies a world of age and experience, of some fragile bodies with big minds. Hayley, Shannon, Sydni, Vania, Hannah Merchant, and Melissa...uhh...darn I feel bad but I forgot her last name, and I all went to Lucy Corr Nursing Home this morning bright and early! At first I was a little nervous (what's new) about going to visit the old folks. Because my grandma's nursing home was miniscule and sad. And...the smell was not pleasant, I'll be honest. Lucy Corr, though, is the Hilton Hotel compared to my grandma's Motel 6. I almost asked the guide where the bar and swimming pool was. Speaking of the guide, she got kind of mad at me since I ran into the bathroom while the rest of the group trailed behind her. Then once I went to go into the room they were at I almost set the alarm off, and left the bathroom door open which bothered her. It's always an adventure!

One of the residents was in trying to get through one of the doors at one point during our tour, and our nice guide asked her where she was headed. The resident looked up and said with a smile, "Imma bout to beat a bitch." It's always an adventure.

All of us broke up into groups of 2. Sydni and I were in a group together. She had brought with her a bag of nail stuff to do ladies' nails if they wanted them done. The first lady was lovely. A 93 year old with an open personality. I couldn't believe she was 93! Sheesh I felt like a fetus compared to her. But I gained respect for someone who's lived that long. I wonder if there's anything she hasn't experienced in life. She's had quite an amount of time to check things off her list of things to do. I hope I have a great deal of things checked off of my list when I'm old. The thing that was strange was that I didn't talk at all. And I didn't want to, I wanted to listen to this lady talk! Sydni asked some cool questions, thankfully, that generated some rad answers.

The second lady told us she had twelve brothers and sisters in order to manage thier farm in Alabama!! Wow. She's lost two of her three sons along with her husband. At the end when Sydni asked if there was anything else she wanted to tell her about, the lady said she won the jackpot once! and that she still has money to this day from it! Well, we aren't sure if this is true, since when Sydni told the guide about it she looked confused or surprised. It's always an adventure.

Afterwards all of us went to get pizza. So much fun! No one was there so I danced in my chair and started being loud. Surprise! I have a feeling we will be visiting that nursing home again soon, along with pizza or some variation of food afterwards. I sense a great bond coming from this, I could sense a memory generator from doing this. Can't say I'd forget what happened today.

My opinion about nursing homes has changed. Not everyone in there suffers from some epic sickness, although many of them do unfortunately. But I saw the importance of these people being visited, how it could turn around their day. During the conversation with the second lady we saw, Sydni said, "I'm doing this because I want people to come visit me one day when I'm in a nursing home." I agree with what she says. I'm not looking forward to being in a nursing home, but if that's what it comes to, then I'd enjoy meeting strangers who'd want to provide that company they usually don't recieve. Until then, I'll try to keep those people in mind.

I prayed this morning before leaving to go that God let me see nursing homes different, and not feel completely uncomfortable as I used to. It's true that while being there I felt some emotional difference, but it wasn't sadness, it was more so care for the people that were there. Makes me thankful I don't have to sign out in order to go see a movie or have someone help me walk to lunch.

John Irving, in The World According to Garp, wrote that people are born without being able to help themselves as babies, then grow into managing themselves, and (in some cases) die not being able to help themselves anymore. I could see that today. I wonder what goes on the minds of these people who have lived so much, and yet, physically, are able to do little. It shows the heart and mind really do live longer than our outer frames.

2009-01-24T19:34:00.000-08:00

I completely forgot I have a blog.

Infact...I'm still a bit confused- is this my blog?

After pulling this up the realization that my memory is fuzzy appears, and most of all, that change has truly occurred. Who was the person who typed dramatically about loss in life? Why did I have the impulse to express my feelings about my natural indecisiveness? Thankfully, my old self will not be revisited.

But I do remember a few things.

There was no desire to embrace God's grace and recognize his power in my life. A fear of spiritual guidance or partial authority consumed my mind. Or more obviously, my body. I took up the art of smoking. The reason I say art is because there are quite a few variations and styles. It becomes art once it's a stress reliever. Once it becomes a means of stressful ventilation. For that's what REAL art has always been for me.

One night I was almost arrested for the activity. At the time the situation was looked up as great entertainment, but now I view it as idiotic. I can still see the policeman's flashlight's glare in my pupils, how they must have looked dilated and hollow. How I didn't move and froze there, my thoughts discombobulated (sp?), thrown into a pathetic blender. Later on that evening the cops would pass us by a couple of times while we were smoking illegal substances.

That's when I prayed seriously for the first time in an extremely lengthy duration. I told God, "Lord, I trust that whatever happens tonight is what will happen. If you could please just ensure my safety tonight...I would be so thankful. Forgive me."

The next day I woke up after a fifteen hour nap. And cried, letting go of tears I thought couldn't be produced by my then passive mindset. Vania called me and told me to go to PCC with her the next day. Church was not my idea of fixing things, but something made me move my body and transport it to the service.

As my dear friend Sarah Brawley told me, "Wow, you had no life". Although her statement was regarding the fact I spent a night smoking at a public facility with a couple of "buds" (who I no longer associate myself with for the obvious reasons), it was stamped and pressed against my noggin in a completely different way. I thought about it for a long time....

I had no life because I did not allow myself to love God.

But God was there with me when I let myself be vulnerable to substance addictions, and to others as well. He was there holding me when I would wake up on the floor and not move for two hours, staring at the ceiling wondering what my life was made up of, and whether or not I really really wanted it to continue. Without that spiritual rock to lean on, my back hit hard on the jagged pavement of absence. God was there all along, but it was my eyes that failed to open.

PCC. Whoa. Enough said. I used to be one of those people who would laugh at the subject of church, and find church incredibly hypocritical or ridiculous. But PCC is honest and real, full of once broken or healing people, putting their life in His hands. It was the music at FOCUS, though, that made me aware God was going to change me. I was so overwhelmed and happy, the fact that God could make me cry and be who I really am. Not full of ignorance like I used to paint my personality's developing canvas with. That color wouldn't stick. But His vibrant and undeniable love is what I suddenly wanted. I quit my bad habits, and picked up new ones, such as going to small group every week.

This led me to great, amazing, and wonderful people. Angie Frame has been a blessing in my life. She talked to me when I first came to PCC, and made me feel extremely welcome. Shannon Brawley has affected me in more ways than one. I believe God brought her into my life to see His light better, since she encouraged me to keep attending PCC, to come to small group. Her lack of judgement about my past and present is a great comfort to me and I owe her so much. She possesses a caring and beautiful heart that I idolize! Sarah Brawley is a being of awesomeness. It almost shocks me to this day sometimes how much we can relate to each other in life situations. I always take her advice into serious consideration, because I feel that she somehow knows me even though she doesn't have complete knoweledge about my life. Hopefully I will be able to express one day how much her words and actions affect me. Both her and Shannon have constantly been there for me whether it's 1 AM or 1 PM! I feel so incredibly thankful for them, and thank God for them quite often. Beth Brawley, although I am yet to get to know her better, has also given me great insight on the current situations in my life!! WOOHHH the Brawleys rock! hahah

However, there are some things to repair within my own family. I will have to be patient through the process of healing.

One last note-
God is amazing!

Something I've noticed

2008-06-06T16:49:00.001-07:00

Hopelessness shreds faith, leading to an invisibly marred confidence. I can't say it any other way.

There have been certain individuals in my life that left as quickly as they came. I, too, have been that person in others' lives. Remembering can be the strangest action of all, the process of recollection is almost as if you're pulling old photographs off a forgotten bookshelf in your mind, maybe even your heart. Occasionally when I sit and listen to whatever happens to be around me....it fails to distract my thoughts, it succeeds in bringing back things that I forced myself to forget, inviting the inevitable.

I do want some people back that I once had, I do want that short or maybe even long segment of ignorance to the expected consequences and endings. And maybe this is the reason why I now possess a wall of defense against those who try to enter my world in pure explosion, because I seem to flash back to what has happened in the past, and I learned from certain situations that someone's sudden entrance into my personal life is just as excellerating as their exit. And I don't blame anyone for that.

Losing my blogging virginity!

2008-06-06T16:28:00.001-07:00

Yep. So I guess this is my first blog.

School's over. It's strange because this year passed by so quickly, and yet it felt that I was still and frozen in this completely awkward stage of reality development.

For three years I had been a quad player for the marching band and indoor drum line at Powhatan Highschool. My decision to no longer continue with the activity this summer made me partially indecisive at first as to if following my conscience would be the right thing to do. That's been a problem of mine lately- indecisiveness.

It's been a couple of years since I've had the freedom to start something new or progress with skills that I wasn't able to explore previously, therefore you could say I'm kind of clueless when it comes to how to spend my time. Drum line took up just about all my time I had. Three to four day a week practices, ranging from three to nine hours. All Saturdays were taken up, my PSATs had to be post poned, I couldn't take my learner's test for six months because of the inability of travelling to DMV, and most of all I simply disliked being at practice.

One thing I must admit is that I learned more through my drum line experience than I would be able to in an entire highschool career. Honestly.

An example? People changing. There are people who I started the activity with who were innocent little children haha and were psycho crazy about drumming just like I was, but then ended up being that stress factors within their lives affected them to the point where drum line wasn't a reliever to them, drum line was something they felt they HAD to do. And I was one of them. Although, it never got to the point where I took up drugs, or where I had to totally disown acceptance of personally directed authority. Nope, never got to that extremity for myself, but for others around me it did. Drumming to them was the last thing on their mind.

My personal experience was similar to a somewhat isolated bubble, and I wanted it to pop! hahaha When I was at practices and competitions, I felt I was missing out on other things. Like being a teenager. I haven't gotten to do that yet. Hm, I wonder if I will.

Do I believe that quitting drum line was the correct decision for myself?

Yes.